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Rejection
Posted: 12 June 2003
Word Count: 66
Summary: yes, folks it is that dreaded two letter word again!
:o)
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pivoted around the centre
held by centrifugal force
gyroscopically rooted
earthed and bonded
to the core
what could topple such assertion?
how could this balance be upset?
all it takes to break momentum
all it takes is one word yet
turned away in cold rejection
two letters make the final straw
one word that is the least expected
one word to break a heart once more
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Comments by other Members
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 Ellenna at 08:19 on 13 June 2003
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For me ...this is all about illusion and then disillusion.
I enjoyed the image of magnetic forces and then the repelling of those forces !Great :)
Ellie
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didau at 09:32 on 13 June 2003
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I very much like your first stanza - a great metaphor which could be extended further.
not so sure about the middle four lines although they do have a balancing affect and I quite liked the double question followed by the two lines beginning 'and'.
but the final stanza doesn't quite work for me - the rhyme (especially as the rest of the poem in unrhymed) is a little cheesy and what begins with a very subtle image descends into something a little too obvious. The previous comment talks about attracting and repelling forces which is a great idea but you don't really do it. Why not try tweaking this final stanza to incorporate the idea of magnetic repulsion maybe?
I hope all this comes across as constructive because I like the poem and feel that it hasn't yet reached its full potential.
cheers, david
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bluesky3d at 11:47 on 13 June 2003
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Ellie and David, thank you for your much valued comments, yes it came across as very constructive David.. I only just wrote the poem so it hasn't had the chance to mature yet and get passed the 'cheesy stage' and reach full ripe and mellow maturity!
Maybe the amended word below, substituting 'apart' for 'heart' might make it less cheesy ... but will put it in a cool dry place for a while to let it take up its own flavour! One might say it was all a matter of taste!
turned away in cold rejection
two letters make the final straw
one word that is the least expected
one word to break apart once more
It is probably still too obvious.
Andrew :o)
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bluesky3d at 12:14 on 13 June 2003
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Attempt number 2!
pivoted around the centre
held by centrifugal force
gyroscopically rooted
earthed and bonded
to the core
what could topple such assertion?
how could this balance be upset?
all it takes to break momentum
all it takes is one small step
turned away in cold rejection
turned away, with no regret
just one word, so unexpected
just one word, I’m torn apart
now I need a new beginning
now I need to start again
how I wish I had not sent it
how I wish I could forget
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llydstp at 13:04 on 13 June 2003
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I don't know where all this talk of magnetism is coming from, as this particular force is never mentioned in the poem. Back to those physics lessons folks!
Steve
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bluesky3d at 13:48 on 13 June 2003
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magnetic force was never mentioned!
what attraction brought us here?
that word, which was not spoken
from where did it suddenly appear?
gravity is what is called for
apply the rule of inverse square
further steps must now be taken
to get this poem half way near
when it is finished, I’ll post another
to be dissected, torn apart
now again my head is spinning
a fallen top, its come to nought!
Andrew :o)
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Ellenna at 14:47 on 13 June 2003
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Just shows how visual images stirred up by words can vary so much... from person to person. :) I still like the original better!
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bluesky3d at 06:28 on 15 June 2003
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To avoid any shadow of a doubt
I’ll tell you what this poem is all about
A submission of work, or a submission to love
you have to know when you have had enough
If it ends in tears and dejection
then you must face up to that rejection
It is time to turn and go
when that final word is ‘no’!
andrew :o)
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didau at 13:46 on 16 June 2003
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I think I like the shape of v1 the most - it has balance - but your reworking has some graet lines.
maybe you could, er, combine the two? i know that's more chemistry than physics.
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bluesky3d at 15:07 on 16 June 2003
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thanks David
attempt number 2 was a little tongue in cheek, trying to make it relevant to postings on here.. (chuckles)
The cheese is still in the cool room, maturing right now!
Andrew :0)
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