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Unprofound Secrets
Posted: 26 July 2004 Word Count: 107
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I want to write something really rather great profound one day and then he changed and became rather un-profound. Do you like my mono-brow? like Frieda he needs her what if I sew you together? you could adapt escape with me from, reality I know a place where the earth can be slit and we’ll sink through and go and run through a wilderness of magic where goblins may live and wizards blow smoke over unicorns kissing blue frogs whilst I wear a crown at night smeared with emeralds and roses because I plucked a star from the sky, made up an alibi and called it life.
Comments by other Members
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olebut at 16:17 on 26 July 2004
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Luara welcome to write words
how profound your poem (sic)
I wonder if you need the word 'great' at the end of the first line?
It doesn't seem to fit especialy when it is followed by 'profound', which you could remove instead but I think is required to be there.
like this a lot hope you enjoy your life at Write words ( and believe me it does become like a parallel life)
take care
david
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roovacrag at 20:03 on 26 July 2004
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Laura welcome to WW. prefered the last 9 lines to the poem to the beginning of it.
Enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more of your work so I can understand your writing more.
(If anyone understands mine,let me know)
Well done.
xx Alice
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miffle at 21:03 on 26 July 2004
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Liked the last three lines especially! Felt like the start needed a 'he said' (?) or something similar... Yes, a surrealistic jumble of thought: for me the poem really took off with the line:
'I know a place where the earth can be slit' |
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Funny, I made a reference to Frida (though not her mono-brow) in a recent poem.
Look forward to reading more! Kind regards, Nikki
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deblet at 21:36 on 26 July 2004
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hi Laura
Welcome on board! Like Miffle, I too loved
'I know a place where the earth can be split,
and we'll sink through
and go and run'
It reminds me of of being in love!
I get a sexy and elemental feeling from some of this, which for me is a bit diluted by the traditional images of magic - goblins, wizards. Harry Potter just ain't sexy (for me!) But I also loved 'smeared with emeralds and roses'.
I look forward to reading more.
deblet X
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laurafraser at 14:31 on 27 July 2004
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Thank-you everyone for your comments, it always seems bizarre the ways in which people can react to poems, the bits they dislike like etc, but everything that has been said so far is very helpful. Thank-you!
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Hamburger Yogi & PBW at 04:33 on 30 July 2004
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I am a visiting 'non-poet' and have no right to criticise.
I had a feeling of a 'rush' on reading this, an outreach too, 'my cup runneth over'.
I wonder if you also write fiction for adults ... Do tell.
Hamburger Yogi
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laurafraser at 08:37 on 30 July 2004
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Hamburger Yogi,
not so far, i am at the moment going for the opposite end of the spectrum and writing fiction for children's book...
might i ask why you asked?
also do you mean that the poem seemed too rushed or you got a rush...? all criticism however brutal welcome!
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di2 at 05:58 on 21 December 2005
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I don't usually understand poetry, however I really understood your poem. I could visualise it so clearly and delightfully. Thank you, I enjoyed it. (I noticed the last comment you received was back in 2004 so you may be wondering how I found your poem now at the end of 2005. I found it by clicking on The Radom Read button at WriteWords.)
Di2
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