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Landmines
Posted: 12 August 2004 Word Count: 173
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Landmines
As seeds of death are sown the roots of hate are grown and mothers cry as children die for a cause they've never known
The drops of bloody rain stain the soil with pain and men of pride try to hide their everlasting shame
Heartbreak cries of shattered lives go unrecognised as once again the sins of men create unseeing eyes
We have no choice our leaders say someone has to pay. If courage cools and weakness rules we lose the American way
But you cannot shoot a dream or bomb a people free ideas will abide resist the killing tide why don't they ever see
And so the children weep and cry themselves to sleep but we shut our eyes and criticise the company they keep
As more seeds germinate in hate broken limbs and hearts create a spirit of defiance in unholy alliance against the super state.
"Suffer little children" shames the hearts of men for when innocence appears we wring out bitter tears and crucify Him once again.
Zettel
Comments by other Members
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roovacrag at 06:46 on 14 August 2004
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Zettal a strong piece. We seem to be on the same wavelength.
Good choice of words and well written.
xx Alice
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The Walrus at 11:11 on 14 August 2004
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Shame on us, our civilisation. Your well-crafted words speak very loudly Zettel. Heartbreaking. Well said.
The Walrus
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Zettel at 18:02 on 14 August 2004
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Thanks Christina and Alice.
Content is a bit heavy I guess but this was one of those pieces where as I was writing it, I found the dominant rhyming scheme almost leading it towards being a song. But I find that's tricky as the distinction between a poem and a song still troubles me (if anyone does both and feels they have got the distinction clear i'd appreciate their help).
The main merit I guess of a song is that for protest content like this, a song might have more potential impact.
Thanks again
Z
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fireweed at 19:04 on 15 August 2004
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Zettel, this is a strong piece. Strangely, before reading the comments, as I was reading the poem I thought it had something song-like about it. Bob Dylan came to my mind. I'm not sure how to distinguish between a song and a poem. Some lyrical poems are songs without music. But just adding music to words doesn't necessarily make a song.
Yours is a song worth singing.
fireweed.
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Zettel at 22:39 on 15 August 2004
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Thanks Fireweed
Dylan would be very good company
Just gotta learn an instrument I guess.
Z
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olebut at 14:32 on 16 August 2004
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Zettle I have come on this rather late and almost everything that could be said has a fine piece
As usual I don't like the capital letters beginning each line I really do think it distracts from the flow and strength of the images and message also perhaps you should consider in verse 3 line 2 removing the word 'go' and in verse 4 remove 'and in line 3 ( line 4 is a little ugly but can't think how you can chnage it and keep in American way although you could then chnage the first word of the line to 'and' which I think scans a little better. Also in verse 7 try removing the first word 'so'
a super piece though fine sentiments strongly said
take care
david
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Zettel at 23:08 on 16 August 2004
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David - thanks for the comments
Agree on the caps - just need one for sense mid-verse 4.
Can't make the rhythm or sense work as well for me with your suggested excisions, but you made me re-look at V4 and the logic I think has 'courage cools' as prior to 'weakness rules', so have reversed them.
Agree about the clunkiness of the last line - trouble is "the American Way" is inherently clunky I think but the expression is central to the theme.
'So' is a nothing word you'd try to avoid in a poem (less so in a song as it has a stretchable vowel sound). 'as' is only a slight imporovement but it works at least as well. (Interesting that 'as' would not work as well in a song).
Improved by your comments I think - thanks.
Z
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engldolph at 19:39 on 18 August 2004
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HI Z
Yes, some strong thoughts in a piece that flows almost like a song (half 60s protest feel, half political rap)..
Favorite line
someone has to pay.
If courage cools
and weakness rules
we lose the American way
Not as sure about stanzas 6/8.
And the title "Landmines" ...the poem to me read more about current events..I associate landmines with Bosnia/Africa
Enjoyed
Mike
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Nell at 19:34 on 21 August 2004
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Hi Zettel,
As others have said a very powerful poem. The only hesitation I had was on the last line of the fifth stanza. I'm not sure why, it may be the passive voice, unless it's that 'shaming' is a softer word among the stronger ones. See what you think - it may just be me. Re. the difference between a song and a poem, I asked this question on the Poetry Seminar Forum recently after hearing Suzanne Vega's Small Blue Thing read as a poem on the radio. It was surreal and stunning. Bob Dylan, Cat Stevens, Paul Simon, Carly Simon et al - IMO poets every one!
Nell.
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Zettel at 09:59 on 25 August 2004
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Thanks Nell
Not sure the amendment is ideal but I think it perhaps is more in the spirit of the stanza than the shaming line.
Regards
Z
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Nell at 11:01 on 25 August 2004
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Zettel, I think it works better now - maybe as you say not ideal but at least unnoticable.
Nell.
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