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closing time

by dr_mandrill 

Posted: 10 August 2004
Word Count: 62

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we'll stumble out into the amber
you and I
into that secret sodium glow
where laughter
echoes louder than you laughed it
comes back at you

look how the sky mocks volume
i'll say
and how the trees breathe the night

city boy
you'll say and smile
and shake your head
and lead me on
and hush me on the stairs

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Comments by other Members

Fearless at 14:27 on 10 August 2004  Report this post

I liked this. The first stanza painted a similar image to your poem 'The nerd in the daylight'. The second stanza reminded me of the conversational style of the New Orleans poet Ishmael Reed (particularly his poem 'St. Louis Women'). The third stanza...aah, well I hope it's not one of your pupils.


The Walrus at 20:02 on 10 August 2004  Report this post
Moody number... the 'amber' and 'sodium glow' really build the atmospherism(?). Like the way the title subverts the expectations.

Credit to you that no punctuation is required, structured perfectly.

The Walrus

roovacrag at 22:09 on 10 August 2004  Report this post
Ian, first stanza was good.
Quality of the poem was to the extreme.

Loved reading it.
xx Alice

miffle at 14:09 on 11 August 2004  Report this post
Enjoyed this poem and it's hidden drama. Seems to me to be about 'hidden' things... A hush hush feel, a breathy one at that... A clandestine sense of anticipation I thought.

Use of the future tense perfect: could suggest so many things. And I think here it takes you / the speaker to the place you want to be before you're there, physically... Gives a sense of impatience. Also gives a sense of something that's inescapable, 'it's going to happen', or perhaps it's just a fantasy! Your own private movie on permanent playback...

'city boy' I like: sounds like a playful term of endearment... 'closing time' is that partly why we go to the pub (?): drama spills out onto the pavements...

All the best, Nikki

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