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Dave

by DerekH 

Posted: 11 September 2004
Word Count: 188
Summary: Just a short piece. I'm not sure if you'd call it flash...I just wanted to write it...so I did :).


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Dave

He's an unapproachable type of fellow, a stern look about his face. As he takes a drink, his eyes scan the others with quiet contempt, watching them wander, uninvited, through his garden. He sits relaxed on his wooden chair, head back, confident. This place belongs to him. The sun hides behind a black cloud, and the fallen leaves are whipped up by a sudden gust. He strokes back his long hair, lets his eyelids drop, and enjoys the fresh wind. The others pass by quickly, clasping their coats tight shut. The rain is coming.

They say he's a lord, a wealthy man. His time is his own and he does as he pleases. A hundred different stories tell his tale; he has fought in wars, adventured in far away lands, sailed the seas, and squandered a fortune. The lines on his face map every path his old boots have beaten, and his impressive beard holds a thousand secrets. Only he knows the truth.

As the golden floor turns a murky brown, he slowly lifts his feet onto the wooden bed, and pulls the cardboard canopy over.






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Comments by other Members



ShayBoston at 17:30 on 11 September 2004  Report this post
Hey this is really good, Derek. I like the sudden ending, a nice twist.

One point; the quick repetition of tell / tale. Maybe you could change the first one to 'There's a hundred different versions of his life'. Just a suggestion.

Definitely a quality flash.

Shay


Dee at 18:01 on 11 September 2004  Report this post
Nice one, Derek. A clever reversal of the usual opinion.

Love his impressive beard holds a thousand secrets.

And the flashmeister likes it Ė so it canít be bad.

Dee
;)


Account Closed at 21:25 on 11 September 2004  Report this post
Good stuff, Derek,
Persnally I'd prefer you got rid of the second tell/tale:

'The lines on his face tell a sad tale of their own,'

especially the 'sad' as his description shows him to be almost superior to those who rush past him which is what makes him interesting.

Elspeth

DerekH at 13:19 on 12 September 2004  Report this post
Phew! What a relief. I was really scared about uploading this because I wrote it on the spur of the moment, without really stopping to think about it.

It's great to get positive comments and constructive criticism. I agree with you all about the "tell/tale" thing, and also about the sadness that maybe contradicts the rest of the description.

Flash is an area of writing that I didn't even know existed until I joined WW 2 weeks ago. I think it's the most interesting and challenging style, and I want to try and do some more.

Thanks again for the feedback. I'm off to do a little re-write.

Derek.


DerekH at 14:00 on 12 September 2004  Report this post
Now revised and updated to get rid of the repetition.

Derek.

Dee at 14:49 on 12 September 2004  Report this post
Derek, this is really impressive. I read the original version this morning but didnít get round to commenting. Now itís much improved.

A great piece of flash.

Dee.


DerekH at 15:27 on 12 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks Dee, Very kind of you to say. I'm glad you liked it.

I like the new version better too, I hadn't noticed the repetition etc until I got the feedback on here...great advice from everyone.


Derek.

DerekH at 18:10 on 12 September 2004  Report this post
I realised that "His eyes look at the others" sounded wrong...so changed to "scan the others"... does that seem better?

crowspark at 22:06 on 13 September 2004  Report this post
A fine piece of flash Derek. I like the way you have used the weather and love that last line.
Bill

DerekH at 00:06 on 14 September 2004  Report this post
Thank you Bill, It's very encouraging to get such great comments.

Derek.

anisoara at 20:14 on 14 September 2004  Report this post
I thought Dave was the impoverished lord of the manor until the very bitter end. (Well, maybe he is.) I'm reminded of this film I saw in the 1980s called ... ... called ... I can't remember what it's called, but the lead is played by David Carridine, and throughout the film he keeps talking about all these unbelievable things he's done, no one believes him, but inthe end you learn it's all true.

Ani



roger at 10:04 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
These 187 words say a hell of a lot; more than many full length novels. A piece to be really proud of. Great stuff.

DerekH at 11:18 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Thank you Roger, you've made me feel like having a go at writing another...

Derek.

scottwil at 11:42 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Very good Derek. I like this enormously and I think the last line is just beautifully delivered; very elegant and dignified. Lovely.

I did stumble over this line though: 'while they wander, uninvited, through his garden..' because I thought it referred to his eyes rather than the people.
Could be just me being dense though.

Best
Sion

DerekH at 12:10 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks Sion, yeah, when I first read it back to myself I wondered if it sounded like his eyes were wandering...then I read it again and thought it was OK...now I'm not sure.

I've already messed with that line before, it seems to be a sticky bit for me. I'm going to have a good think about what to do with it...thanks for pointing it out.

I'm glad you liked it.

Derek.

scottwil at 12:51 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Derek, can I suggest this: 'his eyes scan trespassers with quiet contempt as they wander, uninvited, through his garden.'?

Words like trespassers or interlopers make a more direct connection to the word uninvited and so (in my humble opinion) helpt to clarify the subject of the sentence.

Blimey, does that make sense?

Best
Sion

DerekH at 13:05 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks for the help Sion, If possible I want to keep "the others". I've edited it and uploaded....it'd be great to know what you think...

Cheers,

Derek.

scottwil at 13:09 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Ah yes, that's it. That works for me without interrupting the flow.

Best
Sion

DerekH at 13:12 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Cool...thanks so much for the help Sion.

Derek.

nudgy at 11:34 on 16 September 2004  Report this post
Good piece of short Derek, I was drawn to it by the name. Have we met?

Dave

DerekH at 12:28 on 16 September 2004  Report this post
Cheers Dave, I'm glad you liked Dave. I'm not sure if we've met... you don't live on a park bench do you? (it would have to be a posh park bench if you've got internet acess :))

Derek.

nudgy at 12:33 on 16 September 2004  Report this post
I lived in me car once - does that count?

D

DerekH at 12:53 on 16 September 2004  Report this post
Sorry Dave, but no, If you lived in your carpet...that would count.

Derek.



bjlangley at 14:08 on 16 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Derek, I enjoyed this, and thought the last sentence was very effective. For a very small second, when you mentioned 'his garden' I feared he was going to be a garden gnome! Glad he wasn't.

Regards

Ben

Anj at 10:32 on 18 September 2004  Report this post
Like your piece about the ship, there's something magical mystical about this. Love the way you communicate he's stories to tell.

Great stuff.

Andrea

DerekH at 12:09 on 18 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks Ben, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Derek

DerekH at 12:13 on 18 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks Andrea, I'm glad you liked it. I hadn't intended to make it magical or mystical, but I'm really happy if it comes across that way.

Derek.

Dee at 05:49 on 02 October 2004  Report this post

Derek, Iíve read this again and think itís just about word-perfect now. I particularly like that new line about his face map.

Definitely one for the collection.

Dee
x


DerekH at 11:34 on 02 October 2004  Report this post
Cheers, Dee. Yep, I like this one...

Ta,

Derek.


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