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Secret

by Mac 

Posted: 05 October 2004
Word Count: 161


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Can you keep a secret?
Everyone loves a secret. From the playground tittle-tattle of whoís in trouble and why, to the tales behind filing cabinets of whoís kissed who.
I love secrets. So do you.
Itís a powerful feeling knowing a secret. And the more people who want to know it, the more powerful you feel.
Yet most people fritter that strength away because they canít keep a secret.
I can.
I once knew something that everyone in the country wanted to know. You all know about it now, but for twelve days I was the only person on the face of the earth that knew. Walking about, knowing that I knew what you all wanted to know, carrying that precious information; well, Iím not ashamed to say it gave me a hard on.
A solid week of rain and a curious dog let you in on that little ruse.
Thatís okay.
I have four other secrets. Soon Iíll have five.






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Comments by other Members



dryyzz at 13:04 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Nice work.

Definately made me think.

I didn't 'get' 'the week of rain and the curious dog', but I'm not sure I was supposed to. It had a nice mysterious resonance to it.

I liked the 'four other secrets', but the clincher for me was 'soon I'll have five'.

How this secret is going to be attained when no-one else knows about it does ask a lot of questions.

For me the piece hinted at a supernatural element to the narator, though that may not be what you intended.

This definately works as a hook. Was this going to be part of something larger, or a stand-alone piece?

..tales behind filling cabinets of who kissed who' doesn't quite work for me, I know what it means but the sentence does seem overly clunky.

Good Stuff

Darryl




eyeball at 14:42 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Hi Mac
Interesting voice this, starts off sounding so rational and ends up sounding sinister.
Am I right in thinking the 'A solid week of rain and a curious dog' line implies something emerged from the ground that shouldn't have?
Subtle and nasty (in a good way)
Sharon

Heckyspice at 14:48 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Hi Dominic,

Like Darryl,I did not get the line about the rain and the dog. It suggested either some silly season news story that suddenly broke large or an intimate event.

The impresssoin is that the narrator is a fantasist living for his secrets. I could imagine him being a camera, possibly belonging to a papparapsi. (Don't know what means about hard ons though). There is a good creepy edge to this and it does have a nice kick at the end.

Best Wishes,

David

Nell at 15:08 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Mac, this is very clever. Feeling vaguely dissatisfied with the rain and the dog I left the computer to make a cup of tea before it hit me. I reasoned that if he was the only person on the face of the earth to know for twelve days, then the secret must be a body and he must be the killer! And he has four other secrets - soon to be five. Brilliant.

One tiny thing (there usually is one, although I don't leap on them with joy, whatever some of you may think.)

I thought the word 'ruse' was off-key - a ruse is a wily subterfuge - why not just say 'let you in on that one' or something similar?

Very sharp and sinister - good stuff. Where will he (it must be a he?) strike next?

Nell.

<Added>

Of course it's a he - even that's taken care of with the hard-on. Great!

Account Closed at 16:29 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Oh yes, Mac, I feel like I'm being let in on the secret here - that he's whispering it in my ear. Now I've read Nell's explanation, I'm even more impressed with this - very clever.

Elspeth

Anj at 19:31 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Mac,

I could see the guy talking to me, hear him speaking to me - and it did have a wonderful feeling that he was speaking only to me. Creepy, sinister, fab.

Feel I should balance that with a criticism - but I can't.

Don't shoot me.

Take care
Andrea

ShayBoston at 19:38 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Hi Dom,

I like it! The boasts of a killer. It's almost the way a killer would taunt the police, whilst remaining his anonimity. He's telling us his secret, but not revealing himself. Good stuff.

Gwenny



<Added>

retaining

Jubbly at 21:34 on 05 October 2004  Report this post
Yeah Mac great flash. I got it in one, the narrator's voice is a great combination of sinister yet wanting to be liked. How I imaging those letters serial killers write to the police might come across.

Well done

Julie

Mac at 06:14 on 06 October 2004  Report this post
Thanks for all your comments. Yes, it was a body emerging from the ground.
Points about clunky sentences and the use of the word ruse are taken on board... I was a bit unsure about ruse myself and that sentence is a little awkward sounding.

anisoara at 06:50 on 06 October 2004  Report this post
Mac,

Yes, this is sinister indeed. I take it tha I, as your read, will soon vecome your fifth secret!

I get the week and curious dog -- the week of rain loosened up the soil and the dog followed his nose and dug up the secret.

Creepy!!! Yuckety Yuck!!!!

I hope I don't meet your narrator. Ever!

Well done. And only 161 words. Super!

Ani



<Added>

<sigh>

Let me rewrite that second sentence:

"I take it that I, as your reader, will soon become your fifth secret!"



DerekH at 10:56 on 07 October 2004  Report this post
Wow that's clever...and so is Nell. I did't get it, until her comment. Then I got that 'wow that's clever' feeling, with a smile. Very sinister. His hard on makes it even more twisted now that I know.

Great, and very scary.

Derek.

Mac at 12:02 on 07 October 2004  Report this post
Ahh, the sinister hard on...


crowspark at 22:10 on 08 October 2004  Report this post
Hi Mac, a very dark and effective piece. I liked the way he spoke directly to the reader with the authority of someone who believes they are on the inside, in a controlling position.
Secrets and power.

Great stuff.
Bill

scoops at 14:55 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
This was my first 'random read' during a lunch break. What a treat. It's brilliant. Concise, clever and creepy. Shyama.


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