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Death

by peterxbrown 

Posted: 02 August 2004
Word Count: 11
Summary: Haiku
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Death approached slowly
savouring time to perfect
each slapdash sling shot






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Account Closed at 22:17 on 02 August 2004  Report this post
The sense of pace in this is great - with the slow 1st line and the "tumbled out" feel of the last which stabs its point home (sorry re pun ...).

I did wonder if you need that capital "S" at the start of the 2nd line though? - I think a small "s" might make it flow better?

Best wishes

A
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joanie at 07:17 on 03 August 2004  Report this post
Hi peter; I liked this, particularly the flow (yes, small 's' is better)and the 's's sounds.

joanie
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roovacrag at 21:21 on 03 August 2004  Report this post
Peter not used to you doing Haiku.
Not quite sure I understand it.
xx Alice
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peterxbrown at 00:04 on 23 August 2004  Report this post
Thanks HollyB and Jeanie. I have changed to small case "s".Thanks Alice, I enjoy Haiku but don't post much of it! Perhaps its just as well!! In this one I am alluding to the timeless erosion which has created the perect simple pebble which is eventually picked up and used to kill. Its a metaphor for the hidden events which precede the deaths of powerless and oppressed people.
peterb xxx

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Seahorse at 21:32 on 31 August 2004  Report this post
Loved "slapdash slingshot". Very thought-provoking. Don't really know what else to say, not very good at criticism. Just... really makes you think, as haiku should.
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jewelsx at 00:27 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
loved it!

But should it have some more punctuation?

jewelsx
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