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The Gargoyle Girl. (version II).

by laurafraser 

Posted: 06 November 2004
Word Count: 556
Summary: Alice/roovacrag-for you, a poeticised version of a previously poetically challenged non-poem...version two, I think may be slightly more poetic-I hope! Thank-you for your comments and would be interested if anyone would be so kind to compare and see what works... x Laura


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Version I:


Mummy says that you really don’t exist lisped the girl who hated wearing pink shiny smooth baby shoes.
And the gargoyle simply smiled and carried on eating his melon.
Mummy says gargoyles are stone statues and that they are inanimate.
And the gargoyle simply smiled and spat out the melon seeds.
Mummy also says that I should grow up and not get cross when adults say I am a liar.
And the gargoyle stopped smiling simply and started to stare seriously at the girl with the plaits that annoyed him.

Mummy says and suddenly
the gargoyle’s hand sliced through the air
to press a finger tip
to the un-kissed lips
of the six year old girl with a t-shirt on of a cartoon character he supposed he rather fancied.

What mummy says is not what you have to say, said the gargoyle,
and what I say, you do not have to say, either.
Words may asked to be spoken, but lips can always refuse little girl -
now when my hand comes away little girl, little girl when my hand comes away,
please give a message to your nougat-chewing flabby-bellied friends-
that when my hand comes away little girl, little girl when my hand comes away,
stop speaking, start thinking, and please just go (far) away.

And the hand came away and the little girls mouth remained closed and she stared seriously at the stone gargoyle,
parted her lips,
winked before getting off the grass where she’d sat
and skipping slowly alongside the stream,
(outside her mummy’s house),
laughed, before going in for tea.



Version II.

Mummy says that you really don’t exist
lisped the little girl, with her pink shiny smooth baby shoes
dangling from her little girl fists.
And the gargoyle simply smiled and carried on eating his melon.
Mummy says gargoyles are inanimate.
And the gargoyle simply smiled and spat out the melon seeds.
Mummy also says that I should grow up and not get cross when adults say I am a liar.
And the gargoyle stopped smiling simply and started to stare seriously at the little girl with the plaits that annoyed him.

Mummy says&suddenly
the gargoyle’s hand sliced through the air
to press a finger tip
to the un-kissed lips
of the six year old girl with a t-shirt on of a cartoon character
he supposed he rather fancied.

What mummy says is not what you have to say,
and what I say, you do not have to say, either.
Now why don't you run off and play-hey?
Now, when my hand comes away little girl, little girl when my hand comes away,
please give a message to your nougat-chewing flabby-bellied friends, telling them to listen to what you say,
that when my hand comes away little girl, little girl when my hand comes away,
stop speaking, start thinking, and please just go (far) away.

The hand came away,
and the little girl still did stay,
her mouth remained closed as she stared seriously, almost imperiously,
and then quickly she winked, her little left eye-lid so pink
before skipping along
and singing a song
and laughing out loud,
she turned and bowed
to the gargoyle who sat, smiling in the soil,
before spinning around, like she was wearing a princesses gown,
and running in home for tea.







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Comments by other Members



anisoara at 18:37 on 06 November 2004  Report this post
Laura,

This is superb. So imaginative. I love it. More, please!

Ani

joanie at 20:13 on 06 November 2004  Report this post
Brillaint, Laura. This really had pictures running around my head!
Lovely.

joanie

roovacrag at 21:50 on 06 November 2004  Report this post
Nice, just a bit repeating itself.
Not actually a poem.

More a story or fantacy....
Work on this and you might get it right.

xx Alice

laurafraser at 09:24 on 07 November 2004  Report this post
Ani and Joanie, thank-you for your kind comments- I am glad that you enjoyed the imagery and basic idea of it-thank-you for reading xLaura

Alice,
please see my second version, my attempt at a poem! Thank-you for your comments, I digested them and realise what you say, i think that what you say about the "story fantasy" element in my 'poetry' is true, but then that is a quality (for better or worse) that i try and inject in all my work. I think very often the fantasy can be as simple as the message the poet is trying to get across to his reader be that emancipation from drugs/lies, or fantasy itself or the fantasy of the world he is creating in the poem where lepricorns lunch with lamas on tables covered in diamonds and lilly pads...fantasy i believe can be an increadibly potent tool for the poet because it allows us to slip away frrom reality and yet still get our truth/message across, be that in a poem or story form.
i can see what you mean by this not being a poem and more of a story-it was more of an experiment for me as i wanted to play with form and style slightly and see what the reaction would be, so I appreaciate your comments and thank-you for making them!
Hope in som way the above babble makes a rain-drop of sense...
Laura xx

The Walrus at 09:38 on 07 November 2004  Report this post
As has been said, this is superb/brilliant. I was interested to read your comments on 'fantasy'. Made me wonder whether you simply meant 'imagination' or something more than that ie a reality beyond our material/tangible world. Whatever, I agree that as a poetic 'tool', it is indeed very powerful as you have demonstrated. Also, I liked that spirit of 'childhood magic' which people generally sacrifice at the altar of adulthood. Such a pity.

Look forward to reading more Laura.

The Walrus

<Added>

btw, I like both versions and feel that whether this piece constitutes poetry or prose, is irrelevant.

anisoara at 09:58 on 07 November 2004  Report this post
Laura,

I prefer the first version, although the second is nice, too. (Just personal preferences.) And I love the story / fantasy element. That's what's lovely with creative work - you make it up, it's YOURS - and nothing is right or wrong.

laurafraser at 11:19 on 07 November 2004  Report this post
The Walrus and Ani,
thank-you for reading and your comments. -Walrus I was using the word fantasy in both aspects, but very closely linked. Not ovbiously that there are lamas luching with lepricorns but that the idea of them can symbolise a very potent message-closely linked with what you identified as the spirit of "childhood magic."
also thank-you for your last comment-that was initially my reaction when reading alice's comment (no negative feeling implied!) but i wanted to show that whether a piece conforms to a slightly more traditionalist concept of wha poetry 'should' be should not detract from it's premise, infact the more it veers away from the traditional path the more it fascinates for me because i think the work takes on a highly individual/personalised slant that perhaps would be lost if one was worried about rhyme/form etc...
Ani-i prefer the first as well, but read above to see why i added-thank-you for reading again, your comments are completely in unison with what i feel-creativity dies a death when one slaps concepts and rules all over it-the second version was meaant slightly toungue in cheek-eg the use of totally primary school ryhyme "play-hey.." etc
anyway happy sunday all and thanks again for all of your comments x

Souchong at 17:02 on 07 November 2004  Report this post
loved this laura. 1st version works better for me - though there are nice touches in the 2nd e.g. 'little girl fists' - i like the juxtapositon in it of ideas about childhood and what it means to be female.

enjoying the discussion about fantasy and imagination. cool people on this site, huh.

souchong

laurafraser at 11:59 on 08 November 2004  Report this post
Souchong,
thank-you for reading and your comments. The general consensus seems to be first one works better which i feel too-love your interpretation of 'what it means to be female' have jus read it back and yes i see elements of that coming through-though didn't have that intention when i wrote-in fact no intention at all when i wrote just wanted to have a childish 'play'!
and yes i love it when discussions erupt after a poem-that is the whole point of art/literature/poetry etcc isn't it-to transfer a message that can be opined and opined about till the cows come home...
thanks again x laura

Don Gorgon at 23:16 on 08 November 2004  Report this post
Now this is a tough one! laura, I think that if you would have wrote 'Version II' first, there would not have been such a good little discussion about your poem. However, I read 'Version I' the other day and didn't get chance to comment, but I liked it very much. Is it a poem? Well, it works for me! At the same time, I can see where roovacrag is coming from, but like you said, you were experimenting and we all know there is no real precise definition of what constitutes a poem or not, so what the heck! Personally, I much prefer the 'Version I', when I read the 'Version II', it doesn't seem as 'natural', if you know what I mean, it feels like it's been 'doctored', but I think that's because I read the 'Version I' first!

Your imagination with this poem is great, the 'fantasy' element does shine through. I can see the gargoyle and the little girl having this conversation and I like the 'wink' at the end, almost as if to say, 'yeh right!', but not really knowing for sure.

Nice one laura

Thanks

Don

laurafraser at 14:04 on 09 November 2004  Report this post
Don thank-you for reading-yes version ii definittly not natural-purely because it wasn't! so i am glad that you prefer the first one
xlaura

kcirts at 13:42 on 10 November 2004  Report this post
Laurs,

I like both versions, I think a mix of the two works best.
I think your idea of a gargoyle comming to life for a little girl would make a good book. You could take the story so many places. I sounds like a winner to me.

kcirts

<Added>

sorry I misspeled your name Laura
kcirts

laurafraser at 17:26 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
thank-you for the idea-might preamble down that path at some point and if it ever gets published you will find your name, or as ww knows it, on the dedications!
thank-you for reading xlaura


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