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Unprofound Secrets

by laurafraser 

Posted: 26 July 2004
Word Count: 107

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I want to write something really rather great
profound one day
and then he changed and became rather
Do you like my mono-brow?
like Frieda
he needs her
what if I sew you together?
you could adapt
escape with me
from, reality
I know a place where the earth can be slit
and we’ll sink through
and go and run
through a wilderness of magic
where goblins may live
and wizards blow smoke
over unicorns kissing blue frogs
whilst I wear a crown at night
smeared with emeralds and roses because
I plucked a star from the sky,
made up an alibi
and called it life.

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Comments by other Members

olebut at 16:17 on 26 July 2004  Report this post
Luara welcome to write words

how profound your poem (sic)

I wonder if you need the word 'great' at the end of the first line?

It doesn't seem to fit especialy when it is followed by 'profound', which you could remove instead but I think is required to be there.

like this a lot hope you enjoy your life at Write words ( and believe me it does become like a parallel life)

take care


Fearless at 19:37 on 26 July 2004  Report this post
Profound, fantastical. Liked it. Welcome to WW.


roovacrag at 20:03 on 26 July 2004  Report this post
Laura welcome to WW. prefered the last 9 lines to the poem to the beginning of it.

Enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more of your work so I can understand your writing more.
(If anyone understands mine,let me know)

Well done.
xx Alice

miffle at 21:03 on 26 July 2004  Report this post
Liked the last three lines especially! Felt like the start needed a 'he said' (?) or something similar... Yes, a surrealistic jumble of thought: for me the poem really took off with the line:

'I know a place where the earth can be slit'

Funny, I made a reference to Frida (though not her mono-brow) in a recent poem.

Look forward to reading more! Kind regards, Nikki

deblet at 21:36 on 26 July 2004  Report this post
hi Laura

Welcome on board! Like Miffle, I too loved

'I know a place where the earth can be split,
and we'll sink through
and go and run'

It reminds me of of being in love!

I get a sexy and elemental feeling from some of this, which for me is a bit diluted by the traditional images of magic - goblins, wizards. Harry Potter just ain't sexy (for me!) But I also loved 'smeared with emeralds and roses'.

I look forward to reading more.

deblet X

laurafraser at 14:31 on 27 July 2004  Report this post
Thank-you everyone for your comments, it always seems bizarre the ways in which people can react to poems, the bits they dislike like etc, but everything that has been said so far is very helpful. Thank-you!

Hamburger Yogi & PBW at 04:33 on 30 July 2004  Report this post
I am a visiting 'non-poet' and have no right to criticise.

I had a feeling of a 'rush' on reading this, an outreach too, 'my cup runneth over'.

I wonder if you also write fiction for adults ... Do tell.

Hamburger Yogi

laurafraser at 08:37 on 30 July 2004  Report this post
Hamburger Yogi,

not so far, i am at the moment going for the opposite end of the spectrum and writing fiction for children's book...
might i ask why you asked?
also do you mean that the poem seemed too rushed or you got a rush...? all criticism however brutal welcome!

Byron at 11:25 on 05 August 2004  Report this post
very good

di2 at 05:58 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
I don't usually understand poetry, however I really understood your poem. I could visualise it so clearly and delightfully. Thank you, I enjoyed it. (I noticed the last comment you received was back in 2004 so you may be wondering how I found your poem now at the end of 2005. I found it by clicking on The Radom Read button at WriteWords.)

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