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RLG9 - A breath of fresh air

by Sam Rix 

Posted: 06 September 2004
Word Count: 790
Summary: A short piece for RLG9


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RLG9 - A breath of fresh air


Nobody was shocked to discover that Annabelle’s parents were murderers, all of us kids knew it.
But what do you expect when the whole neighbourhood kept losing animals and family members over the years, when only Annabelle’s kin seemed to escape the shadow of death, it just took us all a while to realise it.

For ten years, as I grew up all I heard were whispers of people vanishing without a trace. As boys we’d sit on a porch in the evening sipping our cokes’ and talk about the recently missing person and then one of us would remind the gang ‘what about Danny Williams, who lived close to there, an’ he vanished five years before!’

No one was ever found, it was as if people just up and went, got on a bus or were taken by flying saucers. We boys truly believed that aliens were responsible for some of the disappearances, we even thought we saw strange lights in the sky sometimes.
Would you believe it, they sent a News Crew round to try and film a sighting, but we never seemed to get the strange lights with all that commotion going on.

As we got older, and began to mix with the adult members of my neighbourhood, we all began to hear more of the missing people, with our growing awareness, we all began to notice which families had escape the bogeyman.
I was one of the lucky ones, both of my sisters, my mum and my dad were all still very much around and active in my life. Only two of our crew of eight boys also had losses, the rest of us were constantly watchful for the next disappearance.

About a year later one of my gang lost his dad, Bing’s father like all the rest went out one evening for ‘a breath of fresh air’ and didn’t come back. Bing was really upset and as a group we tried to console him, but what do young boys know of helping someone grieve and what to say at the right times.
It felt as if suddenly our little gang was being targeted, only two boys from the eight had complete families, Johnny and me. We were terrified and spent the nights watching from our windows to try and spy the culprit, hoping to prevent another one of our loved ones going missing.

Four weeks later we moved out of Charity Valley, we move clean over the other side of the county. My father had decided he wasn’t going to wait around for one of his family to disappear and a little while after that the exodus began in earnest.
No one from Charity Valley moved close to one of their old neighbours, it was as if everyone was suspicious of those from the Valley, no one quite knew what had happened to all those missing people, and that didn’t rule out any one from being the cause.

It seemed we all kept tabs on the goings on in Charity Valley, all the kids were morbidly tied to the mystery of the neighbourhood. I know my mother and father kept a healthy awareness of our old valley, but they tried to move on and make our world normal again.

With all the locals moving away, only Annabelle’s family remained in Charity Valley, steadfast and alone. Later other families began to move into the empty houses, Charity Valley began to bustle again.
Over the next few years it started again, people began to disappear and the FBI were called in, every one from the Valley was interviewed, the FBI came to our house and asked my Ma and Pa about the Valley.

Two weeks later it was all over the news, almost a hundred bodies were found, Charity Valley was an old community, built beside a cliff and cave, it turns out that the whole place was built over a network of caverns, crevasses and a huge natural gas pocket.
What the FBI say is that the pocket of gas was poisonous and sometimes it vented through a crack near some of the crevasses, people got caught in the gas release, suffocated and fell into the crevasses.

Some years later the local sheriff caught Annabelle’s parents pushing a body into a crevasse…
Apparently Annabelle’s parents went for late night walks, they’d meet one of their neighbours while out walking and take them to where the gas vented, then push the body into the crevasse.
When asked why, Annabelle’s parents stated that Charity Valley was on a land claim owned by their great great great grand father, that the land was theirs and every one living there was a trespasser.








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Comments by other Members



haunted at 23:40 on 06 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam,

Wow, i think this is the biggest death toll yet.

It's a creepy thought that so many people could disappear like that. I guess it could, and probably has, happened though.

I won't be going out for a 'breath of fresh air' for a while.

Louise

Jumbo at 16:40 on 07 September 2004  Report this post
Nice story, Sam.

It has a real American feel to it - just the odd turn of phrase, nothing too specific; but I knew (I know) that your little community was located somewhere out in the mid-west of America. (At least I think so!)

Charity Valley - a great name for such a deadly place!

And a great closing line - explaining the motives behnd the murders.

Welcome aboard the RLG train!

All the best

jumbo

Sam Rix at 12:59 on 08 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Louise,
Thanks for the input, yeah, one of those quiet little towns, where something crawls under the surface...

Jumbo,
ta for the interest, yes, I was hankering towards a 'lil ol mid wes' town, glad it came across that way.

Charity Valley, a nice inversion of the true state of this small community

Thanks for the welcome


Sam


Becca at 21:01 on 10 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam, I thought I'd comment as I read, and it means the way it can be crited is different from the usual.
The very first image that came to mind was a bunch of kids sitting on the stoop, (verandah), thinking about spooky things. I liked the idea of that.
It's a funny expression: 'one of us would remind', but I don't dismiss it out of hand.

'.. we never did get the strange lights..' do you mean the strange lights never came back with all that commotion around? (I don't dismiss that phraseology either, though).

Typo: 'About a year later (my)one of my gang...'
'some one' would read better as 'someone.'

At 'It was as if our little gang was being targetted..' I'm seeing an eclipsing of language and wondering what you think about it yourself? You have: '.. hoping to thwart one of our loved ones going missing.' It comes across as a
concertina-ing of language where the meaning is clear, but the, maybe, straightforwardness about language is missing. Hoping to prevent another one of our loved ones going missing, I reckon would say it better, but I'm still very much in the story.

Typo: 'No one form, (from), Charity Valley...'
'All the kids(were) morbidly tied...'

Sam, you also concertina the story itself at 'Annabelle's family remained in Charity Valley,..' I know this is an exercise, so it might be that the same level of crit as if you wanted to be published as a short story writer is not appropriate, but I think you could tell this story with a deal more attention to the spookiness of the whole event. In short story writing it's difficult to span a large amount of time, but possible if it's necessary in the telling of the story. I loved the idea of how you approached the idea of 'a breath of fresh air', and hope that out it comes a really good story. You have a unjarring way of writing that is really readable and I'd like to read more of your work and feel the big commitment in there.
Becca. (Hard as Nails).

Sam Rix at 00:54 on 11 September 2004  Report this post


Hi Becca,

I appreciate all your valuable comments and points, it’s the best way for me to learn and I will revisit this piece for a clean up!

I tried to capture the naivety of young boys and also flavour the piece with some of their bad grammar, the typo's are mine!
I see what you mean about the restriction on the development of Annabelle’s family role in this piece, I normally write longer pieces, which seem to restrict unloading and interest from people when so long. So I was trying for some flash fiction in this case, I’d have preferred to expand the story more.

I’ll post something else later for you to have a peek at, there’s a few pieces in my archive if you’re interested, pretty varied and all needing a good kick into touch! (Seriously though, if anything takes your fancy there, please let me know what you think.)

Hard as nails huh, keep it up Becca, I could use all the advice I’m given to get there.

Love and luck

Sam


SamMorris at 11:16 on 17 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam,

Welcome to RLG, this is a great tale. I like the sense of mystery, and the disappearances as a constant background theme through the narrator’s childhood. There is easily enough in this idea to fill a book, or expand this story.

Nice one.

Sam


Zigeroon at 19:40 on 20 September 2004  Report this post

Sam

Interesting tale. It was looking innocent there for a while, natural gas and all that; nice twist.

Andrew

Nell at 13:20 on 25 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam,

You've really dropped the reader right there in small town America, both with your narrator's voice and the whole feel of the piece. Clever. Good title, neat story, easy to read too. This is one of those stories where, due to the given first line there's not too much to reveal at the end - we know from the beginning that Annabelle's parents were murderers, we read on to find out why, yet the story hangs well together, the explanation satisfies. I did feel that the last para wrapped it all up too quickly - personally I'd have liked that shown - a good opportunity for some scary descriptive passages.

Re. the writing, I feel that some adjustment of the punctuation would just add that final polish - specifics below:

Commas needed after '...as I grew up...' '...missing person...' '...remind the gang...' in para 2.

In para 4 maybe replace the comma after '...missing people...' with 'and'.

Para 5 - full stop after '...lost his dad...' better than a comma IMO, and a question mark after '...at the right times...'

Para 9 - a full stop after '...a hundred bodies were found...'

Typos: 'cokes'' (Cokes)

News Crew (news crew)

In para 4 you've a repetition of '...we all began...' and '...had escape...' should be ...had escaped...

Good story - scope for development too.

Nell.


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