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Penance
Posted: 12 August 2004
Word Count: 102
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It was to be expected -
freedom was after all
my well-worn tune -
but when it came,
it hurt nevertheless.
My fickle face
had been waiting
for so very long
to be slapped,
but when it came,
it stung me senseless.
Lie in your bed.
You made it.
You got what you wanted.
Wrists burn as the
stock-shackled fists of my liberty
drip with rotten eggs.
Racked by silent screams
I can do nothing
in the face of dreams
that refuse to be.
I dance along this glittering path
encrusted with exotic gems -
saline jeweldrops saturating
my gold-sandaled feet.
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Comments by other Members
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 Bobo at 19:41 on 12 August 2004
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Walrus - such a regretful and yet fatalistic piece. Love and loss, the sadness of having to let go of that which was not meant to be. Beautifully written, as always, but it is the 2nd stanza which I found the most poignant and powerful.
BoBo x
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The Walrus at 19:52 on 12 August 2004
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Thanks Bobo, appreciate your comment, given that this is a "nakedly honest" piece. It was written some time ago in a "fatalistic" moment. Can't see the point of couching real life/real feelings in cowardly language - for me it doesn't speak - and what is the point of poetry if it can't reach out and touch in a very direct way? But, I don't need to tell you this :-)
The Walrus
x
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Fearless at 20:35 on 12 August 2004
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Red
The first half is cinematic. It sounds as if there's another voice (conscience or person) at the start of the third stanza. The image of liberty's bittersweet twist is powerful, poignant and leads into the even more gut-wrenching, potent, penultimate stanza.
In terms of the closing stanza, I like the relationship to your poem 'Compassion'.
I commend you for writing something so open; this is a rare trait in any writer. An excellent piece.
Write on, Fearless x
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The Walrus at 21:01 on 12 August 2004
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Thanks for your take on this Fearless, as always, an accurate one.
Thanks.
Red
x
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roovacrag at 21:52 on 12 August 2004
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Red excellent poem. One that hits and hurts.
I always say you make your bed you lie ON it not in it.
Though depends who else is there.
Liked the forth stanza in this followed perfectly with the fifth.
Well done.
Red mumxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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eyeball at 08:06 on 13 August 2004
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This one poked a raw spot, Walrus. Most excellent
I loved 'the
stock-shackled fists of my liberty
drip with rotten eggs. '
As you know (or may not) I am not a poet, so I don't know if this point is relevant to poetry, but if the penultimate stanza were prose 'Racked by silent screams,the fact remains I can do nothing in the face of dreams that refuse to be.'
would the imposition of 'the fact remains' between the first phrase and 'I can do nothing' make that first phrase into a dangling modifier? i.e. it would relate to 'the fact remains ' not 'I can do nothing '. I'm not sure about that, even in prose and in a poem it's probably different anyway. Whaddya think?
Irrelevant to the powerful effect of the poem anyway.
Sharon
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The Walrus at 11:04 on 14 August 2004
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Stan, thanks - yes it is a pretty harsh poem. Glad you liked it.
Sharon, yes poking raw spots (and big red buttons marked 'do not press' for that matter) is my speciality lol. In terms of dangling modfiers, I think you're probably right (not that I know much on the subject) - 'the fact remains' is actually a redundant line so I'm taking it out - does it read better? Appreciate your comments given that you say you are not a poet! Thanks.
Thanks Elsie - pleased you enjoyed it.
The Walrus
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The Walrus at 11:04 on 14 August 2004
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Stan, thanks - yes it is a pretty harsh poem. Glad you liked it.
Sharon, yes poking raw spots (and big red buttons marked 'do not press' for that matter) is my speciality lol. In terms of dangling modfiers, I think you're probably right (not that I know much on the subject) - 'the fact remains' is actually a redundant line so I'm taking it out - does it read better? Appreciate your comments given that you say you are not a poet! Thanks.
Thanks Elsie - pleased you enjoyed it.
The Walrus
<Added>
Ooops, minger fuddle.
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olebut at 14:20 on 16 August 2004
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Walrus strong words and a superb piece with great emotiona ndimagery well odne
david
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Lawrenco at 00:25 on 18 August 2004
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The poem certainly has a two part aspect to it.The first half the reaction,the second two stanzas the reason,like a mini play for today .
The last stanza I dance along a glittering path...nicely rich descriptiveness,but something more gutsy ,like running of with the P.E teacher in his fancy coupe.might be an interesting alternative ending.
There was a freshness that I enjoyed.
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Lawrenco at 22:34 on 03 December 2004
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I don`t know what I was thinking when I made the last comment .This is a moving brave piece,know I feel the empathy .
Hope that the path has/will,become clearer what with your golden sandles!!!
Take care,"Bold Red".
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Comments by other Members
Elsie
