Bubble.
Posted: 19 October 2004
Word Count: 100
|
Font Size
|
|
Don`t burst my bubble!
A surprising pierce, with a gate crashed spear.
Oh dear a big round tear,runs down my cheek.
The damage is done ...
Now my imagination`s on the run.
What I felt wasn`t so ,isn`t the case,
I feel fraught and debased.
Remember the hallogen balloon,fly away.
The message I sent,a wish misspent?
You make your own luck I would say,
Percieve it for yourself
not necessarily society`s way.
Let your mind unravel the revelations,
eyes away from prejudice,judgement feel your qualitive,visions.
Charge your inner pendulum,with hurt turn to joy,
to be a man not a boy.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Brian Aird at 10:13 on 20 October 2004
 Report this post
|
What was this about? What does 'surprising piece with a gate crashed spear' refer to?
Brian
| |
 TheGodfather at 14:39 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
Lawrenco,
I read this as about writing, about receiving critiques, etc. It worked to a degree. I enjoyed the line "Remember the hallogen balloon,fly away." "comming" is spelled wrong. "necassarily" is spelled wrong also. I wondered why only parts of it had rhyme - case/debased, done/run, sent/misspent, say/way, joy/boy. There isn't any consistency or pattern in the rhyming. I like the rhymes though, some of them creative. You might save the first line till later in the poem for more impact. Just a thought.
TheGodfather
| |
Fearless at 19:39 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
I liked this. Evoked memories of Kipling's 'If', and a phrase used by an ex girlfriend in jest...'Stop the world, I wanna get off'. Important messages wrapped up in what would make a good performance piece - fancy performing it tomorrow evening?
Write on, Woz
| |
The Walrus at 19:46 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
On the tails of some fairly, ummm, 'direct' criticism, sure this piece is somewhat dense and ambiguous. However, firstly, I don't read it as about writing/receiving critiques. I sense this is more about a relationship, about a degree of harshness, the subsequent disillusionment and pain that follows. I think it also speaks of people's perceptions and conditioning.
I could of course have this completely wrong.
The Walrus
PS Mispelling doesn't bother me, other things do however.
<Added>
Just to reiterate Patrick and for the record, re: my PS - the 'other things' have nothing to do with either you or your poem. Red x
| |
Lawrenco at 21:48 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks for all comments.Firstly I have changed it from yesterdays posting as it didn`t make very good reading.This is the original take and trying to be clever(as well as bad spelling)made the piece illegable,so my apologies for that and I do welcome the criticism.
So Brian the pierce not piece.Your directness is aprieciated.
The Godfather,I hope this makes more sense know it is cleaned up.
Christine, I think certainly your on the right track as I intended it to be.
Ambiguous yes ,so the reader can have their take on it from their inner experience,a reflective feel to it.Your explanation is a fair assumption.
Woz,Yes the kipling influence I must admit thinking I was nicking a part of the last line of "if".I suppose the Childlike logic of ee cummings is also present,as for performing it tommorow?
Possibly another piece(if the oportunity arises).
| |
TheGodfather at 22:30 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
Lawrenco,
Substantial improvements. I like it. Very e.e. cummingsish in a lot of ways. The world really is puddle wonderful for boys. You've got a strong piece here.
TheGodfather
___________________
A few suggestions:
imaginations --> imagination's
societies --> society's
| |
Lawrenco at 23:04 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
Godfather.
Thanks for the wake up call on this poem,i`m just happy it fell together in the end.
| |
gard at 23:52 on 20 October 2004
Report this post
|
HI Lawrenco
wow some hard critiques above but glad you handled it. Yes there is a quality of ee cummings in this piece. Interesting piece made me wonder on the motivations for it?
Anyhow I always think my own bubble can only be burst once but then again puncture repair kits are pretty good these days..am I rambling..
G
| |
roovacrag at 15:10 on 21 October 2004
Report this post
|
Larenco,
Loved this to bits.
Very emotional and one I can relate to.
Read a book more than 40 years ago where it said."You burst my bubble". Brought memories back.Always remembered the line and half the book.
Well done a great piece as far as I am concerned.
Well done.
xxxxxxxxxxx Alice joy
<Added>
LAWRENCO............ i am a lousy speller as most will agree.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
| |
Lawrenco at 00:46 on 22 October 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Gina,Yes puncture repair kits ,have improved in this technological age and why can`t the science of love have improved with it as it were?!Enjoyed the ramblings especially in Barcelona!
N.B La Ramblas: Famous walk way ,where people sit and watch the world go by,1 euro a seat these days I would have imagined.
<Added>
Thanks Alice ,
I`m glad it hit a note with yourself ,was it you that set up the ee cummings in the poetry seminar ?If so your partly responsible for this poem anyway .
Your enthusiasm for the poem made me feel really chuffed.
| |
Lawrenco at 01:07 on 22 October 2004
Report this post
|
I really wasn`t offended by any criticism,neither The Godfather ,or Brian,were negative, the original draft was misleading.I personaly welcomed it,it made me focus on it to a probably to better affect. Thankyou all for your kind words and thought.
| |
TheGodfather at 22:38 on 22 October 2004
Report this post
|
Lawrenco,
I'm glad it worked out for you and glad to be of any help, if I was ;) I hope the thing in class went well.
TheGodfather
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
