HYBRID MOMENTS.
A Screenplay by
Kairyn Torn
































Version 2.2 8.17.2004
INT. LAS VEGAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

Three men exit the tarmac all smiling gleefully, with a few drinks under their belts. They happily stroll down the tunnel towards the exit. BEN appears as a clean cut, happy man in a casual suit. JIM another young professional wearing glasses and a pressed suit and tie is followed by their other friend JACK who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

JACK
I love Las Vegas!

JIM
The city of sin!

BEN
Bring it on.

JIM
What better a place to have a bachelor party?

BEN
Are the rooms nice?

JACK
Would I do you wrong? I got a deal from a colleague of mine. 24 hour bar, 24 hour casino. Good food, and hookers a-plenty. We’re staying at the Tropicana, my man!

BEN
Wow how did you pull that off?

JACK
A friend owed me a favor.

JIM
This would be a legal, legitimate friend I assume

JACK
Assume as you will. Are you saying that I have criminal ties, councilor?

JIM
Yes. A favor for a friend? Shit, that’s dialogue right out of The Godfather. When I do a favor for a friend it’s to pick up dry cleaning or buy the next round, not 3 nights all inclusive at the Tropicana on the Vegas strip. Not that I care, but I don’t think you run numbers for fun.

JACK
It’s all how you look at it.

BEN
Run numbers? Who even says that? It’s so 1940s. Did they teach you that in law school?

JACK
I manage people’s money. You know that. For the firm of Teagarden and Corea. Occasionally I manage money both occupationally and recreationally. Not my fault some
People have to put money down on worthless prospects like Enron or hockey.

JIM
Well then you should feel right at home here

JACK
Wanna bet?

BEN
All I know is that I’ll be doing a little betting.

JACK
Really, doctor?

BEN
As they say when in Rome, do as the Romans

JIM
So, when in Vegas, do as the….Vegans??

JACK
What? No meat and no dairy?

JIM
Enough. We’re about to lose a man.

JACK
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

JIM
Shit, I thought we never saw you in college.

BEN
It’s time to move to a new plateau

JACK
A desolate one.

BEN
It’s all how you look at it.

JIM
Well, cheers. Here’s to Vegas

JACK
To Vegas

BEN
Vegas.

INT. HOTEL CASINO

The place is lively and filled with noise, people, and lights. The guys walk in and look around in satisfaction. Jim goes to the counter and comes back with a rack of chips.

JIM
Let’s hit the blackjack table!

BEN
Right on. You playin’?

JACK
Naw, I’ll go get the room.

JIM
C’mon, just a few hands. We just got here. It’s Vegas!

JACK
I deal with money all day long and take sucker bets all night. I’m not a sucker with my money.

JIM
No betting? C’mon here’s a chip.

JACK
Then I’ll put it on a sports game. Better odds. Out here the house always wins. That’s not just a saying you know.

BEN
Oh, yeah. Cool. Here put two hunny on the Dodgers tomorrow for me.

JACK
Great, I just can’t shake the loser bets. The Dodgers? They have the worst offense in the league, and they did nothing over the off-season. They couldn’t score a run if they were allowed to bat from third base.

BEN
Well, if you must know, when I was in New York for that genetics convention last week, I had a few scotches with the team doc for Los Angeles. He was telling me they got this kid and he’s gonna freak out. If he does well, they’ll keep him, otherwise it’s down to the minor leagues. I guess he’s like this dark horse outta Toledo or something. He supposedly has swing mechanics unlike has ever been seen. See, it pays to be a doctor sometimes too. It’s not just getting paid fat to help snotty, crying parents and their influenza babies. Just make sure my name’s not on the bet.

JACK
Fair enough. Play down here for about an hour while I check in and I’ll page you

Jack departs

BEN
Cool. Alrighty Jim. Where we gonna make our mark? How about Texas Hold ‘em?

JIM
Do you even know how to play Texas Hold ‘em?

BEN
I have ESPN

JIM
Yeah, but look at that blackjack dealer! She’s smoking hot!

BEN
I’ll give you that.

INT CASINO-BLACKJACK TABLE

The two walk up to the blackjack table and take a seat

JIM
Hiah. My name’s Jim. This is Ben. He’s getting married. That’s what brings us to your humble abode. I’m single though in case you’re wondering. And I know you are.

FEMALE DEALER (annoyed)
Place your bet, sir.

The two place their bets. Ben gives Jim a sly smile.

BEN (under breath)
Nice try

Jim gives him a glare. The cards are dealt. The dealer shows 5. Jim has 13 showing, and Ben has 12. The dealer looks anticipating at Jim

JIM
Stand

BEN
Stand? On thirteen?

JIM
Stand

BEN
I’ll hit.

The dealer turns over a queen.

FEMALE DEALER
Twenty two. Bust. Unlucky at cards. Hope you’re lucky at love.

BEN
Damn.

The Female Dealer turns her cards over to show fifteen.

FEMALE DEALER
Dealer must hit on fifteen

A seven appears

FEMALE DEALER
Dealer busts. Cassanova wins.

BEN
Let’s hit the bar.

JIM
I’m buyin,

BEN
Screw you.

INT. HOTEL-BAR

Bright red with posters of the Vegas skyline on the walls. The two sit in a shiny red booth. An attractive waitress comes to the table.

WAITRESS
What can I get ya guys?

JIM
No, what can I get you. Damn.

WAITRESS
Wow, I haven’t heard that before. Before noon!

BEN
Two Johnny Walker Blues. Neat. Thank you.

JIM
And a glass of water.

The waitress walks away rolling her eyes.

BEN
Are you going to be like this all week?

JIM
Quite possibly. Just 'cause you got snipped in the crotch doesn’t mean we can’t play.

BEN
Your best bet would be to play dead.

JIM
Cute. I can’t believe you’re getting married.

BEN
I love her so much. God I still remember the time I first met her. It was the first day of med school…

JIM
Is this going to take long?

As he continues his story, it is played out on screen. Delia is a beautiful blonde girl wearing glasses and a sweater, sitting in a classroom.

BEN
Shut up I’m reminiscing! I purposely sat next to her. Even though she insisted in sitting in the front row. I hate that, but I had to be near her. I remember how she smelled. A mixture of shampoo, soap, and some perfume. I smiled as I sat down. I stared out of the corner of my eye and ended up taking no notes. When I was leaving I purposely took time putting my books away since it took her forever. I practiced what I would say. Something corny like “Looks like a hard class” or something gay like that. Instead I just walked out and went home. I thought about her the whole night.

JIM
Yeah. That’s touching. It’s like a fucking hallmark moment or something.

The waitress brings them their drinks. Jim hands the waitress a twenty.

WAITRESS
Drinks are on the house for guests of the Tropicana

JIM
That’s for you. A tip.

WAITRESS
Really?

JIM
Sure. My old pal here has got me all warm and tingly. I hate that. So please just keep them coming. And maybe another lemon to go with all his sugar.

The waitress giggles and leaves.

BEN
You’re such a jack ass

JIM
Did you hear her giggle? I bet she does that in bed. Well now that you got me trapped in a latex booth in the middle of the electric desert, thankfully medicated; just get it all out so I don’t have to hear her name again. You’re seriously encroaching on man time here.

BEN
Well, a week went by. I was like a little school boy. Catching glimpses of her bra straps. Dropping my pen to smell her. Getting to class early, which is very unlike me. Just to make sure I could sit by her and watch her walk in. I gathered her name from the roll call and was obsessed with Delia Greyson. Yet never did I speak to her. I spent my weekends with you two losers getting wasted and fucking bar sluts and two-can sorority girls.

JIM
Oh I’m sorry, was I looking at my watch? You know I heard you don’t do that in Vegas. Hmm. You almost had me at slut, though.

Again, as Ben starts to reminisce, the scene is played out: INT. smoky jazz club.

BEN
Then one night I met her at the Rhythm Room, of all places. I was just ending my shift, half popped. Some Diana Krall imposter slaughtering Nat King Cole. We had a great time. Then I kissed her…

VOICE ON INTERCOM
Paging Howard Jackman. Howard Jackman white courtesy phone.

JIM
Drink up, that’s our alter ego.

The two quickly finish their drinks and gather their stuff from the booth and walk to a podium with a white telephone.

INT. HOTEL-LOBBY

BEN
I can’t believe he still uses that name. I remember it from when we were like sixteen and rented hotel rooms for parties. He’s such a geek. Good friend, though.

As Ben picks up the phone and mutters, Jim spots a trashy looking woman at the bar drinking a bottle of beer looking around.
JIM
Hey look at that chick at the bar there. I bet she’s a hooker.

BEN
Ya think? What gave it away? The fact that she’s drinking a bottle of Old Milwaukee or the fact that I can see her birth canal from here.

JIM
That would explain the smell.

BEN
Let’s get outta here before my wedding ends up being a double ceremony with you and Slippery Seat over there. Jack says were in room 420. Let’s go unpack and have a fine cigar.

JIM
Hey, she may be a hooker, but she’s a hooker with a heart of gold. Just kidding, let’s go.

The two walk to the elevator past the hooker at the bar. Ben tries not to make eye contact. Jim jokingly winks at her and points to Ben.

BEN
Stop it!

INT. HOTEL-ELEVATOR

The elevator opens and they enter and press the ‘up’ button to their room. There is two women and another man inside as they ascend, they chat while facing forward.

BEN
So, anyways. That night we kissed.

JIM
I never kissed you, fag.

BEN
No. Delia and I. We kissed and it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

JIM
No, it was the beginning of a ten month relationship. Only two of which you lived together. What do you even know about her?

BEN
I know everything there is to know about her. I know I love her, I know I want to live my life with her.

JIM
Yeah that’s tender, but what I mean is what do you really know about her?

BEN
I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but I do know it won’t work.

JIM
I mean do you know if she had chicken pox, did the kids on the playground tease her for some deficiency, did she murder her last boyfriend, and has she ever participated in a multiple anal/oral love fest?

WOMAN IN ELEVATOR 1
Ahem. Excuse me?

JIM
Sorry. But they’re valid questions.

MAN IN ELEVATOR
I agree.

WOMAN IN ELEVATOR 2
Let me get this straight. You don’t want her killing you in your sleep because she can’t get enough cock and once had a stuttering problem? I’m glad I don’t know you guys.

BEN
This must stop now.

WOMAN IN ELEVATOR 1
I agree. It’s offensive.

JIM
I’m just saying. You better be sure you know someone.

MAN IN ELEVATOR
He’s right.

The elevator stops and dings.

JIM
Here’s our floor.

BEN
Thank God.
INT. HOTEL- HALLWAY

The two exit into a beautiful long hallway and start walking to their room.

BEN
What’s wrong with you?

JIM
Probably just the scotch. I’m just looking out for ya bro.

BEN
Alright cool, just chill. I’m gonna be fine. Now let’s party. Here it is, 420.

INT. HOTEL- PENTHOUSE

They open up the door to a huge penthouse that has been decorated by Jack, who is in his underpants jumping on a bed with four beautiful, topless women drinking champagne out of a bottle and screaming. One beautiful redhead in a schoolgirl outfit heads over to where Jim and Ben stand with their mouths gaping.

STRIPPER 1 (to Ben)
Hey! You must be the man of the hour!

JIM
Hey! How do you know it’s not me?

STRIPPER 1
Is it you?

JIM
No.

STRIPPER 1
Then shut up.

BEN (laughing)
I like you already.

STRIPPER 1
Already? I hope you like me later as well. Purr.

BEN
So, what’s your name?

STRIPPER 1 (SECRET)
Secret, what’s yours?

BEN
Well, Secret, it’s nice to meet you I’m Ben.

SECRET
You’re cute. You’re gonna make some woman very happy.

BEN
Thank you.

SECRET
Maybe I can make you happy.

BEN
A glass of scotch would make me happy, Secret.

JIM
I don’t think that’s what she means, Ben. And I don’t think her name is Secret.

SECRET (eying Jim)
You bring him out in public?

BEN
Yeah. He keeps me out of trouble.

SECRET
Then let’s lose him, because trouble is my specialty. Jim, I bet you would love to meet my girl Bambi.

JIM
Yes, I would.

SECRET
I’ll go get her, and a glass of scotch for you, Ben.

Secret leaves to talk to a blonde stripper who is half naked and dressed as a mermaid, dancing seductively to a music video on the television. Meanwhile, Jack hops off the bed and runs over to the two.

JACK
Surprise! Does this fuckin’ rule or what!?

BEN
You outdid yourself this time.

JACK
Live it and love it! We got these bitches until the morning. They’re gonna show us all the “hot spots” both on the strip and in the bedroom.

JIM
Sounds good to me.

JACK
I bet it does. You like, Ben?

BEN
I like.

Secret comes back to the doorway where the boys are huddled. Jack and Jim head over to the wet bar with a woman dancing on top. Ben is cornered by Secret with his drink. We follow Jack and Jim as he shows off the posh room and all its inhabitants.

JACK
See, I actually put a lot of work into this. Four girls, good ratio. A blonde, a brunette, a redhead and a.. What do you call a chick with black hair?

JIM
In this instance, I believe you could call her anything you want.

JACK
That’s right. And look, see? A schoolgirl, a mermaid, a cop, and a librarian.

JIM
You certainly covered all the bases. How, may I ask, did you pull this off?

JACK
I guy I know owed me a favor.

JIM
You better be careful with those favors.

JACK
Jesus Christ, Jim. Trixie! Yeah you. You with the black hair. Tonight it’s Trixie. Get over and spank this mother fucker. Lighten up; we got a long night ahead of us. I’ll grab us some cigars.

CUT TO: In the corner Secret is taking off Ben’s coat and nibbling on his ear.

SECRET
Here, let me take your coat, sweetie. Mmm. So you ever sinned before.

BEN
Yes, father, Please forgive me as I have sinned.

SECRET
In Vegas, all you can do is sin. And what you do in Vegas stays in Vegas.

BEN
I see. Like a secret?

SECRET
Exactly like a secret.

CUT TO: MONTAGE- series of scenes of all present characters in different locations laughing, drinking, dancing, and flirting.

Riding in a limo, smoking cigars, gambling, doing body shots of the girls, flashes of empty glasses, bare breasts, and cards being dealt. Finally the merry go round stops

JIM
All your base are belong to us.

BEN
What does that even mean?


JIM
It means..

Jim’s eyes roll back in his head and he slowly slumps to the floor with a loud thump. JACK POV- he starts laughing hard then a loud thump

BLACKOUT

FADE IN

INT. PENTHOUSE

The penthouse is trashed. There are bottles and trash all over the place. The comforters from the beds are hung over the curtains to help keep out the sun leaving the place a hazy color of orange. The phone starts ringing.

We see Ben alone on one bed in his boxers with no sheets slowly opening his eyes. He looks around and sees Jack in the other bed snoring with two of the naked strippers. He slowly sits up and looks around for the phone. The ringing is terrible. He starts to stand and steps on a pile of blankets which lets out a yell. It is Jim.

JIM
Fuck man!

BEN
Shit I didn’t see you. Where the fuck is the phone?

JIM (hardly legible)
What do I look like the fucking… phone company… or something?

BEN
What? Go back to bed.

JACK
Fuck man, answer the phone!

BEN
Do you know where it is?

JACK
No, but there’s a reason they have those little red lights on ‘em.

BEN
Hmmm.

He rubs the sleep from his eyes and walks through the huge penthouse groggily kicking bottles and cans around. He finds the phone next to a chair in which Secret sits fully nude. He slowly reaches down and across her naked torso to pick up the receiver

BEN
Hello?

DELIA
Hey sweetie!

BEN
Delia! How’s it going?

DELIA
Good. But I suppose a better question would be how are you doing?

BEN
A little rough.

DELIA
Well, did you have a good time?

BEN (staring at Secret in chair)
As far as I can remember.

DELIA
Well, I hope you remembered to be good.

BEN
As far as I can remember.

DELIA
Well, unfortunately, I am the bearer of bad news.

BEN
Do you have to?

DELIA
Unfortunately. Mr. Abernathy.

BEN
Oh c’mon! His kidney burst?

DELIA
Yup.

BEN
Fucker! I knew it.

DELIA
I’m sure he just wanted to dampen your little romper room party. Probably has nothing to do with the fact that he’s 68 and on dialysis.

BEN
Wait. What are you saying?

DELIA
You leave in an hour.

BEN
I what?

DELIA
Ends up by some stroke of good luck. Not yours, by the way. That just as he was shutting down, a perfect match in another room beat him to it. Same type and a perfect donor match. I guess it was his day.

BEN
Not mine.

DELIA
Nope. But I look forward to seeing you sooner. I’ll meet you at the airport. Do you need me to bring anything?

BEN
A Bloody Mary.

DELIA
I’ll make you a dozen when we get home. I’ll have the hospital send over the file and you can get a head start. See you tonight. Love you.

BEN
Love you too. See you soon.

Ben hangs up the phone carefully, but Secret opens her eyes and smiles at him.

SECRET
Not good news, I presume.

BEN
You would presume right. I’m gonna have to cut this little fiesta short.

SECRET
Was that the little lady?

BEN
Yeah. A problem at the hospital.

SECRET
Well, I had fun.

BEN
Not too much fun?

SECRET
Are you asking?

BEN
Maybe.

SECRET
It sure looks like it doesn’t it? Some details of the evening may still be a little hazy. Tequila always does that to me, and I huffed enough powder to need a snowboard to come down. Well, let’s just say we had enough fun that I ended up hung over and naked in a chair at two in the afternoon. We’ll say you had enough fun that it doesn’t seem odd that we’re having a conversation with nothing but a pair of boxers between our naked bodies, and neither of us seems to care. Actually, you might be starting to care.

She points and giggles as Ben glances down in horror at his erection

BEN
I’m gonna take a shower.

SECRET
That sounds nice.

BEN
Alone! I’m going to take a shower alone.

SECRET
Have it your way, big shooter.

BEN
This isn’t happening

SECRET
If you say so. It never did. That’s my job.

CUT TO: Ben in the shower starts to receive flashbacks of the previous night. Every image is off speed, either too fast or too slow of a frame rate.

We see a man at a nightclub. Cut back to Ben in shower. Straining his eyes and thinking aloud.

BEN
Lords? Did we see Lords last night? Is that even possible?

CUT TO FLASHBACK:

INT. A TRASHED APARTMENT BUILDING.

The three men are now three miniature teenage version of themselves. A man that looks like the vision we saw sits amongst them. He is older and it seems to be his place. Little Jack hands a big glass bong to a younger Ben.

JACK
Your hit, Benny.

BEN
I hate it when you call me that Jack Ass.

JIM (singing and laughing)
Benny and the Jets. Benny and the Jets.

BEN (to Lords)
See this shit, Lords? This is what I have to put up with. Two homos quoting their favorite songs.

LORDS
Thanks to you I have to deal with these two homos as well, so I don’t feel for you. Just sell the weed, don’t smoke it all, or I’ll smoke you

BEN
Relax, man. It’s a good as gone, just get ready to re-up. This will be a great summer.

LORDS
It better be.

CUT BACK: Ben dries off with a towel, grabs his suit, and starts getting dressed. He stops and puts his hand into his pocket. He pulls out a key and looks at it oddly. He then pulls out a business card that reads “Ascention Ranch -Rise to the occasion. Secret. “He sighs, and continues and pulls out a vial of cocaine.

BEN
Great. That’s nice.
.
He tosses the vial into the trash, and starts to fish around again. Suddenly his face changes and he pulls out a piece of scalp with blonde hairs on it. He tosses it instinctly into the toilet and grabs some toilet paper to wipe off his hand and pocket. He holds it up to see that it is bloody. He stares in the mirror.

FADE OUT

CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL.

Ben and Jim are standing at the gate with their luggage prepared to leave.

BEN
Are you sure you’re coming?

JIM
Yeah, I’ve had enough Vegas. It will be nice to get back to the ordered chaos of DC.


BEN
Well, enjoy the suite, Jack. See you on Monday?

JACK
Will do. We’ll make it up Monday in Georgetown.

BEN
Sounds good. Have fun.

JACK
Yeah. The chances are pretty good for that. Take care.

JIM
See ya on Monday

The two enter the plane. They walk the isle to their seats in first class.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN

JIM
Man, with the hangover I have, it feels like we’re already moving. I need a hot towel and a cold champagne.

BEN
That sounds nice. So, how ‘bout last night. Crazy, huh?

JIM
From what I can remember. All I know is we must have gone to twenty clubs, and I got wa-a-asted.

BEN
Me too. You know what though? I didn’t spend that much. I assumed I would spend a lot more.

JIM
Come to think of it neither did I. Weird. Jack must'a been buying.

BEN
Yeah, Jack or one of his surrogates.

JIM
I think a lot of that is bullshit. I bet he just pays and then makes up stories to make himself seem cooler. He’s been doing it for the ladies for so long that he probably believes it himself.

BEN
Do you remember anyone other than us last night?

JIM
Other than us and four prostitutes? No. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was in a bathroom stall in Vietnam or the Guggenheim last night. Now chill, I need a nap and here’s our little liaison. Hey air bunny, want to join the mile high club?

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
In no uncertain terms sir. Not even if the plane was on fire and barreling to instant death.

BEN just sighs and rolls his eyes before placing the hot towel over them.

FLASHBACK: The night before: the guys are dancing wildly to some techno music in a night club when he is pulled by the arm into a red, dirty, womans’ room. The other women simply look him up and down and go back to putting on makeup and repositioning their breasts. Secret throws him into a stall against the wall. She pulls off her shirt and her bare breasts form a surface on which she lays out two huge lines of cocaine. Ben smiles and goes to work snorting them. When he’s finished he almost loses his balance. She just laughs and puts her shirt back on and takes a sniff for herself. He says something to her and she replies something back that we cannot hear because of the deafening music. She then, laughing wildly, pushes him back out onto the dance floor where he smiles and tries to dance while Jim hands him a bottle of beer.

FADE IN WHITE:

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN

scene appears as though Ben is removing the hot towel from over his eyes. The flight attendant comes over to him

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
Another hot towel, sir?

BEN
No thanks. I would however like a bloody Mary.

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
Certainly, Sir.

JIM (opening his eyes)
Woah! You gonna start without me? I’ll have a whisky Coke.

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
What brand of whisky

JIM
I don’t care. Surprise me.

AIRLINE STEWARDESS (annoyed)
Surprise you.

JIM
She sure is uppity for an airline stewardess. Or is it flight attendant now? I never know. Weren’t they once like flight bunnies or something?

BEN
I have no idea. Can’t say I paid any attention.

JIM
Didn’t you used to date one?

BEN
Yeah.

JIM
Did you make her wear the outfit?

BEN
Of course. Principal.

JIM
Did she say “coffee, tea, or me?”

BEN
Now your vicarious dream is just getting creepy. But once, I did get her to..

The chattering is cut short by the airline stewardess coming down the aisle with a tray of drinks. They take their drinks and each take a big gulp.

BEN
Excuse me, miss. How long is this flight?

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
Approximately four and a half hours.

In the foreground we see JIM spit out his drink.

JIM
What the fuck is this?

AIRLINE STEWARDESS
Surprise.

The AIRLINE STEWARDESS turns and walks away with a huge grin and leaves through the curtain.

JIM
What the fuck?

BEN
That was pretty rough. But I suppose there’s more than one of you a day.

JIM
Oh no. Fuck that.

He frantically pushes the call button. It lights up and beeps. Ben just hides a smile and gulps his drink. After some time, a huge man in an airplane suit comes down the isle. He is obviously displeased. He walks right up to the light and pushes a button disabling it.

AIRLINE STEWARD
May I help you?

JIM
Another round for me and my friend please?

Without a response, the man turns and leaves.

BEN
Boy, you sure stuck to your guns there, partner.

JIM
Did you see that gorilla? He’s not a sky bunny. He’s like the dude that changes the tires and shit. Think he’ll bring me more drinks?

BEN
I wouldn’t count on it.

CUT TO:

INT. Arrival gate at Washington Dulles Airport

DELIA is waiting. The guys exit the plane. She runs up to BEN and gives him a big hug and a kiss. Over his shoulder she sees JIM as well.

DELIA
Happy to see you baby. Now Jim, what are you up to? Did the Vegas people scare you?

BEN
Not as much as the flight crew.

JIM
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m just over it. I think I’ll spend the rest of the weekend relaxing before watching my friend make the worst mistake of his life next week.

DELIA
Very funny, Jim. Maybe you could do standup in Vegas. Now, do you need a ride?

JIM
No thanks. I’ll grab a cab. I need to run past the office.

DELIA
What, do you have to set up a trust fund for your soon to be born two-headed stripper baby that will end up looking like a cross between Elvis and Gary Coleman?

JIM
No wonder all the great standup jobs are taken around here. But listen. If there were any strippers. And I’m not saying there were, the only one fucking an Elvis impersonator would be your soon-to-be hubby. Bet you didn’t know that about him. There’s a lot you don’t know about him. If you’d like, we could get together for dinner sometime and I could fill you in…

BEN
That will be quite enough, cocksucker! You know, what they say is true. He is like a poop-slinging monkey. You can’t take him anywhere.

JIM
Oh, now this is Comic Relief, everyone thinks they’re Seinfeld.

DELIA
Speaking of poop-slinging monkeys, where is the other one?

BEN
Jack? He stayed behind.

DELIA
That doesn’t surprise me a bit.

BEN
Oh, come on, he’s fine. You two better play nice at the wedding.

DELIA
Oh, I’ll be playing nice all right. Playing.

JIM
Well, I better run before this one gets her teeth into me next.

DELIA
You’d like that wouldn’t ya?

JIM
Doubtful. See ya guys on Monday. Call if you need me. Don’t call if you don’t.

DELIA and BEN make their way out of the airport, past the luggage carousel and into a waiting bright red convertible Jaguar.

INT AIRPORT PARKING LOT

BEN
Oh, you brought my car? I don’t really feel like driving.

DELIA
Of course not. I just wanted a change of pace from that stodgy old Mercedes. You just sit back and relax. In the coffee tumbler is a Screwdriver. If you’re bored, Mr. Abernathy’s file is in the glove box. I looked through it. Pretty routine really. But that’s first thing in the morning. Now chill out and drink up. I have pasta and wine waiting at home.

BEN (settling in)
Sounds good. Man, no wonder I love you so much. Dinner and wine will be nice, but I can think of one thing I’d like even more the minute I get home.

DELIA
Oh? And what would that be?

BEN
Use your imagination.
DELIA
How about we both use our imaginations, while I’m fucking the hell out of you.

BEN
Yeah, that’ll do.

BEN takes a big gulp and opens up the file as they speed down the road, wind in their hair as they head home.

EXT. BEN’S HOME

It is a beautiful, spacious house with a view of the whole city. It is obviously costly and cozy. The two walk up the steps and into the house.

INT. BENS HOME- LIVING ROOM

The pair walk in and she tosses the keys on an ornate glass coffee table. Beat. They both slowly look at the keys on the table, then to each other with the same thought on their mind.

BEN
Is that new?

DELIA
Beats me.

Suddenly, almost animal-like DELIA tosses away the keys and clears off a surface. She is wearing a skirt and throws her legs wide over the sides and looks up at BEN with a big grin. They immediately start kissing passionately and tearing each others clothes off. After a steamy sex scene, we see them dishelved and breathing heavily on the floor. The coffee table is knocked over.

DELIA
Welcome home.

BEN
Good to be back.

DELIA
Let’s just stay naked all night, right here. We can pop in a movie and eat on the floor.

BEN
That sounds nice.

DELIA
I’ll get the wine.

DELIA gets up naked and walks into the kitchen and grabs two bottles of wine and two glasses. Ben remains in his position and lets out a big sigh. He rolls his neck and stretches his back. He notices something weird and reaches his hand back and feels. He pulls it forward and notices a little blood.

BEN (to himself)
That’s weird. She’s never been a scratcher…

He reaches over and grabs his shirt. He puts it on and jokingly hollers at DELIA

BEN
What are you squeezing the grapes yourself?

DELIA comes back into living room holding a huge glass of red wine. She hands it to him.

DELIA
No, silly, just warming up the pasta. Don’t want it to go to waste and I bet you worked up an appetite out here. Anyways, I thought you liked to watch me walk. Drink up.

DELIA leans back up and turns seductively and wiggles her butt as she heads back into the kitchen.

DELIA
Now, shut up and grab a movie, cheater.

BEN
Cheater?!

She stops at the door way and turns ever so slowly, letting him take her in.

DELIA
Yeah, you put your shirt on.

She turns and leaves. He looks down at his shirt and lets out a sigh. He goes over to the big screen TV and turns it on. He flips up the coffee table and sees that it now has a crack in it. He lets out a carefree giggle as he flops down on the oversized couch.

DELIA comes back in holding two bottles of wine. She stands in front of the couch blocking the TV and leans over and places the wine next to his glass. A red and a white. As she bends over, she makes it obvious that BEN is getting a good shot of her posterior. She turns and looks at him.

BEN
Wow. Why would anyone want to look at strippers when they had that at home?

DELIA
Don’t forget that.

DELIA leaves again and comes back quickly with two bowls of pasta. One red and one white sauce. She places them on the coffee table. BEN sets up and grabs his bowl.

DELIA
The couch is so boring.

BEN
I’ll make it up to you later in the kitchen sink.

DELIA
Hmmm.

BEN
What’s with this pasta?

DELIA (alarmed)
What do you mean?

BEN
Why do I have red and you have white.

DELIA
Sorry. I just wasn’t in the mood for red sauce. Or red wine.

BEN
So you’re gonna have white and white?

DELIA
That’s OK isn’t it?

BEN
I guess. Just a little weird.

DELIA
It’s not weird. And the only reason we’re not both having white is that there wasn’t enough alfredo. You like red better anyway. Can we just drop it?

BEN
Are you gonna drink your wine out of the bottle?

DELIA
Yeah. Right after I pour some out for my dead homies. I only have two hands. And, mister, you’re gonna be using one of yours more than usual if you don’t drop it.

BEN
Fair enough.

DELIA
What are we watching?

BEN
Breakfast at Tiffanys.

CUT TO:

INT. JIMS LAW PRACTICE

We see Jim sitting behind a desk shuffling through papers in a big wooden office. The phone buzzes; Jim reaches over and presses a button.

JIM
Yup?

SECRETARY
A mister Tonberry here to see you.

JIM
Send him in, sexy.

SECRETARY
My name is Mary.

JIM
My name is on your paycheck.

MARY
Naughty boy. Here he comes.

JIM leans over and pulls an envelope out of the right hand drawer, and leans back in his chair. TONBERRY enters the office. He looks like a cross between an Irish boxer and a cop. He is dressed in plainclothes and a leather jacket. The gun in his belt is obvious. He walks in and smiles at JIM.

TONBERRY
You know she’s gonna sue you someday.

JIM
It’d be worth every penny.

TONBERRY sits down in the facing chair as they both let out a laugh.

JIM
Drink?

TONBERRY
Always.

JIM
Well, I don’t have any Pabst Blue Ribbon, or whatever it is that discraced former cops usually drink. Scotch?

TONBERRY
Yeah. This former cop has better taste than most. And a more generous bank account. Thanks to certain side jobs. Speaking of?

JIM reaches over and hands TONBERRY the envelope. He puts it in his inside pocket and leans back. JIM then reaches over to the call button.

JIM
Mary, Mary. Two scotches please. One on the rocks and one neat.

MARY
So now I’m a bartender too?

JIM
No. Barmaiden. Unless you prefer Barwhore?

MARY
Very funny.

JIM leans back in his chair with his arms wide.

JIM
Not gonna count it?

TONBERRY
Should I?

JIM
I dunno, should you?

TONBERRY
I believe ya. In my line of work you’re one of the few honest people I’ve had the pleasure to screw over.

JIM
That’s so sweet. I don’t know whether to fuck you or shoot you. How about a hug?

TONBERRY
That’s OK; we’ll just call it even.

JIM
So what did I buy? What has our friend Mr. Mabee been up to?

TONBERRY reaches back into his jacket and pulls out a manila envelope and hands it to JIM. MARY comes in and quietly sets down the guys drinks.

TONBERRY
Oh, you’re gonna love this. Pedophilia, drugs, and then there’s this thing with a horse.

MARY
You’re right, he’ll love that.

JIM
Mary, you dropped something

MARY
Play nice boys.

MARY leaves the room. The guys grab their scotches and lean back again.

TONBERRY
She is cute. Where did you get her?

JIM
I use this temp agency. A friend owns it; always send me the hottest ones with no self-esteem. I can get you one.

TONBERRY
To do what? Man the office? I work out of my car.

JIM opens the folder and examines each of the pictures with pleasure.

JIM
Hmmm. Nice. Nice. Jeez. What’s this?

TONBERRY
You don’t want to know.

JIM
You’re right. But I’m sure the jury will. Thank you so much.

TONBERRY
Well, I’m not one of your temp girls. Who’s next?

JIM
I don’t have any other clients right now. A couple of divorce proceedings but…

TONBERRY
Fair enough. You know how to get a hold of me.

JIM
Actually. I do have one for ya.

JIM grabs a pen and jots down a name on a piece of scrap paper and folds it in half and hands it to TONBERRY. He takes it and puts it in his jacket without looking at it.

JIM
Call me when you got something.

TONBERRY
Will do.

TONBERRY finishes his drink stands up and shakes hands with JIM then leaves. After he’s gone, JIM finishes his drink and looks up at the ceiling in thought.

JIM
Hmmm.

CUT TO:

INT. BENS LIVING ROOM

We see the sun rising outside the window, leaving blind-shaped shadows over BEN’s face. He is asleep on the couch, disheveled and half covered, with one foot on the floor. DELIA enters the room wearing a black nightgown. She gently taps him awake.

DELIA
Ben? Ben honey?

BEN
Hmm. Oh man. What time is it?

DELIA
it’s 6:30. You fell asleep on the couch. I couldn’t wake you.

BEN
Wow, I must have been exhausted. I don’t even remember the movie.

BEN sits up and tries to shake the cobwebs upon awakening and rubs his eyes.

DELIA
I’m afraid you don’t have time to shower. I set the alarm but it didn’t wake me on time.

BEN
Great.

DELIA
Well, at least you won’t miss breakfast. I made you one of those protein shakes you love so much.

BEN
I don’t love them. They taste like shit.

DELIA
Yeah, but they’re filling and they give you all the vitamins you need.

BEN
Is that right, doctor? Maybe you could perform this surgery for me today?

DELIA
You know I’m not that kind of doctor. Unless you’re patient was a little white rat with a habit for pressing buttons with electrodes in its head.

BEN
He’s eighty-eight and getting surgery. He might as well be.

DELIA
Here, drink. I’ll get you some clothes.

BEN takes a big drink. You can see by his impression that it’s not tasty.

BEN
I can’t believe I crashed like that.

DELIA (O.C.)
Long day. Plus wine and pasta will fill ya up and make ya lazy. Why do you think all the Italians are so laid back?

BEN
Who told you that? The Italians are the mafia. They don’t seem too laid back.

DELIA (reentering)
Does it really matter? Point is you’re up and you need to get going. This is an important weekend and I want you to remember it all.

BEN
Fair enough.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY

BEN walks down the hallway while putting on his coat and stethoscope. He walks with two other doctors. One older and apparently very important and another younger about Ben’s age. They chat as they walk to the operating room.

BEN
Has the patient been prepped?

OLD DOC
Of course. You’re late.

BEN
Sorry. Sunday traffic. You know how it is.

OLD DOC
I do not. I have been here since 1967. Literally. I’m not sure I’ve left. Someone has to cover for all the doctors that decide to go golfing in Vegas.

BEN
I’m getting married.

OLD DOC
You might want to shave before you do.

The OLD DOC turns his back and enters the scrub room. BEN looks at the YOUNG DOC

BEN
What a dick.

YOUNG DOC
Yup. So how was Vegas?

BEN
I don’t remember.

YOUNG DOC
Right on.

They enter the scrub room and start to wash their hands.

INT. SCRUB ROOM

OLD DOC
Well, congratulations on getting married. Maybe she’ll make a good man of you yet.

BEN
Thanks. So, how ‘bout you? How’s the wife?

OLD DOC
She sucks. And I don’t mean literally.

OLD DOC exits into the operating room.

BEN
There’s not enough Viagra in the world.

YOUNG DOC
Nope. So is there gonna be any hotties at the wedding?

BEN
I suppose. Something about the hair and the dresses make even plain Jane a little bit hot.

YOUNG DOC
Interesting theory. I’ll go with the alcohol and desperation. When one woman gets married all the others immediately start thinking about how they need one too.

BEN
Monkey see, monkey do. Let’s get in there before Hitler starts barking.

The two enter the operating room. BEN looks around. It is an arena O.R. where students and family members can watch operations being held. There is no one in the seats.

BEN
Looks like a sold out crowd.

YOUNG DOC
Maybe there’s a football game on.

OLD DOC
Just make the incision, Ben.

BEN makes an incision into the abdomen of Mr. Abernathy, a grumpy looking old man, now sedated on the table.

BEN
He even looks grumpy under anesthesia.

C.U. BEN’S EYES (through his goggles) We can see a reflection of the open wound and his hands moving around. We also see his eyes start to blink a lot and squint and move. He stops and leans back.

BEN
Where’s the nurse?

OLD DOC
Good question. What’s the problem?

YOUNG DOC
Dude, you’re sweating.

BEN
Give me a wipe.

YOUNG DOC
You okay?

BEN
Yeah, fine. Let’s sew this mother up. I need some sleep before tying the knot tomorrow.

CUT TO:

INT. WASHINGTON DULLES AIRPORT

JACK exits off a plane, visibly intoxicated. He lets out a sigh and walks to the phone and dials.

JACK
Alright, I’m here. Okay, okay. See you soon.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHURCH

It’s a big, beautiful church there are many cars out front and the three men stand in a tuxedo smoking cigars.

JIM
You’re going back?

JACK
Yeah, wanna come? I have the room for another week. Ben, why don’t you come out for a night after the honeymoon?

BEN
That would be nice except for the fact that I’ll be married then.

JACK
Oh come on! What was it that that hooker said? “What’s done in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

BEN
You’re a bad influence.

JACK
I just think it’s a mistake.

BEN
Why don’t you two like each other?

JACK
Wait. Wait a minute. You two like each other? That implies that she doesn’t like me.

JIM
You did call her a sea donkey.

JACK
I suppose.

BEN
And you slept with her best friend in her bed, so as not to dirty your own.

JACK
Well…

JIM
And that one time you…

JACK
Enough. Let’s just get this over with and get to the open bar.

JIM
For once I agree.

BEN
A guy just couldn’t ask for better friends.

INT. CHURCH

The men stand at the alter on descending steps. DELIA appears as the wedding march plays. She is beautiful and wearing a long, white dress. The guys chat amongst themselves without trying to move their mouths too much to call attention.

JACK
Seriously, dude, it’s not too late. You have like fifteen seconds to get out.

BEN
Jack. Shut up.

JACK
I’m just sayin’ I noticed a side door to your right.

JIM
Where’s her dad? Isn’t he supposed to give her away?

BEN
Be quiet. He died.

JIM
And her mom too? Was it a murder-suicide?

BEN
You need a new job. Now shut up, this is it.

JACK
Do you have a Kleenex?

The bride arrives on the steps and BEN takes her hand. The pastor starts droning on with the ceremonial speech. JIM and JACK eye up the bridesmaids from head to toe, nudging one another until one glances over at them. They both show huge grins. The bridesmaid rolls her eyes and focuses back on the ceremony. The dejected guys focus back on the speech as well.

PASTOR
Do you Benjamin Miles Roberts take Delia to be your lawfully wedded wife?

BEN
I do.

JACK lets out a little giggle.

JIM (quietly in disbelief)
Miles.

PASTOR
And do you Delia Greyson take Ben to be your lawfully wedded husband?

DELIA
I do.

JACK thinks for a second

BEN (quietly in contemplation)
Who doesn’t have a middle name?

PASTOR
I now, as invested by the state of Maryland, pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

The two kiss and everyone starts cheering.

PASTOR
I introduce you to Mister and Mrs. Ben Roberts

They exit down the aisle.

INT-Bathroom

Mike is fixing the bowtie on his tuxedo in the milky, warped metallic mirror.

JIM
Damn, man! How long are you gonna pee?

JACK
As long as it takes! You want me to just stop midstream? That shit burns!

JIM
Man, what did you have to drink?

JACK
A couple of scotches.

JIM
A couple dozen you mean.

JACK
Listen, just ‘cuz you’re jealous that your little hamster dick has a thimble for a bladder doesn’t mean you can bitch about my python. Anyway, I’m not keeping you here. We’re not little girls.

JIM
Enough! They’re waiting on us!

JACK
Fuck ‘em! They can keep waiting! The whole thing’s a mistake anyway and you know it.

JIM
What’s a mistake? That he found someone he wants to spend his life with?

JACK
Marriage, my penile-challenged friend. Marriage is the mistake.

JIM
You were married!

JACK
Were being the operative word here

JIM
Oh come on! She was nice.

JACK
She was the spawn of the devil!

JIM
Well, she was pretty.

JACK
Yeah, pretty fucking evil!

JIM
Wonder what ever happened to her?

JACK
I hear she’s a toothless crack whore in Detroit. Who cares? We’re not talking about her or me. We’re talking about Tom and his little whip.

JIM
Hey, so he got married. Lots of people do it.

JACK
Lots of people? Do lots of people do it? God, you’re an idiot. Do you even think before you speak? Yeah, lots of people find love and live happily ever after. What’s the divorce rate, councilor? You of all people should know that with marriage comes the ultimate gamble. And when you gamble you might catch a winning streak but you eventually end up losing. The house always wins. C’mon Lawyer Jim. You’ve seen it before. A man comes home to his wife of two years and she’s in bed with three men. Or you wake up one day and you’re pretty little trophy wife is peeing standing up. He should be happy it’s not a fifty-year-old man, of course you never know. That’s some Jerry Springer shit. I’ll hold her down you look up the dress.

JIM
Jesus Christ! Are you done yet?

JACK
Almost! I got some drips.

JIM
I meant are you almost done turning this day into some twisted reality show? Now, let’s go!

JACK
Damn, don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m coming. You’d think you were my date. Where is my date?

JIM
I think she left.

JACK
Good.

JACK exits the stall and looks at a spot on the crotch of his dress pants with horror.

JACK
Shit! Look what you made me do! Fuck! I dribbled on my fuckin’ tux!

JIM (laughing)
Oh shit, that’s sooo funny!

JACK
That’s funny? No it’s not funny. This fucking tux cost me seventy-five bucks to rent.

JIM
Mine was sixty eight.

JACK (like a thrifty girl)
Really? Where did you go?

JACK (realizing)
Anyways, fuck! Here we are in seventy-five dollar tuxes at some small town gymnasium celebrating our boy’s marriage to someone we don’t even know! This sucks. Why do I have to be here?

JIM
We’re at a wedding! We’re the best men!

JACK (opening bathroom door to main room)
The best he could get on short notice, maybe.

INT. AUDITORIUM

The auditorium is rented for the reception. There are lots of people drinking and dancing with food and drinks and presents everywhere.

JACK
God, look at how dirty this place is! And who are all these fuckin’ people?

JIM
Are you drunk or just stupid? They’re the wedding party!

JACK
Hmm. There’s definitely a lot of ‘em! I’ve never met any of them before. Which I’m sure is a good thing.

JIM (pointing)
That girl right there, She was the maid of honor. You just walked down the aisle with her!

JACK
Oh yeah. I have a way of not remembering things I don’t give a shit about. But, now that you mention it, I remember her. Damn she’s ugly, and fat. She’s got these fingers like little sausages.

JIM tries to stifle a giggle as he grabs a glass of champagne off a tray. The hot hostess holding it makes eye contact in a sexy way.

JACK
I’m just sayin’! She was supposed to put her hand in my arm. I got bruises, dude. Bruises. Her palm was like a bunch of bananas. Pain.

JIM
Enough. Please. She’s big. It’s funny. I’ll give you that.

JACK
Oh? You’ll give me that?

JIM
Relax.

JACK
How can I relax? I’m listening to Night Ranger with a strobe light, I’m eating ham and butter sandwiches with goddamn Jabba the Hut in a dress, and my friend just married a hermaphrodite!

JIM continues to look the hot hostess up and down in a daze.

JACK
Have you ever been engaged?

JIM
No.

JACK
Why?

JIM
I haven’t found the one I guess. I’m not sure there even is one

JACK
I’ll give you that! (gesturing) well, when you do, all this can be yours! A Podunk gym, an 80’s band slaughtering The Clash, a fat bridesmaid in a clown suit! And of course, the cherry on the top: a drunken, disorganized grandparent! All yours, cowboy!

JACK leaves as a drunken old lady comes up to JIM.

OLD LADY
So whosze side arr youse on, cuties?

JACK
I’m sorry ‘Nana’ I gotta go.

OLD LADY
Well you boys sure look good in your little tuxedos!


JACK
See, we look good in our seventy-five dollar tuxes. If she was just a little younger, or I was a lot drunker…

JIM
Stop now, dude, that’s just gross. You know how hard it is to get vomit out of a tuxedo?

JACK
Let’s step out and get some fresh air. I got some nice cigars too.

JIM
Isn’t that a contradiction?

JACK
What are you, the American Cancer Society? Quit being so goody-goody. You want one or not?

They make their way through the party again and out the side door. The door muffles the sounds of people and the cheesy band doing their rendition of ‘Papa Don’t Preach.’

EXT. OUT BACK AUDITORIUM

They stand in silence as they light their cigars with a satisfying puff.

JACK
A mistake. That’s what it is.

JIM
The wedding? or the fact that an all male band is doing a Madonna retrospective?

JACK
Yes, the wedding. Although ‘Like a Virgin’ was rough! There were moments I will have to scrub out of my memory. Women are a mistake. Relationships in general. One should distance themselves as far as possible. Don’t even make eye contact. Imagine the rest of your life waiting to be castrated, or to give her half of everything you’ve ever owned or will, while only looking at the scenery pass you by.

JIM
I never thought about it like that.

JACK
Sometimes you gotta think with your other head. Y’know, look out for the skipper? Or, in your case, the ‘lil buddy? Get it?

JIM
Very funny, fucknut.


JACK
From Gilligan’s Island? See, I’m sayin’ your dick is like..

JIM
I get it! Well, maybe this’ll actually work out for him. They do sometimes. You gotta believe they can.

JACK
Nah, she’s already controlling him. That’s what they do. They kidnap you and change you very slowly until you’re a different person. Like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone, but without the screaming. I mean, no bachelor party? Who doesn’t have a bachelor party? A pussy-whipped girlie-boy that’s who! I’d rather have a seventy-five dollar whore shaking her tits in my face to a terrible Bon Jovi song than renting this tuxedo with a piss stain!

JIM (laughing)
That’s funny. God, you crack me up sometimes!

JACK
Good. I’m glad I can entertain you. We gotta stick together. Now, since we lost our boy- let’s at least save this night. I’m gonna go in and refill my bladder.

JACK opens the door and looks back with a half smile that communicates the hell he is entering. As the door slowly closes, JIM hears the gruff all-male chorus from ‘Vogue’ and lets out a little laugh. He finishes his cigar and stares off into the sky in thought when the door swings open violently and slams against the wall. The hot hostess exits the auditorium and leans against the wall and lights up a cigarette, her left leg bent as she leans against the wall with her weight and tilts her head up to the moon and erases its view with a huge exhaling of smoke.


HOT HOSTESS
Stupid mother fuckers! God, men suck! I swear if one more geriatric playboy grabs my ass tonight, I’m a lesbian for life.

She gathers herself and notices JIM standing nearby

HOT HOSTESS
Of course, they’d like that too, wouldn’t they?

JIM (uncomfortable)
Um, I’ll just be taking my penis and be going.

He tosses his cigar and walks back into the auditorium.
INT. AUDITORIUM

JIM walks up to the open bar, where JACK is pouring a stiff drink.

JACK
Of course, leave it to the Roberts to stock the open bar with cheap-ass scotch.

JIM
Here we go again! I'm sure I don't have to remind you that this is our best friend and we are his best men. We should be happy and support him. Now suck it up- here he comes.

BEN walks up to them with a big grin

BEN
Hey guys! How's my best men!

JIM
Just great.

JACK
Actually the bridesmaids are as sub par as the cheap scotch and the hairy wedding singer. I mean, does Delia have no attractive friends?
JIM nudges JACK

JACK
Uh. Yeah! So glad to be here, I just know you'll be so happy! Such a nice location, and the flowers..

The three embrace in a group hug. JACK mutters as he gives the groom a big, manly hug, all the while looking up at JIM behind the groom's sight mouthing "Poor guy." After the hug they straighten their suits.

BEN
Thanks for being here.

BEN takes back off into the crowd. JIM just scowls at JACK and absently pours two glasses full of the cheap scotch. JIM handed the glass to JACK and proposes a toast.

JIM
Hey now, here's to Ben and...Delia..

JACK
Well, let’s at least have fun; let’s go hit on those girls over there.

JIM
Relax, cowboy, those really are girls. They're “what’s-her-name’s” little sister and her friends. Even I know that. Anyways, I thought women were evil.

JACK
Hey, we're drunk and dateless at a wedding. They’re pretty cute.

JIM
So?

JACK
So, they're over eighteen. Chicks dig guys at a wedding.

JACK pours them another drink and hands it to JIM as he looks over at the young women.

JIM
Well, we do have nice tuxes.

JACK
Yeah, brother,. Seventy-five dollar tuxes.

CUT TO:

INT. BENS BEDROOM.

It’s the morning after the wedding. The phone rings and wakes up Delia and Ben in bed.

DELIA
That’s the most sex and champagne I’ve ever had. I’m not going to be able to walk all day.

BEN
From what I can remember, I won’t be either. Damn phone. Who would call the morning after a wedding?

DELIA
Jack. Or some other jack ass.

BEN
I’ll get it. Doesn’t sound like it’s gonna stop.

BEN groggily gets out of bed and covers himself with a sheet and heads into the kitchen where the cordless phone sets on the table.

BEN
Hello?

PHONE
Mr. Ben Roberts?

BEN
Yes. But let me save your breath. I’m not interested.

PHONE
This is the hospital, and I’m pretty sure you’ll be interested.

BEN
What is it?

PHONE
I don’t think we should discuss it over the phone. I’ll set up a meeting in an hour.

BEN
Whoa. I just got married. I’m off for a week, I can’t come in today.

PHONE
To be absolutely blunt with you. You will and you must. If you would like me to set up transportation with the law, that can be arranged.

BEN
What? Okay I’ll be there within the hour.

INT. HOSPITAL

Ben walks down a hallway. He smiles at a couple of nurses who roll their eyes in disgust. He thinks that’s odd and reaches a desk with a large-boned black nurse.

BEN
Hiah, Suzie

SUZIE
Hello, Ben. Wait here, I’ll tell them you’re here.

BEN
Nice to see you too.

SUZIE
I’m not one to judge. Just wait here.

BEN sits down and looks around. He picks up a magazine and looks at the date. It’s a Sports Illustrated featuring the 1988 Olympics. It’s 2004. Finally Suzie comes back
SUZIE
They’re ready for you in room 354

He sighs and gets up and heads to the room. He turns the handle and opens the door to see a table with four doctors and hospital personnel as well as two costumed officers.

ADMINISTRATOR
Mr. Roberts?

BEN
Yes, sir.

ADMINISTRATOR
Please sit.

Ben pulls out the chair and sits while looking around the room at everyone in confusion.

ADMINISTRATOR
Have you got a lawyer?

BEN
Yes.

ADMINISTRATOR
You might want to have him present for this.

BEN
I might. If I had any idea of what might be going on.

ADMINISTRATOR
Do you remember your patient?

ADMINISTRATOR opens a file in front of him. All others at the table open a similar one.

ADMINISTRATOR
A Mister Abernathy?

BEN
Yeah?

ADMINISTRATOR
Seems we have a problem.

BEN
The kidney didn’t take? His body rejected it?

ADMINISTRATOR
Let me rephrase that. It seems you have a problem.

BEN
And that would be..?

ADMINISTRATOR
He’s dead.

BEN
Okay. And this effects me how? People die every ninety seconds here. Not to be cold, but…

ADMINISTRATOR
He died because of complications.

BEN
Understandable. He was eighty-eight.

ADMINISTRATOR stands up and slams the file on the table before BEN with a loud wham that makes everyone jump.

ADMINISTRATOR
You left a goddamn scalpel inside him!

BEN slowly picks up the file and holds up an X-ray of a human abdomen. The outline of a scalpel is visibly apparent.

ADMINISTRATOR
Do you have any idea what a razor sharp instrument does to a human body when it sewn inside? Any idea of the pain? Because the family, their lawyers and this hospital sure do! Your supervising doctor informs us of your tardiness and uncleanliness, as well as authority problems. Your license is suspended until this blows over and we ultimately make a decision on your future, and after the criminal court decides your sentence and the civil court decides your fines. Basically, you fucked up and fucked yourself into a counter job at McDonalds to pay the rent. I have nothing more to say to you. Have your lawyer call ours and May God have mercy on your soul. One more thing. We’ll need an immediate urine test. If the rumors are true, we may be able to save our own asses.

BEN
A piss test?

ADMINISTRATOR
Yes. These officers will go with you. Since you are now officially trespassing. Good day.

ADMINISTRATOR gets up and walks past him out the door. The others follow. All give him a look of disdain. OLD DOC is the last one; he shakes his head in disgrace.
The officers walk over to him.

COP
Let’s drain some pee, junkie.

CUT TO:

BEN is driving in his car down the road yelling at the top of his lungs at JIM over his cell phone.

BEN (on phone)
Fuck if I know! Just go talk to them! I’m telling you I don’t know how! Call me when you know something. Bye.

BEN (to himself as he pulls into garage)
God, Delia’s gonna kill me.

INT. BENS LIVING ROOM

As soon as the door opens a plate smashes against it barely missing BENs head.

DELIA (Screaming)
I’m gonna kill you!

BEN
Listen I can explain!

DELIA
Oh, I bet you can!

BEN
Okay, actually I can’t. But I have Jim working on it.

DELIA
You have Jim working on it?

BEN
It’s just an oversight.

DELIA
Some oversight! Don’t come near me I have a knife! I could kill you.

Another dish flys against the wall by Ben.

BEN
It’ll work itself out in court.

DELIA
In court? You’re damn right! Divorce court! Get your shit and get out! I never want to see you again!
BEN grabs a suitcase that DELIA has prepared for him and a jacket. He grabs some money and his wallet off the chipped coffee table and on top of it is the business card from the Ascention Ranch. With Secret’s name and number scribbled on it, and the odd key. Ben realizes.

BEN
Delia! Wait! Is that what this is about? This business card?

DELIA
Get the fuck out!

BEN
No, it’s nothing. This is nothing.

DELIA
Yeah, nothing.

A knife comes flying out of the kitchen and sticks in the wall dangerously close to his nose.

BEN
Nice throw.

DELIA (very calm)
Get out now.

BEN opens the door and walks out to his car with his suitcase. He stops and looks up at the house and lets out a big sigh and hops in his car. The cell phone rings.

BEN
Delia?

JIM
Jim. Alrighty I got the 411.

BEN
Meet me at the Rhythm Room.

JIM
Rhythm Room? It’s nine thirty in the morning.

BEN
I think you would concur that I’ve had a hell of a long, bad day already.

JIM
Fair enough. Give me an hour.

INT. RHYTHM ROOM

Ben is at the bar. There are plenty of empty shot glasses in front of him as well as an overfilled ashtray and beer bottles. Ben is visibly drunk. He hollers at the bartender, EDWIN, a huge black man in a suit and tie and top hat. The place is deserted except the two and jazz music plays loudly in the background.

BEN
Edwin. Another round.

EDWIN
I’m not so sure ‘bout that, Ben.

BEN
C’mon! I worked here all through Med School. Hook a brother up.

EDWIN
Well, first of all you ain't a brother. Secondly, since you did work here for two years you should know when to cut a “brother” off.

The door opens and the sunlight floods the place the two men squint and shade their eyes until it closes. It is JIM. He comes and sits at the bar next to BEN.

BEN
Hey, Edwin. I’ll have a Sam Adams and you better get my friend here a double of whatever he’s having.

EDWIN
But Jim...

JIM
Trust me, he needs it.

BEN
Yeah, Edwin. Wait, I need it?

JIM
Well I got bad news and I got bad news.

BEN
I’ll take the good news.

JIM
I’m not sure there is any.

BEN
Well, then hit me.

JIM
First of all, you’re urine test came up positive.

BEN
For what?

JIM
I don’t know. I’ll find out. But something. I saw it myself.

BEN
Shit!

JIM
Have you done anything lately?

BEN
I think I did coke in Vegas with that stripper.

EDWIN puts down the drinks.

EDWIN
Yikes.

EDWIN reaches over and places the entire bottle in front of BEN

JIM
Yeah. Me too. Coke only stays in your urine for like 24 hours.

BEN
Well, I didn’t smoke weed or anything. I haven’t done that since we were kids.

JIM
I know. Me neither. But it’s here in black and white. Anyway, that makes you fully liable for the scalpel thing.

BEN
Fuck.

JIM
Yeah fuck. You’ll lose your license. No hospital short of Tijuana will hire you.

BEN
All that time and money down the drain.

JIM
Yeah. Money. Well, there will be a wrongful death civil suit. That may cost you around two mil.

BEN
Two mil? What about malpractice insurance. They take that outta my check.

JIM
Again, with the drugs and size of scalpel. They’ve turned their back.

BEN
Damn, what am I gonna do. And Delia is going to kill me if she ever forgives me for cheating on her.

JIM
Yeah. That’s the other bad news. Edwin?

EDWIN places another full bottle in front of the men.

BEN
What?

JIM pours BEN a shot. BEN just stares at him

JIM
Yeah. She filed for divorce. I just got the papers. It was remarkably quick. Probably wants her half before you go to court and lose it all.

BEN drops his head in his hands on the bar

BEN
How can this be happening?

Jim’s cell phone starts ringing.

CUT TO:

INT. TONBERRYS CAR

Tonberry sits in his car on his cell phone and pulls out the name he was given with the other. He opens it and it reads ‘Delia Greyson’ He presses stop on his tape recorder. The phone answers at the other end. It’s Jim.

CUT TO:

INT. RHYTHM ROOM

Jim yells into his phone in vain. He gets up off his stool and pats BEN on the back

JIM
It’s too loud in here. I’ll be right back

EXT. RHYTHM ROOM

JIM is on the phone

TONBERRY
Alrighty, I got a tip.

JIM
Whatta ya got?

TONBERRY
Does the name Lords mean anything to you?

JIM
Actually it does. Good work. Keep it up. It’s more important than ever now. I’ll make it worth your while. Bye.

JIM hangs up the phone and thinks for a second before walking back into the bar. He adjusts his eyes and sits at the bar. BEN is finishing up a phone call.

BEN
Cool. See ya.

JIM
Hey, what’s up?

BEN
I’m going to Vegas.

JIM
Vegas? Are you sure that’s a good idea?

BEN
Yeah. It’ll be okay. Jack’s still there remember? All week. It’ll be good for me.

JIM
It wasn’t too good for you the first time.

BEN
True. So, this will have to be better. Listen, there’s nothing for me to do here but drink with Edwin here until the inevitable court dates.

JIM
As your lawyer I can’t recommend leaving the state. It’s very bad.

JIM looks at BENs eyes and lets out a sigh

JIM
But as your friend I’ll drive your ass to the airport.

BEN smiles

CUT TO:

EXT. WASHINGTON DULLES AIRPORT

JIM pulls up to the curb in his SUV. BEN hops out with his suitcase, wearing sunglasses.

JIM
Lay low, and for God’s sake, don’t get into trouble. I’ll fly in about a week when I know something. Take care.

BEN
Thanks Jim.

JIM
Have fun.

CUT TO:

INT TROPICANA HOTEL LOBBY

BEN walks up to the desk and pulls out his drivers license

BEN
Hi. Can I get a key for 420?

CLERK types on the computer. Then leaves and comes back with a key card and a chip.

CLERK
Here you go Mr. Roberts, and a daily complimentary chip

BEN
Thanks.

BEN starts walking to the elevator. Then stops when he notices the Blackjack dealer out of the corner of his eye. He looks down at his complimentary chip and walks over to the table.

BEN
Evening.

BLACKJACK DEALER
I remember you.

BEN places the chip down. The dealer deals the cards. BEN looks at what he’s been given and glances up to her glaring stare.

BLACKJACK DEALER (whispering and looking around)
Get out while you can

BEN
What do you mean? I have nineteen.

BLACKJACK DEALER turns over her cards. Looks around impatiently and again whispers

BLACKJACK DEALER (whisper)
That’s not what I mean. Get out.

BLACKJACK DEALER (much louder)
Twenty One. Dealer wins.

BEN stands up and slowly starts walking away keeping a curious eye on the DEALER. She continues to pick up chips and shuffle cards as if nothing ever happened. He shakes it off and pushes the button on the elevator. After a second the door opens and two huge Italian men walk out in fine suits. One brushes past BEN.

GOOMBA
Hey watch it you little fuck!

GOOMBA 2
C’mon. Let’s go.

BEN gets into the elevator.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY

BEN starts walking down the hall when he sees that the room to 420 is open. He walks in slowly and steps over some broken glass.

BEN
Hello? Jack? Jack?

JACK (O.S.)
Yeah, buddy. In here.

BEN turns a corner and sees JACK in the bathroom washing his face. He has obviously been roughed up.

BEN
What the fuck happened here?

JACK
What’s it look like? Fucking hooker. Seems you just can’t trust them. I mean it makes sense in D.C. but here it’s legal. Anyway, bitch got on me reverse cowgirl while her nigger pimp clocked me and took all my money.

BEN
Jesus.

JACK
Yeah, it’s a sad world when you can’t trust a woman who sucks dick for dollars.

BEN
I guess.

JACK
Anyways, the place is yours for the next week. The maid will clean up the mess. Have fun, I gotta take care of some business back home that just came up.

BEN
What? I just got here. Let’s party.

JACK
You’re not the only one with an important job here.

BEN
Actually…

JACK
I gotta get back.

BEN
Fine, go do it but come back. It won’t take you a week.

JACK
Well, I hate to tell ya this but after my little run in with the Fuck ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot, I’m a little low on cash.

BEN
I’ll cover it.

JACK
What do you work for American Airlines? I think we’ve had enough frequent flying between the two of us coast to coast. Save your money and treat yourself. I’ll see you when you return.

BEN
Well…

JACK
You are leaving Las Vegas right? I don’t mean ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ the Nic Cage movie where the dude drinks himself to death with a hooker. Although, I suppose if you got to go that’s a pretty good way. I digress; I mean you are coming back right? Delia loves you, she’ll change her mind.

BEN
That’s actually the least of my worries.

JACK
Are you in some kind of trouble? You know I can help you no matter what. That’s what friends are for.

BEN
No, I’m not in any trouble.

JACK
Well then, get in some! Enjoy Vegas!

BEN
I’ll take you to the airport.

JACK
Naw. It’s cool. I just called a cab. Relax and enjoy.

JACK gives him a big hug and takes off. BEN sits down on the bed and turns on the TV. He grabs the phone and calls room service.

BEN
Room service. Dinner for one. Number three and a bottle of Merlot. No, just one glass.

BEN hangs up and starts flipping through the TV channels. Nature show, army film, casino tutorial, and porn. He stops on the porn and watches for a minute when the bell rings. He looks out the peephole and then opens the door. It is the BLACKJACK DEALER

BEN
Hey. Aren’t you?

BLACKJACK DEALER
I work double shifts.

BEN
Damn. They work you like a slave…

BEN looks at her nametag and sees her name

BEN
Taya

TAYA
Yes they do. You of all people should know that. Here’s your dinner and wine. Would you like me to pour it?

BEN
Um, yeah. Sure. What do you mean; I’ve never seen you before.

TAYA
Correct. And I’ve never seen you since.

TAYA glances at the TV where a woman is now screaming loudly in ecstasy. She gives him a small smile.

TAYA
Thank you, Sir. I’ll let you get to your dinner.

TAYA starts to walk out. BEN stands in front of the door.

BEN
You’re interesting to me. Are you sure you can’t stay for dinner?

TAYA
I’m sure that’s not a good idea.

BEN
Wait. I’ll pay you.

TAYA
Silly man. Good luck.

TAYA walks out with her tray down the hall. BEN yells after her

BEN
Good luck? Wait! What does that mean?

BEN goes back inside and closes the door

BEN (to himself)
What a fucking enigma. All riddle-like and shit. God, a chick takes a couple acting lessons and she thinks she’s Nicole Kidman. Whatever.

BEN lies down on the bed and grabs a sandwich and picks up the glass of wine that is prepared sitting next to the open bottle. He drinks and eats and starts watching the porn. You can sense in his eyes. It’s evident that he is starting to masturbate. When suddenly he stops. He thinks for a second. Then pulls out his wallet. He fishes inside and finds the business card. He pulls up his pants and exits.

CUT TO: EXT. ASCENTION

A taxi pulls up to a well lit place. A sign above the door says “Ascention’s Gentlemen’s Club” The taxi driver gives BEN a big grin.

TAXI DRIVER
Here ya go. Have fun. I don’t doubt that you will.

BEN
Thanks. Keep the change.

BEN gets out and looks at the place. He takes a deep breath and heads in.

INT. ASCENTION

The brothel looks like a big nightclub. Soft music is pumped in and there are couches everywhere. BEN walks up to the bar. The bartender hands him a menu.

BARTEND
Here ya go man. What can I get ya to drink?

BEN
Scotch. Neat.

As the BARTEND leaves to make the drink, BEN looks over the menu. It is a menu for sex. A blowjob costs fifty dollars, etc.

BARTEND
Here ya go. See anything you like on the menu?

BEN
Actually I was looking for someone special.

BARTEND
A regular? Got a card?

BEN
Card?

BARTEND
Her business card.

BEN
Oh yeah. Here.

BEN reaches in his pocket and hand her business card to the BARTEND

BARTEND
Ah. Secret. Nice taste. Room 14.

BEN
Thanks.

BEN starts off through a hallway. Past every room you can hear all kinds of sex. He finally gets to #14 and knocks.

SECRET (O.S.)
Come in!

He opens the door and enters a room that is decorated as a dungeon complete with chains, whips and a rack. SECRET is dressed as a dominatrix fully in black leather.

INT. DUNGEON FETISH ROOM

SECRET
Well, well. Mr. Roberts.

BEN
You remember?

SECRET
How could I forget?

BEN
Are you busy?

SECRET
Not for you. You want it rough?

BEN
No, actually I just thought maybe we could hang out.

SECRET
You don’t want to fuck? After last time?

BEN
Last time?

SECRET
Oh. That’s right. You don’t remember. Oh well, we got it on tape.

BEN
Got what on tape?

SECRET
Man, you are really a fucked up dude.

BEN
What are you saying?

SECRET
In case you truly don’t remember, I’ll show ya. C’mon, I’ve made enough tonight. Let’s party. And we can swing by my place for a refresher.

BEN
Refresher?

SECRET
Is there a fucking echo in here?

CUT TO:

EXT SECRETS HOUSE

BEN and SECRET are driving in her car. She pulls up to a beautiful Town House.

BEN
You live here?

SECRET
What can I say? Business is good, and I’m the best. You know that.

BEN
Do I?

SECRET
Let’s get this over with. C’mon!

They get out of the car and start to head into the house. SECRET tries to open the door. But it’s locked.

SECRET
Damn.

She starts digging around in her purse for the key

BEN
Do I have the key?

SECRET
To my house? That’d be weird. Man, they really fucked you up didn’t they?

BEN
Who?

SECRET
Ah, here it is. Come on in.

INT. SECRETS HOUSE

She walks in and tosses her key on top of the TV. She turns it on. It’s just static.

SECRET
Well, if you want an instant replay just pop this in.

She hands him a tape and leaves the room

SECRET (O.S.)
I’ll be right out. I gotta change. Crotchless panties are so much more uncomfortable than you would think.


BEN slowly walks to the VCR staring at the tape. He puts it in and presses play not sure what he might see. After a second the tape kicks on. It’s a grainy black and white image of BEN having very rough sex with the BLACKJACK DEALER. He turns her around and starts to go again this time doggy style. She is screaming at the top of her lungs a scream that doesn’t sound like passion. Her head slips out of his hand and she hits it off the wall with a whiplash motion knocking her unconscious. He is still holding a strand of her hair. The camera shifts to the corner slowly where we see SECRET coming into frame with a huge strap-on dildo. The camera pans left more where we see about ten men in suits smoking cigars and drinking and watching the scene. One of them is JACK laughing loudly. Suddenly we hear BEN screaming and grunting and SECRET laughing. SECRET comes back into the room, now dressed casually in a little red dress and made up.

SECRET
So, we going to the Tropicana?

BEN
Um.

SECRET
You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

BEN
Who’s the girl?

SECRET (giggling)
I believe you were that night.

BEN
The girl. The blackjack dealer. Taya.

SECRET
Beats me. I didn’t bring her.

BEN
Who did?

SECRET
Beats me.

BEN
Let’s go.

SECRET
Sounds good.

CUT TO:
INT TROPICANA CASINO

SECRET
Alright. Let’s get a drink.

BEN
Wait. I got to find her.

SECRET
What do you need with her? I’m right here.

BEN
I need to know what’s happening.

SECRET
I’ll get you a drink.

SECRET goes to the bar. BEN frantically searches through the casino looking all over for TAYA. He finally sees a blonde dealer with her back to him. He reaches for her and she turns in terror. She is not Taya.

BEN
Sorry.

SECRET comes up to him with a glass. He takes and chugs it. The room starts to spin for a second.

BEN
What was in that?

SECRET
Tequila.

BEN
I hate tequila.

SECRET
You didn’t last time. C’mon let’s play craps. I’ll get you another drink.

MONTAGE of the two playing craps. BEN is having fun and winning a lot and SECRET keeps handing him drinks. After a while SECRET yawns while BEN keeps rocking.

SECRET
Listen, I’m tired. Let’s go fuck.

BEN
I can’t! I’m winning like a motherfucker here. You go up. I’ll be there in a bit.

SECRET
Don’t lose all that money. I ain’t free you know.

BEN
Gotcha.

BEN turns his attention back to the game. SECRET leaves.

BEN
Let it ride!

CRAP DEALER
I’ll have to have that approved.

BEN
Approved?

CRAP DEALER
That’s a two hundred thousand dollar bet, sir.

BEN
Two hundred thousand? Ok. Never mind. I’ll cash out.

CRAP DEALER
Good choice, Sir.

INT. CASINO BAR
BEN sits at the bar waiting for his money to be changed. The waitress from the beginning of the movie comes over to him.

BEN
Johnny Walker Blue. Neat, please.

WAITRESS
I remember you.

BEN
You do?

WAITRESS
Well, sure.

BEN
Are you a...

WAITRESS
Am I a what? Be careful there buddy. All I am is a waitress. A good waitress who remembers her customers that hit on her and drink Johnny Walker Blue.

BEN
I’m sorry. It’s been an interesting night. Week for that matter.

WAITRESS
I’ll get that drink for you.

A couple of stools down from BEN is a man nursing a drink.

MAN
Well, you’ll never get into those panties now.

BEN
That’s OK. Fucking women are nothing but trouble anyways.

MAN
I hear ya. My name’s Knave. Bill Knave. Nice to meet you.

The two shake hands.

BEN
Nice to meet you.

KNAVE
You sound like a married man.

BEN
I am, unfortunately. Not for long though. Divorce.

KNAVE
That would explain why no ring. Divorce is a bitch, man. I used to be a millionaire before some bitch took half of it. When my lawyer told me what she was gonna get I did the only thing I could think of.

BEN
Fucked her sister.

KNAVE
No. I came to Vegas and hired someone to whack her

BEN
Whack her? Like, hit her?

KNAVE
Sorry, that was a little too “Sopranos” No, I mean I had her killed.

BEN (playing along disbelievingly)
Oh yeah. What did that cost ya?

KNAVE
Two hundred grand. Worth every penny.

BEN
Not bad. The guy I use costs two fifty.

KNAVE
Are you mocking me? Say the word and it’s done.

BEN
Sounds good. Make it so, number one.

BEN slams his drink and stumbles to his feet barely able to walk. He turns and looks at the doorway which is now spinning. He stands staring trying to gather himself. A casino banker comes and puts two huge bundles of money on the bar.

CASINO BANKER (O.S.)
Here is your two hundred thousand, Sir.

KNAVE (O.S.)
I’ll take that.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN

BEN is in bed SECRET is naked and cuddled up to him. He wakes up with a groan.

BEN
Goddamn, I must have got fucked up last night.

SECRET
You don’t remember? What time is it? I gotta get back to work.

BEN
I’ll go check. I need to grab a Bloody Mary and a newspaper. Just wait here. I’ll be back.

BEN puts on clothes and shoes and leaves. SECRET rolls over and is back asleep. BEN leaves and walks down the halls yawning and trying to wake up. He goes down the elevator.

INT HOTEL BAR

The bartender makes him a Bloody Mary as he opens the paper to the sports page. The headline reads “Dodgers send Rohner down to the minors after 10-3 loss.”

BEN
Hmm. Guess it wasn’t his time.

KNAVE walks into the bar and sits next to BEN. Ben doesn’t pay any attention.

KNAVE
Just a shot please, I’m in a hurry.

KNAVE takes the shot and rubs his chest. He places a napkin on top of BENs paper and walks out. BEN notices it and opens it.

C.U. NAPKIN

The writing reads “It is done as requested”

BEN looks at it weirdly then starts to get a little remembrance. He puts down his drink and darts out of the bar. He stands at the elevator pushing the ‘up’’ button frantically. In the elevator he stares ahead in terror. Finally the door opens. The hallway is covered with cops entering and exiting room 420. He turns and heads back into the elevator. As the door closes he sees a stroller with a white sheet covering a body and blood leaking and hears his own voice screaming from his homemade porn film.

BEN
Secret. Shit.

BEN’s cell phone starts ringing.

BEN
Hello?

JACK
Hey what’s up?

BEN
Glad you asked. Are you in Vegas?

JACK
Just got in.

BEN
Meet me at the McMurphy bar by the airport bridge.

JACK
Oookay?

BEN
See you there.

JACK
Is everything alrig...

BEN hangs up the phone and tries to calmly walk out of the Tropicana. He looks around very scared. A hotel employee grabs him by the arm causing him to jump

HOTEL MAN
Sir, you forgot your complimentary daily chip. Don’t you want to try your luck?

BEN
Absolutely not.

CUT TO:

EXT MCMURPHYS BAR

A taxi cab pulls up in front.

JACK
Is this place even open? What a dump. Keep the change.

JACK gets out and the cab speeds away. He slowly makes his way to the front door. When he hears a sound coming from the nearby bridge

BEN
Pssst. Over here.

JACK
Man, what the fuck are you doing?

BEN
What are you doing?

JACK
Um. I hopped on the plane last night when you called me.

BEN
I called you?

JACK
Yup. Told me to bring this.

JACK hands BEN a lock box.

BEN
What’s this?

JACK
Fuck if I know. You sent it to me three days ago.

BEN
Three days? Sent it? I haven’t been here that long.

JACK
Have you lost your mind?

BEN
Yes. I’ve done some bad stuff.

JACK
What has happened to you? It seems…


BEN
Things are not as they seem. Sometimes life seems like a crop of hybrid moments. A genetic cross of reality and fantasy with just a little random variation. Every second of the past is conceived by one’s own perception of it; and is therefore drastically different and similar than everyone’s remembrance. Like, when people always ask, “Where were you when Kennedy was assassinated?” Sure we can all to this day picture the scene- the car riding, nice day, black and white. The shot and the terrible swan pose. Yet, everyone has that image. The same. Because it has been engrained into us like a branded photograph. Whether or not we saw it in its’ timeline, It’s the same for me on the playground at the time, nowhere near the television as it was for my father in the smoky bar, and as it was for my aunt who was in the crowd that day. Yet, that wasn’t even the way the shooter saw it. He pulled the trigger only to hear a shot fire too soon, too far away to be his as he watched the scene unfold in real time. That’s why we ask “Where were you?” It’s not about the scene, the image, the day, of even the killing. It’s about where you were and how you saw it. And everyone has the exact same story that’s drastically different.

JACK
That’s way too deep man. You don’t even know what you’re saying. That’s all alcohol and drug logic.

BEN
Maybe. Maybe I’ll never remember that that is exactly how I feel tomorrow. But I assure you it is and it has been spoken. I don’t know what journey this thought will take, if it even does, but it now exists in time. It happened and the minutes verified it. This week of this year at this time. Either way if you remember a word, I assure you it will be different somehow.

JACK
You do have a point, but I think you’ve drank too much and are really just talkin’ smack. Wisdom from a bottle.

BEN
I say I drank just enough, and I’m right.

JACK
Well then, better write that down, because you’re never right.

BEN
No, I’m never wrong. Perhaps because I never write it down.


JACK
Listen all I know is that I heard about all the trouble in DC. And I just got acall from the Tropicana that the police are looking for you. Now you tell me you’ve done some “bad stuff”?

(AS FOLOWING MONOLOGUE IS SPOKEN IT IS PLAYED ONSCREEN)
BEN
I’m not saying that moments did or didn’t happen. What I’m saying is that it’s like it’s hidden. My mom remembers a Sunday afternoon. January 20, 1980. 12:37 pm, partly sunny. We were going to have turkey sandwiches and chips so as not to spoil my appetite for her special spaghetti that evening. I was out front playing. The phone rang. That sick ring that a phone seems to have even though there’s never been a different ringer installed. The one you knew. She slowly went to answer it; the lace drapes left a spotted pattern on the yellowed tile floor. From the phone she could see me in the driveway playing with my yo-yo. Her beloved father, her rock, my grandfather had died. She dropped the phone, it broke, and she started howling hysterically. A thunderstorm broke and it started to pour as if on cue. She looked out at me in the pouring rain from her broken, fetal sitting position, too weak to yell at me. I continued to play. The next day was the funeral. She wore black. The lady clerk, who always gave me bubblegum, wore red. I wore a suit for a little man. I was calm and quiet she said. She was proud of her little soldier. I was JFK Jr. years before. I was well behaved with all the commotion and family. I just played with my yo-yo she said. Many years later on an anniversary dinner or something she asked me- “do you remember?” Oh yes, I replied “I remember that yo-yo. It was a Duncan. Yellow, with a Mighty Mouse sticker just barely hanging on for its dear life. It never really stayed on well because I pulled it off my T-Shirt after the nice nurse with the white shoes gave it to me for not crying as she injected my buttocks with some serum. It had fuzzies on it from my favorite green flannel. I remember how it looked like he was flying when I swung that yo-yo like I was the third Smother Brother. I remember that day I achieved my yo-yo bliss by pulling off the difficult trick of “walk the dog” I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually right, but I pretended and it made me happy. I remember this yo-yo intimately, but I don’t remember Grandpa. I couldn’t tell you what happened January 20, 1980 12:37 pm, yet I could tell you of the Sunday afternoon that I walked the dog in the rain and laughed as Mighty Mouse hung on for dear life, like my grandpa never died, and there’s never been a better yo-yo since.

JACK
Fuck this I’m outta here. Have a nice life.

JACK starts walking off. BEN sits down in the dirt under the bridge. He looks at the lock box. He thinks and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out his mystery key. He puts it in the box. It opens. Inside, he starts to pull out its contents. A copy of the videotape from the previous night, and a gun. He looks at it sadly. Finally he pulls out a postcard.

C.U. POSTCARD

A beautiful Vegas sunset. A girl in a bikini sips on a coconut. Above her is the logo. “Wish you were here”
BEN
Nice to see my sense of humor managed to stay intact. Sick as it is.

He turns it over.

BEN (VOICEOVER)
If you’re reading this you’re fucked. There’s one bullet in the gun. Don’t miss.

CUT TO:
JACK is standing by the bar on the payphone. A loud shot is heard. BEAT. JACK smiles a big grin.

FADE OUT

FADE IN
DELIA and JACK on a boat with a suitcase full of money laughing and smiling

DELIA
What a fucking loser!

JACK
Talk about a way out of a rock and a hard place. I don’t get rocked by the Vegas mafia and you don’t have to go to a hard place for your half a mil.

DELIA
Now all we have to do is fuck and relax on our island.

JACK
Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.

JACK pulls out a razor blade and immediately slashes her neck. She lies on the floor coughing blood as JACK ties a concrete block around her leg and tosses her in the water.

CUT TO:

JIMS HOUSE

The cell phone rings.

JIM
Hello? Tonberry. Whatdya know?

TONBERRY
I found out all we need to know. Ends up this perp you got me spying on? Seems her real name is Delia Lords.

JIM
Lords?

TONBERRY
As is Vegas Lords. The leader of the underground sex society in Vegas. He’s amassed an empire on porn. Now he owns the Tropicana. That and a seedy little club called Ascention in downtown Vegas. The name on that lease?

JIM
Yeah?

TONBERRY
Jack McKee

JIM
Jack? That’s impossible.

TONBERRY
Yup. And it’s run by a woman named Jill McKee. Or as she’s known to the perverted locals….

JIM
Secret.






















H Y B R I D M O M E N T S




Screenplay by Kairyn Torn























Draft 1.1 February 18, 2004
1.2 March 25, 2004
1.3 May 4, 2004