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Twilight

by Alok 

Posted: 13 June 2003
Word Count: 27
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The Moon is shining,
Street lamps glowing.

I looked round,
He wasn't there.

Ten years,
Priceless.

Maybe I will dream tonight,
If only I can dream tonight.






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Comments by other Members



llydstp at 12:21 on 14 June 2003  Report this post
Hello Alok
Welcome to WriteWords.
A nice, touching little poem, saying a lot in a few words.
Just a bit bothered by the mixing of tenses in the first two verses: present in first verse, past in second verse. Doesn't seem to work for me. Wouldn't: I look around He isn't there be better?
What do you think?
Best wishes
Steve
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poemsgalore at 14:38 on 14 June 2003  Report this post
Yes, very good and to the point, although I have to admit I didn't understand "Ten years, priceless" or am I just being dumb?
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Ioannou at 13:22 on 15 June 2003  Report this post
I think the changing tenses makes the poem stronger. Keep writing. Love, Maria.
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didau at 14:00 on 17 June 2003  Report this post
the 'ten years' is intriguing - my first thought is a prison sentence. If that's the case then the poem has a feeling of relief that 'he' isn't there.

david
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paul53 [for I am he] at 13:32 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
He's right about the tense. Nevertheless, an intriguing piece.

<Added>

p.s. Stevie Smith changed tense, and it was called genius.
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