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Willow Ward
Posted: 05 June 2003
Word Count: 54
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Precious fragile jangling nerves,
arms that bleed and mouths that curse.
Medicines and empty rooms,
hearts lay dead, brim full with gloom.
Inhale, exhale, blue hazy daze,
coughing choking beneath the waves.
The waves of depression, swooping down,
the drips of nicotine forming brown.
The people sit, empty faced
glassy eyes stare into space.
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Comments by other Members
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 poemsgalore at 18:58 on 05 June 2003
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This is a very dark poem pene, but flows beautifully. May I suggest you change the last line to "glassy eyes stare into space" as this flows better in my opinion. Everything else is so fluid and lovely to read.
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olebut at 21:03 on 05 June 2003
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pene yes spot on again so much in so few words
take care david
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pene at 15:23 on 07 June 2003
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thankyou both for your kind comments, poemsgalore I note what you said but feel that I should leave it as it is, this is more due to the sentimental value of the poem for me personally. I actually wrote it 8 years ago whilst incarcerated in Willow Ward, it feels like a piece of my history.
take care
Pene
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pene at 17:48 on 05 July 2003
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poems galore I have just read your comment again and wanted to say I think you are right and I am changing as suggested. apologies for what with hindsight appears a litle curt? I am afraid I suffer bipolar affective disorder and dependant on where my mood state is i can sometimes get things a bit wrong, I think I misunderstood that you were not actually suggesting a change in meaning, simply a grammatical or poetical improvement! oops sorry :-(
and thankyou for commenting
best wishes Pene
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paul53 [for I am he] at 14:33 on 08 March 2005
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Comment nearly 2 years late, but Random Reads gets there eventually. A very brave poem.
Finer points:
line 4 "hearts lay dead, brimmed full with gloom" or "brim full of gloom";
line 5 "Inhale, exhale, blue hazed daze";
Waves is repeated, so "The tides/The rolls/Surges of depression, swooping down".
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