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Ocean View

by pene 

Posted: 31 May 2003
Word Count: 123


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Waist deep in cold breaking surf
She feels the sun's warmth
baking her soft skin.
Children's excited squeals
assault her ears
as they frolic at the waters edge.
Black suited surfers poise
bobbing boards awaiting
the perfect breaking wave.
Beach gods strut, exhibitionist
flexing toned muscle
as lithe beauties annoint themselves
with amber coloured oil,
and seagulls shriek to mate.
Clean yellow sand transforms
to a counterpane of patchwork
as the day's territories establish.
Fishing boats turn repetitive circles
in flat calm blue water
seeking the elusive days catch,
As small ferrys transport
red faced, sun greedy tourists
across the busy bay.
No one notices, when turning
she dives and with a powerfull
flick of her tail is gone
disappearing beneath the waves.






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Comments by other Members



llydstp at 11:49 on 31 May 2003  Report this post
A nice twist in the "Tail" - a mermaid I presume?
Clever.
Steve

pene at 12:07 on 31 May 2003  Report this post
Thanks Steve
wrote this on the beach yesterday, it didnt start off as a mermaid just somehow ended up that way.
Pene

olebut at 12:44 on 31 May 2003  Report this post
pene a whole day in 124 words you weave a magical gentle but busy scene very enjoyable

question why in line 8 the word "bound" does it need to be there?

but a nice poem

Lisa at 13:02 on 31 May 2003  Report this post
I agree with olebut about the word "bound" - despite being Madame Alliteration myself, it interrupts the lovely flow of your imagery.

I think the patchwork counterpane is a wonderful image - as if the beach as evening draws in, wants to tuck you up in bed.

Really nice poem. Makes me feel warm reading it and takes me back to childhood times on the beaches in North Cornwall.

Fab.

pene at 13:45 on 31 May 2003  Report this post
thank you all for your kind comments I have altered bound as suggested, I think you were right it does sit better now.



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