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08:02 to Waterloo - choo choo train to hell!

by optiplex 

Posted: 26 October 2004
Word Count: 31
Summary: on the way to work this morning.....

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One reading, one working
One thinking, one trying
One grimacing, one stressing
One crying, one comforting
One will notice, that no one will notice
No one smiling, and no one escaping...

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Comments by other Members

joanie at 06:24 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
optiplex, this is brilliant. I love the sound and feel of the train. Few words, but lots communicated. I think the last line could lose the second 'is' - just a thought.


optiplex at 07:23 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
Joanie - many thanks for comments - I wasnt sure about the "is" either - so I have now removed them both.

Thanks for you're comments.


Souchong at 08:26 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
this has a lovely symmetry and balance. it sways along like the train itself.
i like the sense of the onlooker, the observer.
compact but spacious. nice one, opti.


Fearless at 12:16 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
Rhythmic. Also true that when you're blinkered, you're imprisoned.

Write on, Fearless

poemsgalore at 18:12 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
I got the sense of the train movement too, a very well observed poem and excellently written.

Don Gorgon at 18:23 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
Nice one optiplex. A cool little snapshot of your journey! The way you've put together the lines does give the feel of the train, I dig that, and the last lines are an acute observation indeed! Unhappy people trapped in unhappy lives, that's what it says to me. Great work.



optiplex at 19:37 on 27 October 2004  Report this post

Many thanks for you're kind words.


crowspark at 22:28 on 27 October 2004  Report this post
Great poem Optiplex. It sounds like it goes over a set of points at the end. My hands are shaking from memories of the 08:10 to Victoria!


roger at 09:07 on 29 October 2004  Report this post
Beautifully observed, Opti....few words, much said...and the rhythm of the train is a great idea. I read it as very dark, too - sad lives, often meaningless. Great stuff. You have a really good eye; you should try prose as well as poetry.

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