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RLG8 my version.

by roovacrag 

Posted: 05 August 2004
Word Count: 352
Summary: David has pushed me to write and rlg,so here goes..be gentle with me.


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When I read through my journals from that time, I see traces of myself in some entries,most of it sounds like the thoughts of an entirely different person.

I see a man,could be me,lost a leg during the war. To him the war was over,thought he had a career,now he can only be a spectator, lost all.

As he lay there,man in the next bed was near the window,looking out of it for hours on end. He asked what he saw as he couldn't see for himself.
He described the oak tree hundred years old. The Daffidils,tulips,crocus all around. The flow of the waterfall cascading down,changed by so many years of ownership.
Man in the bed closed his eyes and saw all but said no more.
For days they talked and the man at the window gave hope with the beauty he saw.
One day the man at the window said unexpectantly,"going home tomorrow." Then he stroked where his right arm had bee..
Next day he had gone.
Nurses were making the bed.
"He gone home then?" the man asked
Nurse looked tears in her eyes.
"He died in his sleep."
All was quiet.

"Could I have the bed near the window?" he asked
Hoping to see the beauty that had been described to him.
"Yes." said the nurse frowning as to why he wanted to move.
"Nothing to see though."

The man knew there was lots to see he had been told.
When he moved,eagerly to see the outside. Shuffled his body higher,causing him much pain to do so.
There was nothing.
"Thought there was an Oak tree out here,the man said there was".
Nurse smiled.
"He was an artist,blinded by a bomb,lost his arm as well."
"He said he saw it all,"
"What he saw was his home in Chatsworth."
She turned away so he couldn't see the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Perhaps he is better dead. Would never have seen, nor painted again." She walked away leaving the man alone.
He had said he was going home today and he has. Not in body,but in mind and spirit.






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Comments by other Members



bjlangley at 12:55 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Excellent Alice.

I really enjoyed this, very emotional. It almost brought a tear to my eye too.

All the best,

Ben

roovacrag at 13:13 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Ben,
many thanks here. As you know I write poetry and nothing else. Was fun writing it.
xx Alice

Jumbo at 13:30 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Alice, this is brilliant!

A really emotional piece of writing - and it seems to sit in that space between prose and poetry.

Nurse looked tears in her eyes.
"He died in his sleep."
All was quiet.


Lovely!

Well dons,

jumbo xx

<Added>

Try 'Well done' rather than 'Well dons'!

roovacrag at 13:52 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Jumbo thanks. I thought I was going to get slated with this piece. Not easy not to rhyme as in poetry.
Not going to get too cocky as someone will knock me off my perch.
xx Alice

Jumbo at 14:07 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Nope!

I think you are where you should be: firmly seated on your perch - and deservedly so!

Regards

John xx


SamMorris at 15:00 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Wow Alice, that was beautiful. I've never read anything quite like that before. It was kind of at the crossroads where poetry and prose meet, if that makes sense. Had to hold back the emotions at the end - sitting at work as I am.

Thank you

Sam

olebut at 16:03 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Alice i am very pleased I twisted your arm otherwise this would have stayed locke dinside you and perhaps it would never have had the chance to escape.The imagery is excellent in fact the whole story line is equally so.It is a moving and tender piece sadly so true

take care and there will be another RLG next month

david x

<Added>

What makes this more poignant for me was that my father was blinded in WW2 so I have a very vivid memory and understanding as to the reality of these words

david

miffle at 16:12 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
A heartfelt piece Alice and you definitely have a feel for narrative!

I was especially touched by the idea of the old man knowing when his time had come... This in my experience is true. My grandfather did: he went into hospital one Christmas and we all gathered round him and he seemed sublimely peaceful though he was very ill. It was not until he had seen everyone that he died.

'A bed near the window' too is a moving idea (title?): when your world is limited by walls perhaps the smallest glimpse of sunlight is worth struggling for. I know that I was very upset to see my nana in a nursing home where she could not go outside.

The relationship between the two men is moving too: and interestingly in the nursing home where my nana lived for the last few months of her life it was the blind woman too who was spreading light in the room... She used to sing: 'Farmer's Boy' was one of the songs.

Please please give this a title at some point independent of the idea of the RLG :-) !

Enjoyed it... Nikki





<Added>

NB the daffodils and tulips and crocuses fit perfectly in with the idea of 'hope' i.e. the Spring flowers. And it is poignant too that the old man in the winter of his years crosses the threshold from life to death in the Spring.

<Added>

ooops! not sure where I got the 'old' idea from!

Dee at 18:23 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Beautiful, Alice. And very moving. It's almost like song lyrics.

Well done!

Dee.
x

joanie at 18:25 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Lovely, Alice, and I nearly missed it!
joanie

roovacrag at 19:43 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Sam thanks for comment. Not used to writing this kind of work.
xx Alice

roovacrag at 19:46 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
David,it was a challenge . Thank you for twisting my arm so to speak.
Many years since I actually wrote more than a poem.
xx Alice

roovacrag at 19:50 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Nikki,many thanks.
Even 17 year old was old during the war. Went in as teenagers,came out as old men.
What is a person without his eyes to see the colours,or his arm to paint them. At least we can still see when we close our eyes and sleep.
xx Alice

roovacrag at 19:52 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Dee a compliment from you as I do poetry.
I enjoyed doing it. Might take the plunge and do more.
xx Alice

roovacrag at 19:53 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Joan.. your used to my poetry. Shocked myself here.;-))
xx Alice

Jubbly at 21:55 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
Well done Alice, I thorougly enjoyed this. I was only looking at the photos in the papers today, of the WW1 vetrans who attended the 90 year commemoration yesterday. I only have to hear 'The Last Post' and it reduces me to tears. The bed next to the window is a lovely image and title even.

The Walrus at 22:48 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
I liked this piece very much Stan. Haven't read the original RLG this was inspired by, so am coming in blind (as it were, sorry). It is a powerful piece, the raw elements of which have impact but I think it could be refined to flow better.

Also, there are a few lines which move to fast for me:

"Thought there was an Oak tree out here,the man said there was".
Nurse smiled.
"He was an artist,blinded by a bomb,lost his arm as well.""

I just thought this came to quickly. I mean it is the crux of the piece no? Needs more build-up for me.

I'm no prose writer, so feel free to disregard my comments.

Red
xx

roovacrag at 06:27 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
Jubbly.Red, thank you for your comments.
xx Alice

tinyclanger at 08:39 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
Another effective use of the line. Its been a good springboard for excellent storytelling.
I enjoyed the way this was anchored in reality, yet had the unreal in it too.
Especially moving touch that the blind painter could still paint beautifuly in his head - guess that's something we never lose.
Enjoyed it, Alice. Dare I ask for more prose?!!
x
tc

roovacrag at 15:45 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
TC,thanks for your kind words. It's the first I have ever done,so was amazed at the response.
xx Alice

Elsie at 20:21 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
Hi Roovacrag - lovely piece, feels like an allegory, (is that the right word?) or at least that it teaches us something about life

Elsie

Elsie at 20:21 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
Hi Roovacrag - lovely piece, feels like an allegory, (is that the right word?) or at least that it teaches us something about life

Elsie

roovacrag at 21:57 on 06 August 2004  Report this post
Elsie,many thanks for your comments.
xx Alice

TheGodfather at 14:52 on 08 August 2004  Report this post
Roovecrag,

Touching and vivid. I could picture it perfectly and the connection with the reader's emotions was good as well. One fixeroo, I know you said go easy...

"Nurses was making the bed." --> "Nurses were making the bed."

TheGodfather

Fearless at 17:47 on 08 August 2004  Report this post
Al

A beautifully poignant scene. The laconic dialogue reinforces the workmanlike nature of the environment (patients and busy nurses) and the fact that terrible suffering was wrought not on a few, but the many.

Write on, Fearless x

roovacrag at 20:04 on 08 August 2004  Report this post
Goddy thanks for the comments.. yes I have now altered was to were.

I know I should edit my work more.
My grammer is trash at times. (most of the time):-(

I do take note however, on comments and I really appreciate them all.
Thank you.
xx Alice

roovacrag at 20:06 on 08 August 2004  Report this post
Woz many thanks for your comments.
Much appreciated.
xx Al

Account Closed at 10:52 on 16 August 2004  Report this post
At last! Congratulations Alice, a moving piece. I like the title the others have suggested.
Elspeth

roovacrag at 13:17 on 18 August 2004  Report this post
Elspeth..know you pushed me into this as well.

Must be getting mobile to the youngsters on here.;-))

Thanks.
xx Alice

crowspark at 19:16 on 22 August 2004  Report this post
Very moving.
Thanks for the window.

Bill


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