Freedom fighters
Posted: 26 May 2003
Word Count: 83
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They battled out with valour,
Young men for freedom fought,
To save our land they screamed out death,
Midst fields of blood and gore.
The shattered dead lay torn and red,
Extinguished life cast out,
Wounded, pulp-stained, groaning heaps,
Splattered all about.
Adrenaline, fear-fuelled torsos,
With shot and stab and blast,
Create widows, orphans instantaneous,
No future now, just past.
In the name of freedom, wars are fought,
Too many lives are lost,
What freedom is in evidence hence,
To justify such cost?
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Comments by other Members
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 fevvers at 12:35 on 26 May 2003
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Hi Pene and welcome to Poetry Group II.
Thanks for posting up your poem for us to have a look at.
My first thoughts on reading your poem is how full it is of wonderful gorey words "pulp-stained", "splattered", "blood" etc. very evocative of war.
What I think would benefit the poem is if you gave it some concrete images. War poetry, and anti-war poetry, are incredibly difficult to write especially because usually the writer is feeling angry and powerless, but if you place the poem in a setting (eg an everyday setting such as eating breakfast whilst listening/watching the news) and ask yourself questions before you start writing (following on from my suggestion, what colour is your coffee cup? what are you eating? how does it make you feel when you're eating and listening to such violence? What does your skin feel like - is it goosepimply? etc) then you have entered a place in your writing that gives you some power, some control over the events; by making the poem seem more personal you are empowering yourself to write the wider issues. Also perhaps you could give the poem some juxtaposing colour maybe, eg "red cup, blue blood" - where we would expect "blue cup, red blood" By doing this kind of thing you are giving the language more power because of its associations.
Also something I think all of us need to be aware of, especially we that write more formal poems, and that is inversions. Just to use one of your lines as an example to help us all, "Young men for freedom fought", you would more likely say "Young men fought for freedom" By putting the verb 'fought' at the end of the line you are making the line seem old-fashioned, not as if it was written this year.
There is a website called poets against war that is full of amazing anti-war poetry, you might want to check it out. Also I'm sure you know the classic Owen poem "Anthem for Doomed Youth" written from WWI - I think it's on the website too.
If you have an opportunity to get over to London, Mimi Khalvati (astounding poet) is reading at The Barbican on Wednesday 28 May. You might find it interesting.
I feel this is a lovley start to a very difficult poem and subject and I feel sure you will be able to make it work with a little re-drafting.
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olebut at 13:00 on 26 May 2003
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I actually like this very much and it portays very much the horror and hoplesness of war believe me.
It reminds me of a poem by Wilhelm Klemm
Translated by Patrick Bridgewater
and in english titled Clearing Station
I think it is in Anthem for Doomed Youth
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pene at 17:38 on 26 May 2003
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Hi Fevvers
thankyou for commenting on freedom fighters,it is good to have some constructive feed back.
It is going to be very useful posting on this site and I feel sure my poetry will improve as a result, (hope so!).
Unfortunately I am not a well read poet as poetry is something I just started to do when I was at a difficult stage with my illness, it has progressed from there. I joined a writing group last year which I really enjoyed but there wasn't much constructive critique.
Thanks again
Pene
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fevvers at 20:02 on 26 May 2003
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Happy to do anything to help.
I think poetry's one of those wonderful things that we all turn to at some stage in our lives in order to help us. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. The trick is to keep reading!! Whilever you're reading you're writing - that's what I say!
All the best
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