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Fireflies
Posted: 26 September 2004
Word Count: 202
Summary: firstish draft. Appreciate your critiques
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Fireflies
If I go
Will you think of me with love?
Will your heart be filled with regrets?
Or will you bury yourself in work
so that there is no space for feeling
loss rejection forgotten and why things are so.
If I stay
Will you think of me with love?
Will your heart be filled with regrets?
Or will you bury yourself in work
so that there is no space for feeling
loss rejection forgotten and why things are so.
When will we hold hands?
Sit on the porch watch the fireflies
Bright dots of glimmering shimmering
suspended among the darkness
A morse code of on-off dots winking
scintillating stars in the hedgerows
What are they searching for?
do you understand that like a trapped firefly
love looses its luminosity.
We never hold hands
I sit alone watch the fireflies
At twilight they float among the shadows
Hovering flames that light up the dark
Fluttering candles that burn bright
I grieve among the solitary flickering winged baubles
Its as if everything in the garden mourns
for a love that passed on.
Notes
I keep altering this one, if you are reading this I am probably altering it at the same time!
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 20:50 on 26 September 2004
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Gard, I love the repetition and the slight changes. This is lovely; I adore the last three lines.
joanie
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 Okkervil at 22:09 on 26 September 2004
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Lovely poem- not mopey, just poignant and like Joanie said- effective repetition. Oh, and the use of the word 'scintillating' was a bonus on account of it also being repeatedly in the Rolf Harris song 'The Court of King Caractacus,' so an all round winner really. And it's getting late and this is fuzzy bed-time reading.
Bye!
James
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miffle at 15:58 on 28 September 2004
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Fireweed, I like the material here very much but do not feel that the poem has found its form yet. I enjoyed the imagery of 'holding/ not holding hands' in the 3rd and 4th verses and found these the most powerful. For me the poem almost seemed to start with 'When will we hold hands?'... Fireflies: I've never seen them... especially liked the 'morse code' image. The question posed at the end of the 3rd verse is an interesting one. Enjoyed, nikki
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gard at 00:36 on 29 September 2004
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Hi Joanie Okkervil and Miffle
thanks. Not sure of the song you mean Okkervil. Miffle taken on board your comments, but I prefer my name ha ha!
thanks will edit this piece in a day or two
G
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Okkervil at 20:25 on 29 September 2004
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It's alright, Gard. You probably aren't missing out.
'Ooooooohhh, the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces of the ladies of the harum of the court of King Caractacus, were just passing byyyyyyy' And so on add other verses ad infinitum.
Still a lovely poem!
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 Brian Aird at 21:41 on 29 September 2004
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I actually like the first two verses. They work on their own as a short poem in it's own right.
The rhythm of the last two verses was out of kilter with the first two, but the imagery was great.
The language you use to describe the fireflies is very descriptive and beautiful, but they can distract from the simple emotion you really want us to feel; just as a firefly's light can die, so can love.
I assume the light blinks as they move in front of each other or they flit behind branches. Or does their light really blink?
I felt that 'morse code of on-off dots winking' wasn't linked to the hopelessness of love that seems to be your theme, although 'on-off' does link with the alternation of 'If I go - If I stay'.
I also felt that the line 'I grieve among the solitary flickering winged baubles' fails to link grief with fireflies except for the word solitary. 'Flickering winged baubles' sounds nice, but doesn't carry on the idea of grief, or lost love.
Using the idea of the trapped light of a firefly and the 'flame' of love going out has potential though!
I look forward to the next version..
Brian
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Anj at 14:06 on 30 September 2004
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I liked the repetition of the first two verses - captured the stalemate really well. Also, "Bright dots of glimmering shimmering suspended among the darkness A morse code of on-off dots winking scintillating stars", but after that for me that verse doesn't quite work for me. I didn't feel the question was put as sharply as it could have been.
Take care
Andrea
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Lawrenco at 00:05 on 01 October 2004
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I enjoyed the poem the first two stanzas the repeating gave it a dramatic effect that would be good for performance work.Really sympathetic poem.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 16:41 on 03 March 2005
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Hi Gina,
Very late as this came up on Random Read. Enjoyed it greatly, but if you are still reworking it...
Have you considered putting the first 2 verses by and starting the poem at verse 3? The first 2 set the scene, but 3 & 4 are the real meat of your feelings.
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gard at 18:23 on 03 March 2005
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Hi Paul53 (FIAH)
yes good idea!
thanks for the suggestion
G
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