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One night stand

by Sam Rix 

Posted: 01 September 2004
Word Count: 361
Summary: I tend to write in an over blown way, so I set myself a task to write some flash fiction with a short scene and try to give a full image, as I've seen some of the crew do so well on WW. please indulge and give me your thoughts. Sam


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"Trickle little tear, escape while you can…" breathed the close voice, raptly watching the bead of moisture run from an eye, to course over the cheek, then pool in the ear cavity.<br>
“ See even you can’t escape me.” The whisper continued, as a delicate finger followed the liquid path.<br>
<br>
The dank curtains blocked all but the thinnest slither of light deliberately arranged over her prey. The carpet he lay on in this squalid hotel room was pitted and stained from years of clandestine sexual rendezvous, host to smells and textures long degenerated by time.<br>
Sitting on his chest and leaning forward to see the face, to watch the spark of life go out, invoked a shudder of expectant pleasure from her.<br>
<br>
Still under the grip of the drug, limbs useless, mind fully lucid, the victim was as malleable as plasticine. The perfect playmate was where he was required, now playtime was almost over, as the wicked blade was danced into view, placed teasingly under one eye, then skipped over to the other, back and forth.<br>
Attention to all of his features, his lips, the ears, the nose, all were delicately pricked, but not ruined. Minute red dewdrops flourished upon a pale canvass. The blade slid from view and began its invasion.<br>
His mouth began to work, lips contorting, accompanying eyes straining in effort and pain, a wet gurgling issued as he fought to breath. Red bubbles formed around the knife imbedded in the trachea, the crimson foaming trailed around the neck and began to pool below.<br>
As one heart beat began to slow, the other increased in tempo, adrenaline surged to the thrill of obliteration. She watched the pupils dilate, felt the last heartbeats falter, as she forced her tongue into his bloody mouth, groaning with the demise of her latest kill. <br>
<br>
She rose from the cooling man, retrieving clean panties from her small bag, placing them over his open eyes, before removing the latex gloves and storing them the same bag. <br>
She turned at the door, looked back once, blew a kiss and left her latest one night stand to lay in.<br>






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Comments by other Members



Nell at 19:42 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Sam, this is horrible! I guess though that that was your intention. Something has gone slightly wrong with the formatting; I can see some html but it doesn't interfere with the reading of the piece.

I noticed a few typos and sentences that could do with some adjustment to make this a smooth read, eg. The perfect playmate was where he was required, now playtime was almost over, as the wicked blade was danced into view, placed teasingly under one eye, then skipped over to the other, back and forth. Perhaps: Playtime was almost over but he was still required to be the perfect playmate... or something similar.

The following: Attention to all of his features, his lips, the ears, the nose, all were delicately pricked, but not ruined. This sentence isn't quite coherent - perhaps: She paid attention to all of his features; his lips and ears, his nose; all were delicately pricked but not ruined.

...groaning with the demise of her latest kill... seems peculiar, maybe ...groaning as her latest victim expired... - just a suggestion.

“ See even you can’t escape me.” The whisper continued... comma after 'me' needed rather than a full stop.

slither is a verb, 'sliver'?

invoked (evoked would be more appropriate)

...fought to breath... (breathe)

...her latest one night stand to lay in... (to lie in)

Sam you have some good descriptions here, but I find the subject matter a little too uncomfortable to dwell on, so forgive me if I don't pick them out. I sense that you get carried away by the writing, which is fine, but it's worthwhile going through a piece a number of times, reading it aloud and even putting it away for a while, after which you'll see more clearly what needs to be done.

Nell.


Sam Rix at 09:47 on 06 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Nell,

It looks like a total cock up on this one,
I've got the piece uploaded twice, plus the formating problem!
I'll delete and repost later.

I take on board your points I should have seen them and yes, you guessed right, I wrote this and posted rather quickly, so leasson learned.

Thanks for your input and help

love and luck
Sam


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