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Not much longer

by joanie 

Posted: 01 September 2004
Word Count: 128
Summary: A response to the exercise in Poetry seminar


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Those roads look lethal in the street lights' glare;
they'll have to watch it 'til the gritter’s been.
It's bitter cold this time of year out there
and it’s a bugger keeping white coats clean.
The bells! It's force of habit, hard to break;
for forty years my clock's gone off at four.
It makes no difference, though, I always wake
at three o'clock, just like I did before.
A mug of tea will warm me up - I'll try
to brew up just the one today. The moon
is bright; I want to tell her - don’t know why
I can’t let go. I hope I'll join her soon..
No milk! They never come before eleven –
I bet they'll all be glad of me in heaven!








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Comments by other Members



Fearless at 13:29 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Joanie

A different voice to the others you have used. Busy, a tad fussy, but caring nonetheless. Why not stretch it to a full-blown monologue and show us what your writing is truly capable of? Go on, stretch it Joan.

Write on, Fearless

joanie at 13:42 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Thank you Fearless; this will have to stand for the purposes of the exercise, but I might just do that!
joanie


Nell at 14:13 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Joanie, that's brilliant - he's an ex-milkman! I love it - there's so much that tells of his life by cleverly showing - even to missing his wife, hoping he'll join her soon and his little joke at the end. Great stuff, you've risen to the challenge of this exercise with thought, craft and wit.

Nell.

joanie at 14:42 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Thank you, Nell! I'm glad it wasn't too obscure - I hope it wasn't too obvious. Thank you for passing on the exercise; I enjoyed it.
joanie

Nell at 15:32 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Joanie, neither obvious nor obscure - just right. Try and think of a poet for next week.

Nell.

olebut at 17:01 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Joanie the sadness of retirement and lonliness brought vividly to our attention good imagery and a great deal of emotion and a degree of pathos

take care

david x

joanie at 18:09 on 01 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks, David. Much appreciated, as ever,
joanie

roovacrag at 21:32 on 02 September 2004  Report this post
Joan, we all think when we retire we can stay in bed. Still up at 6am and can't kick the habit. Walk several miles before 9am then the day starts.
excellent poem.

xx Alice

joanie at 21:48 on 02 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks, Alice! I LONG for retirement! A walk before 9am sounds wonderful.
joanie

MasterRevelation at 09:21 on 04 September 2004  Report this post
well, I enjoyed that - the pathos and the humour counterbalanced

Nell - keep suggesting these exercises they seem to stimulate us into action!

joanie at 15:27 on 04 September 2004  Report this post
Thanks, MR. Yes, the exercises certainly get the creative juices flowing! Glad you enjoyed it.
joanie

lieslj at 08:35 on 05 September 2004  Report this post
What a charming beginning. I really liked the first eight lines, which to my eye were the strongest.

One of the most interesting things about exercises is the unexpected twists and turns that emerge in response to the prompt. This is a clever piece with a witty appeal. My sense is that at some stage one must leave the constraints of the original prompt behind and allow the shining core to emerge into its fullest potential.

I tend to get stuck on obeying the limitations of the exercise which served to get me going.

I like the gentle intimate tone of this work.

Warm regards
Liesl

joanie at 21:35 on 05 September 2004  Report this post
liesl, thanks for your response. I have to admit that when I'm trying to follow the constraints of an exercise, I follow them to the letter!

Thank you again for your comments.

joanie

gard at 01:40 on 07 September 2004  Report this post
Hi Joanie

all of the above plus nice tightly written piece. I agree with L there is an intimate tone in this piece that makes you feel as if you are in the room with the person. Kinda sad too...

nice one

G

joanie at 06:59 on 08 September 2004  Report this post
gard, thank you for your response. Glad you liked it.
joanie

Mac AM at 10:00 on 17 September 2004  Report this post
I have to admit I’m not a lover of Sonnets and having been forced to write one in a class, parodied Barrett-Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese. But I digress.

I liked the use of subtle humour. I found Quasimodo in the alarm clock bells, though that could just be me! I like that he tells the reader about the things only an early riser sees – the gritter, the black ice.

The turn is quite well done, showing the longing to be rejoined with her. And I liked that it end on an upbeat note – revealing his knowledge and his job.

Mac


joanie at 13:20 on 17 September 2004  Report this post
Mac, thanks for the response. I am a lover of sonnets!

joanie


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