Login   Sign Up 



 

One night stand

by Sam Rix 

Posted: 08 September 2004
Word Count: 382
Summary: a cruel little number, I revisted after rushing to post it... Hope the changes work?


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


One night stand

‘Trickle little tear, escape while you can…’ breathed the close voice, raptly watching the bead of moisture run from an eye, to course over the cheek, then pool in the ear cavity.
“ See even you can’t escape me,” The whisper continued, as a delicate finger followed the liquid path.

The dank curtains blocked all but the thinnest sliver of light deliberately arranged over her prey. The carpet he lay on in this squalid hotel room was pitted and stained from years of clandestine sexual rendezvous, host to smells and textures long degenerated by time.
Sitting on his chest and leaning forward to see the face, to watch the spark of life go out, invoked a shudder of expectant pleasure from her.

Still under the grip of the drug, limbs useless, mind fully lucid, the victim was as malleable as plasticine. Now that playtime was almost over, as the perfect playmate, he was for filling his final terrified role,
The wicked blade was danced into view, The knife was placed teasingly under one eye, then skipped over to the other, back and forth, mesmerising those petrified orbs like a macabre pendulum.
She paid attention to all of his features, delicately pricking them all in turn, but not ruining them. His lips, ears, nose and his cheeks displayed minute red dewdrops flourishing upon a pale canvass.

The blade slid from view and began its invasion. His mouth began to work, lips contorting, accompanying eyes straining in effort and pain, a wet gurgling issued as he fought to breathe. Red bubbles formed around the knife imbedded in the trachea, the crimson foaming trailed around the neck and began to pool below.
As one heart beat began to slow, the other increased in tempo, adrenaline surging to the thrill of obliteration. She watched the pupils dilate, felt the last heartbeats falter, as she forced her tongue into his bloody mouth, breathing a depraved groan of satisfaction as her latest kill expired.

She rose from the cooling man, retrieving clean panties from her small bag, placing them over his open eyes, before removing the latex gloves and storing them the same bag.
She turned at the door, looked back once, blew a kiss and left her latest one night stand to lie in.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Account Closed at 14:21 on 08 September 2004  Report this post

Oh if it's cruel I'll like it. And I liked it! I needed to read something like this today.

Chilling first line. Liked how you phrased it. Plenty of menace. Great pace. Edge of my seat. Disturbing.

The blade dancing into view was scarily surreal, but worked.

'As one heart beat began to slow, the other increased in tempo, adrenaline surging to the thrill of obliteration.' - that's really classy stuff, as is the whole story.

Great stuff again, Sam.

Ste

roger at 15:22 on 08 September 2004  Report this post
Blimey, Steve....motto - there's no such thing as safe sex. This frightened me to death! Horrible! But as Ste says, chilling first line then things just got chillier and chillier. Favourite line? - minute red dewdrops flourishing upon a pale canvass. And, the 'lie in' joke at the end was great.

A couple of spotted typos -

para 3 sentence starting 'Now'...have another read, to me, it didn't quite make sense. Filling? And you've finished the sentence with a comma rather than a full stop.

The wicked blade was danced into view, --- a spare 'was'? And, again, a comma rather than a full stop after 'view'.

She paid attention to all of his features, delicately pricking them all in turn --- doesn't need the second 'all'

His lips, ears, nose and his cheeks --- doesn't need the second 'his'

Just minor details, probably due to cutting and adding during your revisit.

Frightening stuff, beatifully told. Great.

Nik Perring at 15:33 on 08 September 2004  Report this post
Good story Sam. I too liked the heart comparisons; and the dancing blade bit. Very tense and very cruel.

Couple of typos I noticed:

"the perfect playmate, he was for filling his final terrified role,"
Do you mean fulfilling? Also there should be a full-stop at the end of the sentance, not a comma.

You've also used heart beats, and heartbeats. Heartbeats is right, I think!?

Good story though. keep up the good work.
Cheers,
Nik


haunted at 21:47 on 08 September 2004  Report this post
Nice story, Sam.

I didn't read this before the changes, but i think this is good. I couldn't help wanting to know a little more though. I would have quite liked to see her working her charms this one night stand and experience the moment he realises what she's going to do to him.

I'm a little perverted, i think.

Thanks for the read,

Louise

syorkslad26 at 23:43 on 09 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam,

Loved the story. Have you ever seen a film called Audition. It's very similar to your story. The only difference is you get to see the torture unfold in graphic gory detail. I have to admit that the lack of a "payoff", so to speak, is just as effective.

I agree with Louise above, it leaves you thirsty for more, and asking one or two questions. Why does she put the panties over his eyes, does it give her perverse pleasure? What had she being doing to him beforehand? Was it a slow and agonisingly painful death, or dare i say it, was it like the sex that she promised him, short and sweet? What were her other methods of torture? These questions don't necessarily need to be answered, and quite honestly I don't want them to be, it would only spoil it for me.

It leaves a lot to the readers imagination. I often find this to be a lot scarier than if you're actually shown what is happening. I much prefer the build up of tension rather than the sudden scare. It always makes me feel cheated. And this is what you do, you give virtually nothing away, and yet you go through every agonising second with this poor man. Good use of both perspectives too. It's initially his story then reverts to hers. You get a mixture of both the pleasure and the pain. Very good. Enjoyed it a lot. Look forward to reading some of more of your stuff.

Syorkslad26

Becca at 08:02 on 11 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam, I'm with Louise on wanting the bit that comes before the torture scene. This is a good and poetic descriptive piece right enough, although as you know, in appalling taste! Storywise there's not a lot in it, it reads like an extract from something much longer.
It sounds like retribution for all the women murdered by men on a daily basis and far worse than the serial killer woman Wurnos? I can't remember how you spell her name.
Becca.

alex_d at 21:19 on 11 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam

This was excellent: cruel and graphic, just what the doctor ordered!

I think the lack of back story has a positive effect on the scene. Knowing he was drugged allows the reader to imagine the previous events and keeps the story nice and short, just like a one night stand ;)

I like that the knife is the actor in most of the sentences, and how she seems to do her work almost lovingly, not the usual hack and slash.

Look forward to reading more of your work!

Jen

Bianca at 15:04 on 15 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam

Just came across this piece after commenting on your synopsis.

Very chilling this. Each paragraph made me shudder. To think, it only used to be us females who wandered what we might be letting ourselves in for!

Well done

Shirley

crowspark at 13:52 on 19 September 2004  Report this post
Sam, the opening is perfect. Her power over him is demonstrated as complete. And then it just gets better.

Sublime.

Bill

Account Closed at 16:54 on 22 September 2004  Report this post
This is a very well writen piece Sam and thrilling. The goriness works in a poetic way which I love.

I thought the line 'The wicked blade was danced into view' would maybe work better without the 'was'. And I'd be careful about the tense of 'this room' - remember it is past tense.

Overall though, very good. An exciting and squeamish read.

JB






To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .