The Bubbling Mirror
Posted: 13 September 2004
Word Count: 170
Summary: I found this really hard. I ended up chopping the words down and down because I felt I was wasting them for the sake of it...hope it's not too short. It's late too, so this may look like nonesense when I read it back tomorrow...guess I shouldn't post 'til then..but I'm going to anyway :).
|
Font Size
|
|
The Bubbling Mirror
It is such a shame to see her smoking, nose in the air, as she rolls onto her side. She was so beautiful, so strong, so perfect. I thought nothing could stop her. That was then. She's not the same now. It was a long, hard fight, but I don't regret it. Once it was started we had to see it through. I didn't get away unscathed.
"She's still a beauty," says Cooky.
"She is that," says I.
In her last moments maybe she looks lovelier than ever; all aglow under the stars. Her shrinking reflection is dazzling, blinding, as she slowly disappears into the bubbling mirror. Now all that remains are flaming trinkets, bobbing beacons. They flicker like haunted candles, tiny spirits floating on the bottomless black. At least the blaze was warm. It's so cold now she has finally gone.
A blackened flag floats slowly by.
"Here's to us Cap'n," says Cooky with a toothless smile. He raises his flask, and we drift away.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 ShayBoston at 08:54 on 14 September 2004
 Report this post
|
Good work, Derek. Didn't quite guess the ending until 'Cap'n', though the clues were there 'thought nothing could stop her', 'bottomless black' ...
Nice one,
Shay
| |
Anj at 09:03 on 14 September 2004
Report this post
|
Derek,
I didn't quite get this until the end, so then I had to read it again, but when I did I found it incredibly visual and even (sniff) quite moving. Loved the way you picked out the tiny details that would make us really see it.
Great stuff
Andrea
| |
DerekH at 09:25 on 14 September 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Shay & Andrea, I'm glad you liked it.
I know what you mean about having to read twice to be able to visualise the scene Andrea, I did wonder if it was a mistake to write it that way.
Derek.
| |
scottwil at 13:34 on 14 September 2004
Report this post
|
Excellent, I did see it coming but that didn't spoil anything. There's a lovely economical style to it and the minimal dialogue speaks volumes. Very good indeed.
Forgive me, but I found 'unscarred' wrong. Scarring is something which occurs later; It's not an immediate effect - and this is a very immediate piece.
I'd have gone for 'unscathed'.
Best
Sion
|
|
| |
DerekH at 14:06 on 14 September 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Sion, You are absolutely right, and 'unscathed' fits much better.
Am I allowed to make changes before the challenge is over? If so I'm going to change that...
Derek.
| |
|
|
|
|
anisoara at 19:23 on 16 September 2004
Report this post
|
Derek,
I liked this. Very effective. I was starting to wonder if they'd done 'er in! Even after the 'Cap'n' I reread the 'flaming trinkets' bit, trying to be sure this was a boat and not a beautiful lady punished for going to ruin!
Ani
| |
DerekH at 19:40 on 16 September 2004
Report this post
|
:)..."done 'er in" I like it...
No, I wouldn't let nothin' 'appen to a lady...
Glad you liked it.
Derek.
| |
Milou at 23:18 on 16 September 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Derek,
I really loved this - as has been said, the language is economical but the scene is so vivid.
"Bubbling mirror", "flaming trinkets", "bobbing beacons" are all fantastic - it's like the funeral of an Egyptian queen!
I also liked your very effective use of dialogue. No one actually says much, but a lot is conveyed. ""She is that" Says I" is especially good, as the speaker's voice carries over into the narration with a real rhythm.
Brilliant.
Em.
| |
crazylady at 09:44 on 17 September 2004
Report this post
|
Well done Derek,
A well deserved win for Week 17. It made me think of the Indian burials, do they call it suttee? Not legal now so irrelevant.
Brilliant choice of words brought your descriptions alive.
Over to you for next week.
CL
| |
DerekH at 11:29 on 17 September 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Milou, CL & everyone, I'm loving being in this group even more now :)
Hope my beginners luck doesn't fade too fast...
Cheers,
Derek.
| |
 crowspark at 18:31 on 17 September 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Derek.
Congratulations on a terrific piece of flash.
I love this: "All aglow under the stars. Her shrinking reflection is dazzling, blinding, as she slowly disappears into the bubbling mirror. Now all that remains are flaming trinkets, bobbing beacons; they flicker like haunted candles, tiny spirits floating on the bottomless black."
Bill
| |
DerekH at 18:57 on 17 September 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Bill, I enjoyed writing that bit the most... I'm not so happy with the beginning.
Glad you liked it.
Derek.
| |
 Dee at 21:10 on 28 September 2004
Report this post
|
OK, Derek… you’ve drawn the short straw as far as the FF collection goes. I’m picky.
You need some punctuation:
"She's still a beauty" Says Cooky
"She is that" Says I
Should be:
"She's still a beauty," says Cooky.
"She is that," says I.
and again -
Now all that remains are flaming trinkets, bobbing beacons; they flicker like haunted candles, tiny spirits floating on the bottomless black.
Would have more impact as:
Now all that remains are flaming trinkets. Bobbing beacons flicker like haunted candles, tiny spirits floating on the bottomless black.
And
"Here's to us Cap'n" Says Cooky with a toothless smile; he raises his flask, and we drift away.
would be:
"Here's to us Cap'n," says Cooky with a toothless smile. He raises his flask, and we drift away.
Punctuation is such a subliminal thing and we all find it difficult. Get it right and no-one notices… but get it wrong and the world will be sending you outraged emails.
One common ‘fault’ with new writers is overuse of the semi-colon. As a punctuation fashion statement it is in serious decline so, when I started writing, I was on a mission to resurrect it. I used to love it. Now, three years on, I see why it’s off the most-popular list. With very few exceptions a comma or a full-stop can do the job with more effect.
These are just suggestions, Derek… although you must put some punctuation in the dialogue. It’s a great piece of flash.
Dee
x
| |
|
|
DerekH at 21:37 on 28 September 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Dee, I feel like I just got 'ten 'o the best' from the school teacher's cane...but I needed it.
My punctuation stinks...I'm working on it, but need all the help I can get.
Thanks for taking the time to go through it...I really appreciate it. I'm going to go through all my work soon to try to tidy punctuation up...any more advice welcome (I know you're busy... I'm going to try to fix it up myself, it wouldn't be fair to rely on you).
Thanks again,
Derek
<Added>
It's still smarting...there'll be a permanent mark...I know it ;)
| |
Dee at 21:40 on 28 September 2004
Report this post
|
Guys, guys! Keep it up… you’re doing my reputation no end of good!
;)xx
| |
|
|
DerekH at 22:49 on 28 September 2004
Report this post
|
It was Shay, Miss...honest ! He nicked me commas when I wasn't lookin'....
| |
DerekH at 16:44 on 29 September 2004
Report this post
|
Dee, Now with new punctionation. Hope it's an improvement.
Derek.
<Added>
punctionation? How the hell did I manage that...I really wish we could edit this stuff.
| |
bjlangley at 10:39 on 05 October 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Derek, I enjoyed this piece, didn't realise until towards the end that it was a boat.
I have a few suggestions for you to consider:
"She was so beautiful, so strong, so perfect, I thought nothing could stop her."
A full-stop after perfect? I thought this might give "I thought..." more emphasis?
I wasn't sure if you needed both 'dazzling' and 'blinding'. The two words together seemed to jar a little.
And being really petty (sorry) a full-stop is needed at the ends of the lines of dialogue and lower case 's' in says:
"She's still a beauty" says Cooky.
"She is that" says I.
One final question, how did he not get away unscathed?
All the best,
Ben
| |
DerekH at 11:46 on 05 October 2004
Report this post
|
Cheers Ben. Don't worry about being picky...I'm really happy for you to point out things like the full stops. Better you than someone reading it in print.
As for your final question...I suppose I put it in to try to hint at what had happened here. I'll let you decide what happened to the ship...I'm not sure if I made it clear enough...but maybe it's better a little bit open. Let me know what you think please Ben.
Thanks,
Derek.
| |
bjlangley at 12:11 on 05 October 2004
Report this post
|
Derek, I love being left with something to think about - or to fill in the exact details for myself (especially regarding appearances).
See, here I was also thinking about Cooky, and his toothlessness, (if that's not a word it should be) and whether this was a recent thing, an effect of being hit by a falling beam or something, and wondered if our narrator suffered in a similar way. It doesn't need answering, and I think it's fine as it is.
All the best,
Ben
| |
|
|
| |
Comments by other Members
