At the end of the rainbow and your rope
Posted: 17 September 2004
Word Count: 149
Summary: This is what I wrote the day before yesterday
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I break both our mirrors
Spinning a web for myself
So I can cry alone
In my obnoxious self-pity
Waiting for you, for us, for it.
My glass only half empties yours,
Leaving reminders of me
The dregs of an image
I bought, but is sold in front of you.
The links in a chain I sought to sever
Waiting castrated on the sidelines,
The back burner
As a black hole of my own making
Opens arms to welcome me in
And then betrays me with a kiss.
Half-lit fears become stone reality,
Making my knuckles bleed.
Wake up to your own inadequacy
Before it is brutally forced upon you
And your eternal demons, laughing behind their hands
Come and wrest you from this indecision.
But I wave away these mewing imagined fears,
Delusions that surfaced in the shadow of beauty.
I will always be yours, and yours alone.
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Comments by other Members
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 Bobo at 10:34 on 18 September 2004
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Andy - some terrifying and siturbing imagery here - as though this nightmare is all-consuming in both waking and sleeping moments. Your vulnerability also shouts through the words.
At first, I wasn't sure about the shifting in tense throughout, though on a re-read this seemed to sit well with the internal thought processes of paranoia. However, in the first verse I would change 'So I can cry alone In my obnoxious self-pity' to 'So I could cry alone In my obnoxious self-pity' - but only a very minor point which is just be being typically pedantic (!).
Powerful writing.
BoBo x
<Added>
...that should have been 'disturbing'...still half asleep it would seem!
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itcametomeinadream at 10:53 on 18 September 2004
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Hi Bobo,
Re: can/can't - I confess I'm not sure which one I should be using, because it depends on how you read the first line. 'Could' seems more 'right' now you've pointed it out, but I kinda like the sound of 'can' more. I'm probably just being stubborn ;)
It's certainly a slightly uncomfortable piece for me, not a side of me I'm especially willing to share, although I guess that's the side of me that often comes out when I write.
Anyway, thanks for the comment :)
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Bobo at 11:52 on 18 September 2004
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Hi Andy - actually, I think you probably should retain 'can', but maybe change
'I broke both our mirrors' to 'I break both our mirrors'...this has more of an immediacy which delivers a more powerful opening line I think...again, just my opinion.
I think 'uncomfortable' pieces are generally the most emotive to read and so the most effective...such writing has an 'edge' which happy fluffy pieces just don't / can't have.
B x
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laurafraser at 12:22 on 18 September 2004
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"mewing imangined images" very potent imagery, as well as "waiting castrated on the sidelines"
i like the way the imagery gets stronger,taking the poem to it's definite end, it starts quite simply, painting an image of deep emotional pain and then dives to the depths of that pain-i agree with bobo about "i break both our mirrors" it brings it to the present and incites the readers (want to say sympathy, but seems wrong word, soory head gone!)...mean to say that it makes the reader care more about what the narrator has to say
haunting poem, brilliant
laura x
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itcametomeinadream at 13:18 on 18 September 2004
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'Break' it is! I definitely agree that the present tense is better for the opening line.
Thanks again for the comments, and encouragement. Maybe I'll be in fluffy bunny mode soon ;)
Andy :)
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gard at 16:14 on 19 September 2004
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HI itcametome
I hope you are in fluffy bunny mode. I like many aspects of this piece; it is disturbing in tone and content in some places but so what, thats Art right? Dark and forboding especially the last line. I think if I were the recipient of this piece I might be a bit freaked out by it ha ha!
In the second stanza
the line
did not sit right with me I was thinking of actual leaves when I first read it and had to re-read a few times. But thats just me
I particularly liked
The links in a chain I sought to sever
Waiting castrated on the sidelines,
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strong image
G
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itcametomeinadream at 17:21 on 19 September 2004
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>>I hope you are in fluffy bunny mode.
Hehe, I guess I was joking about the bunny thing ;)
I changed 'leaves' based on your suggestion, it also fits well with the earlier change of tense withthe first line.
Manythanks forthe comment, and glad you thought it was worthwhile me writing it - I hear all the comments about disturbing etc. and I understand them - I posted this piece reluctantly, but thinking about it, I guess I always do.
Andy
:)
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Epona Love at 17:00 on 26 September 2004
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Hi Andy. I loved this... and I feel inclined to disagree with Gard in terms of being freeked out if I were the recipient of this... yes it is disturbing but it is so deeply heart felt and real, and the ending... that last line is perfect. Every line reaches me and speaks to me, and puts words to feelings that can seem impossible to express. But you express them vividly, and the result is very beautiful.
Emma x.
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gard at 00:41 on 29 September 2004
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Hi itcametome
just read your rewrite and yes its much improved!
G
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TheGodfather at 15:22 on 21 October 2004
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Superb line -- "And your eternal demons, laughing behind their hands" So clear, so imagistic. Wow! You have weaved some intricate images here, some unique word pictures. This was fresh and different, if not just because of the words you used.
TheGodfather
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Suggestions:
"then betrays me" --> then betray me
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Comments by other Members
