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Complete Silence
Posted: 12 August 2004 Word Count: 150
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As the cloud touched the horizon,
A gust of wind blew to meet
The dread coming. And a howl
From below reached the sky and
Struck the earth with lights in
A speed of a bullet. Death
Smelled all around, blood soaked
The earth in vengeance –‘tis hatred.
From the sun, then, came a chariot
With a warrior ready for another
Battle. But a sound of defeat
Loomed the air, hanging heavy,
And not a soul can stand
The terror of another war.
And another chariot charging, and in it
The blackness of horror –
The warrior of Death. He collected
The souls and dragged them away
To the eternal death.
Cries of panic, anguish and
Pain mixed with tragic, horror
And dread. Then the sky fell
To the earth in great thunder,
To end the curse of mortality;
To end the life, to end death.
And, here came silence.
Comments by other Members
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olebut at 09:11 on 12 August 2004
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aliyahsam
firstly welcome to write words I hope you enjoy thesite and decide to stay.
Wow a powerful first piece with great imagery and emotion so much wrapped up in so few words well done.
My only concern is that the use of capitals at the beginnig of each line ( yes I know the convention) spoils the flow and effect. In certain cases it amplifies the effect but is then diluted in the places were it would be better to start witha lower case character because of the way you have laid the poem out you are effectivley starting a word with a capital in the middle of a sentence to illustarte my point I have taken the liberty of changing the following but left Battle with a capital because I think it needs the extra emphasis.
i.e
A speed of a bullet. Death
smelled all around, blood soaked
the earth in vengeance –‘tis hatred.
from the sun, then, came a chariot
with a warrior ready for another
Battle. But a sound of defeat
loomed the air, hanging heavy,
but whatever you decide a fine piece well done
take care david
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roovacrag at 22:30 on 12 August 2004
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Aliyahsam.
Welcome to WW.
Superb poem, As David said ,no need for all the caps.
Loved the line ..He collected the souls and dragged them away. Like the reeper taking his souls.
Well done.
xx Alice
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Rai15 at 14:00 on 18 August 2004
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I really like the way this began with something so simple as a cloud.
This piece has really strong imagery for me coupled with the great descriptive language makes it very memorable.
Very well done, brilliant first post,
-Rai-
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Lawrenco at 22:10 on 23 August 2004
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Very dramatic opening poem,enjoyed the vivid descriptiveness ,you made something catostrophic sound reasonable.
<Added>
Welcome to ww hope you have a good time here.
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aliyahsam at 10:03 on 24 August 2004
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thank u all for the comment, i really appreciate it. thank u david, alice, rai and lawrenco
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