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Being In The Garden

by Trickster 

Posted: 16 July 2004
Word Count: 114
Summary: from a chidhood recurring dream/nightmare

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through the garden I toddle
christened in sunshine
prismatic presentation
of pigment saturation
in floral fascination

warbling and whistling
contently listening
bewitched as a bee hums by
hooked by the dancing butterfly
a bounty of beauty and bloom

but I know you'll be there
and you'll poison my joy
yet as my fear ferments
I will never abandon
my haven of enchantment

then I sense you I smell you
I feel you I hear you
muffled moans slimy wheeze
laboured trudging in the trees
your presence paralyses me

you emerge and I see you
but I don't, you just ARE
so hideous repulsive bizarre
you embrace me and crush me
consume me absorb me

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Comments by other Members

roovacrag at 07:32 on 17 July 2004  Report this post
Trickster... Welcome to WW
Read this a few times.
Yes a dream also a nightmare.
First 2 stanza is all consuming, then you enter the nightmare.

Well written.very well composed.

Keep it up and join WW as it is the best sight going..

Well done.
xx Alice

Ticonderoga at 12:35 on 17 July 2004  Report this post
Trickster (any Native American influence?), welcome! Wonderful words, images, energy and shape, but, almost too literary/alliterative to be frightening? Might need a slightly punchier end? But, very fine. Keep scribbling!



TheGodfather at 19:17 on 20 July 2004  Report this post

Some of your fine rhyming really adds to the effect. I do wonder who the "you" is though, but that might be part of what you're going for here. A definitive clue to the you would add a lot I feel, unless I missed the clue, which is entirely possible. Good overall effect.


paul53 [for I am he] at 16:23 on 18 March 2005  Report this post
I get the feeling you are trying to impress readers with alliteration and other effects in the first two stanzas, and that your real inner feelings do not emerge until stanza three, and fully in stanzas four and five. This may be due to it being a dream/nightmare recollection and not knowing how best to introduce the intruder.
There is a definite difference once you find your stride.

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