Enchanted
Posted: 30 September 2004 Word Count: 522 Summary: For the flash fiction challenge
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The house was impressive. A grey stone frontage studded with four majestic bay windows was overhung by an ornate gothic portico. Through each window lights shone, and the glass of the door gleamed like a jewel. The front steps swept down to the polished mahogany of the dining room table at just about the waist height of Anna-Maria Hurwitz, an unpleasant child with a pallid face and narrow lips.
Anna Maria leant forward and opened the front door of the dolls house with the tiny pin-sized door knob. Her fingers suddenly felt clumsy and fat as a giant’s, and for a moment she considered that she had the power to tear the door from its hinges. But she restrained herself and peered into the front hall. A maid was frozen in the act of carrying linen up the carpeted stairs, her tiny feet out of proportion with the fibres of the carpet. Anna Maria inserted a podgy hand into the front hall like a giant pink crab and plucked the maid from the stairs, scattering tiny sheets. Anna Maria fancied the maid had been given a deliberate expression of fear. She felt a thrill, and gave a little squeeze with her thumb and forefinger, crumpling the starch of the neat dress. The doll’s face appeared for a moment to crease as well, as if in pain. Anna Maria dropped the maid to the table and it hit the mahogany with a strangely heavy blow, landing skewed and unnatural. Anna Maria wondered what it was made of.
Behind a bright window a couple sat at the table of a gleaming dining room. The man wore a high collar and looked towards his dark-haired wife in her red dress. His wide-set eyes gave him a look of wearied disdain, while hers were bored. Anna Maria liked neither of them.
She grasped at the first figure her fingers found. Something responded from inside the room, a thin noise like the cry of a small animal. Anna Maria withdrew her hand quickly and examined the doll in the red dress that she held. Close up it was a badly painted thing, Anna Maria thought, for it looked like the face was screaming.
Dropping the wife beside the prone maid Anna Maria reached in again. Not finding the husband at the table she groped to the back of the room, her hand feeling its way sightless. She found him crouching behind the ornate settee, and this time the cry from the house was so loud it made her snatch back as if burnt. Stepping back she stared at the house, her eyes playing tricks so for a moment it looked like a real house, far away. Lights blazed in the windows and two figures lay splayed by the front steps. Anna Maria turned away.
The door into the room behind her opened and her grandfather stepped through. “Grandpapa, I would like to know how you made this house. I do not think I like it. It is enchanted.” The Grandfather let out a dry laugh. “Oh, it’s not that house that’s enchanted, my dear. Not that house.
Comments by other Members
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anisoara at 07:31 on 01 October 2004
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Oooooh, Milou! What a treat. And it's left so open-ended. The mystery remains!
To me the girl is a combination of the girl from The Secret Garden and Augustus Bloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, it's Roald Dahl-esque.
One thing, and it may just be me. At the beginning, I was puzzled and had to re-read the first paragraph because I did not understand it was a doll's house until the second paragraph. I What if it began "The doll's house was impressive." I read it fromthe perspective of someone who was looking at the house, so when the front steps swept down to the mahogany table, I thought that they went down from the front door, inside the house. Just an idea.
This is very good.
Ani
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crazylady at 08:28 on 01 October 2004
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Milou,
Wow this is masterful!
I held my breath reading it.
I understood immediately that it was a dolls house in the second para.
What an odious child!
Your description of how it felt handling the tiny things with fat fingers was lovely.
Just one small typo "two figure(s)lay slayed..... You missed off the s.
In my opinion, this story is deserving of Flash of the year, let alone flash of the week.
Signing off now, won't be online for a while
CL
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Anj at 09:29 on 01 October 2004
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Milou,
This was wonderful - I had the sense I was almost in the house watching this obnoxious child draw nearer. I really felt for the cowering husband.
Great stuff.
Take care
Andrea
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eyeball at 09:42 on 01 October 2004
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Hi Milou
Great description of the hideous child. The husband hiding behind the sofa and the expressions changing on the figures are very creepy. Nice bit of flash
Sharon
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Account Closed at 10:04 on 01 October 2004
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Milou, I loved the expressions on the faces. A doll's house is supposed to be so perfect but this one seemed to reflect reality. I too had to re-read the first para but thought it was clever. I thought AM was going to do something nasty to the figures as you'd described her as unpleasant. An idea, might to be to take that word out and let the reader discover her unpleasantness.
Elspeth
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DerekH at 10:34 on 01 October 2004
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Em, this is brilliant. I was going to pick out favourite bits but then realised I'd have to copy & paste the whole thing into the comment box.
Derek.
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Jubbly at 11:02 on 01 October 2004
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Wow Milou, so creepy and visual. I was drawn into the story and into the house open mouthed and gasping. Superb work. I loved the way you were left hanging at the end...is the grandfather a wicked wizard? Will Anna Marie soon join the dolls in a tiny bedroom of her very own? More, more please.
Best
Julie
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crowspark at 18:32 on 01 October 2004
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Wow again Milou, Your first paragraph is perfect. So is the rest.
A house within a house? And what is outside that house???
This is such a great introduction to Anna, "The front steps swept down to the polished mahogany of the dining room table at just about the waist height of Anna-Maria Hurwitz, an unpleasant child with a pallid face and narrow lips."
Well done.
Bill
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Milou at 20:49 on 01 October 2004
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Thanks for the comments everybody - very heartening!
In the first paragraph my intention was to make it sound like a real house before reavealing it's a dolls house, but I'm still a bit unsure if this works. As Ani said, it's a little confusing.
It's quite tempting to expand it as I'd quite like to find out which house is really enchanted too. :)
Em
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ShayBoston at 11:22 on 23 October 2004
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Hi Em,
Sorry I haven't got to this sooner. It is a fantastic piece of flash. Apart from the repetition of 'was' in the opening lines (I'd replace the second with a comma), I thought it was flawless.
Very mysterious ending and I think it would be an interesting challenge to develop this and discover exactly what the grandfather meant.
Cheers,
Shay
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