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Sing, Michael, Sing

by Mac 

Posted: 13 September 2004
Word Count: 187
Summary: Just thought I'd see what you thought of this as a vignette.


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Sing, Michael, sing. A dirt path; mainly mud, littered with stones. Dodge the puddles. The trees rush towards you. Leaves are five different colours. The woods a kaleidoscope spinning as you run; your heart a machine gun. You are twelve-years-old. They never, ever hear you when you cry at night. If you run then no one can hurt you and nothing can touch you. When you are older you will have to find a new way of running and a new means of keeping everything and everyone at a distance but you don't know this yet so you just run. There's a clearing coming up and you break through the forest's diaphragm into the exposed plain and push as hard as you can to cover the open ground. Legs pump like pistons and the metallic taste of blood fills your mouth. There is a kind of panic to this sort of running. You hit the other side and resume a more normal rhythm. In your mind the hits of the day play on a personal jukebox; songs will save your life, over and over. Just keep running.






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Comments by other Members



DerekH at 13:56 on 13 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Mac, I'm quite new to writing...and new to flash, so please take my comments with that in mind...

I was with you until the line "When you are older you will have to find a new way of running and a new means of keeping everything and everyone at a distance but you don't know this yet so you just run". This really threw me and cleared any forming images from my head, I'm not sure why but it seemed out of place. Also the tense, or point of view confused me towards the end.

I'm not commenting to pick faults though. I wanted to comment because I really like the setting, and the feeling of mental escape from running...and also because I love the idea of songs in his head as he runs; but I think it would be more poweful if you name a song (or songs) rather than say 'hits of the day'...just my opinion.

Derek.

ShayBoston at 20:35 on 13 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Mac,

Welcome back! The return of the mac! I really like this piece. I wondered about the title with so much running. 'You are twelve years old' stood out as being unusual, but I like the line. Also liked 'when you are older you will have to find a new way of running and a new way of keeping everything and everyone at a distance'. I thought this line was the key to the piece.

Shay


crowspark at 22:34 on 13 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Mac, this is great. Loved this, "The woods a kaleidoscope spinning as you run; your heart a machine gun". There is real dynamism in the piece. Michael bursts onto the page and we urge him on, acknowledging a survivor.
I found this particularly convincing,"There is a kind of panic to this sort of running. You hit the other side and resume a more normal rhythm." Reminds me of running as a kid.

I found a lot here in 187 words.

Bill

scottwil at 11:07 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
I agree, I think this is very good. Almost a poem. I especially like this: The woods a kaleidoscope spinning as you run; It's so visual, I know exactly what it means.

Best
Sion

mamma.africa at 19:19 on 18 September 2004  Report this post
Hello Mac....
I can feel the boys pain, the need to run and sing to forget... better, to avoid thinking!. Reminds me of Forrest Gump a little. The pace is fast and you feel the wind and the forest. Nice one, again!


Keep on writing love!

Mamma


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