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by sowelu 

Posted: 20 October 2004
Word Count: 389

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Shadows of myself possess my inner child.
There is a distance inside of me, that cannot be controlled.
The space and emptiness is forever out of reach.
I want to speak, but I've lost my inner voice.
Circles surrounding me,ever following me,
down to the bottom of myself.
There's an urgency that carries me,to the outmost part of me.
I don't know who I am anymore, am I me or am I me?

Perpetuating movements of my mind confuse me now.
I cannot understand the reasons of things I see.
There's an urgency to run from where I am, but where would I go?
Being here is all I have, all I've got, and all I know.
Where do I start the ride? Where do I feel? Where do I see?
Recovering the pains of all my yesterdays.
Am I ever to set myself free?

I left you in the back of my mind, I can't help it, it happens all the time.
There's a deep inner need in me to let you go forever,
and I don't know why I feel this way,and I don't know if I will ever?
The peace I find is burning up inside my soul.
I can't seem to catch up with the thoughts in my mind,
they overtake me and carry on without me following.
I crave to have somebody here, to rest with me awhile.
But I cannot gather the speed to run the distance anymore.
Because I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going.
Always with me but not with me, I have no way of knowing.

The rest is history, it's been written all the time.
There is no way to understand the thoughts inside my mind.
The thoughts I have make no sense to me at all.
Separated yearnings will I rise or will I fall?
They conquer all the memories and feelings I ever had.
I don't know why this pleases me, am I happy or am I sad?
Suddenly nothing is clear to me anymore.
And what used to be so special doesn't matter to me anymore.
Sharing who I am is hurtful to those who want to hear.
Another day,another life, nothing seems clear to me now.
I want to let all the anger out, but somehow I don't know how.

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Comments by other Members

Fearless at 20:26 on 20 October 2004  Report this post
An excellent, honest, nakedly-written piece, that conveys the frustration, uncertainty, turmoil and hope that virtually all of us feel, experience at least once. If you carry on writing like this, with the courage of your convictions, you won't go wrong.

Write on, Fearless

James Anthony at 20:45 on 20 October 2004  Report this post
I agee with Fearless - so honest and raw almost. I had butterflies at one point reading this because I felt nervous. One thing I wondered about was the use of the word controlled in the first stanza. It tripped me up and stopped the flow because I couldn't really work out the meaning of controlling distance. MAybe measured? I am not sure what you meant but I guess a sort of helplessness or impotence.

Just a thought...loved it though

sowelu at 21:28 on 20 October 2004  Report this post
Thankyou for that question JA, I feel control in whatever form it manifests itself,for example,control of parents or teachers or society in general,also how we control ourselves through restraint,or limited self belief,stops our souls from flowing freely,it distances us from our inner child from our true unconditioned essence,from who we really are!!(Even the word 'controlled' stopped the flow of your reading! JA.)The distance speaks to me of a seperation or remoteness in the relationship between our inner and outer self, that we have no control of!!

Chem at 21:45 on 20 October 2004  Report this post

I certainly resonated with this poem. A strong piece.
The line that spoke the loudest, to me, was 'Sharing who I am is hurtful to those who want to hear.'


Souchong at 23:12 on 20 October 2004  Report this post
sounded like lyrics to me, suze.
love circle imagery. eternal soul stuff. is almost as though poem itself is circular too.
good stuff

roovacrag at 16:01 on 21 October 2004  Report this post
Fantastic piece,you brought yourself forward and went on to say more.
Bring yourself out and more will pour.

Well done.

xxxx Alice

The Walrus at 19:03 on 21 October 2004  Report this post
As Fearless has said, a nakedly honest piece. The product of harnessing, shaping and articulting feelings/thoughts such as these is very powerful.

Look forward to more.

The Walrus

Don Gorgon at 17:16 on 22 October 2004  Report this post
Sowelu, it must be very satisfying to be able to get these feelings down on paper, therapy in itself, and I must agree with what's been said already, very powerful stuff. A sad but very enjoyable read. Thanks Sowelu.


sowelu at 15:27 on 26 October 2004  Report this post
Thanks to you all, for your encouraging comments. Doing this piece as Don Gorgon commented was extremly therapeutic for me!And the comments I have received will inspire me to continue.

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