Kissing Souls
Posted: 13 July 2004
Word Count: 87
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The love she’d always dreamed of,
kissed her on the cheek,
The moment she had wanted,
turned her body weak
Her heart flustered in her chest,
she couldn’t kiss him back,
So he held out his arm for her,
to kiss, along an unseen track
She kissed his knuckles,
and then his wrist,
Slowly building up,
to take, that final risk
Past the collarbone, and the jaw,
heading for a sweeter bliss,
When she reached his lips, she closed
her eyes, and sunk into the softest kiss
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 roovacrag at 13:25 on 13 July 2004
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Rai, such a tender kiss.
Can almost hear your heart beating as the lips finally touched.
Well done,may the passion keep flowing.
xx Alice
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Rai15 at 14:36 on 13 July 2004
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Thank you very much there, Alice, again I was a tad aprehensive of this one, as I'm not entirely confident with my rhyming skills. But nonetheless I posted it, and am glad I did now, I have been reassured - thanks.
-Rai-
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olebut at 19:26 on 13 July 2004
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Rai
a nice poem which ha sthe obvious message gently but well stated I owuld offer one or two minor changes,
I think you need some adjustment to the punctuation to add emphasis i.e
So he held out his arm for her,
to kiss, along an unseen track.
I think in this verse the removal of the word herself helps the flow
She kissed his knuckles
and then his wrist,
slowly building up,
to take that final risk.
I also think you should consider changing this verse as it loses something of the simple charm of the rest of the piece. I think it is the second line which perhaps needs the change
Past the collarbone, and the jaw
heading for a target she couldn’t miss
When she reached his lips, she closed
her eyes and sunk into the softest kiss
as I have said so many times before it is however your poem an dyou must do with it what you feel is right but take heart it is a simple and gentle poem which overall I think works well
take care
david
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Rai15 at 19:36 on 13 July 2004
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Thank you very much, and I understand and see where you're coming from with your suggestions.
Punctuation; you're probably right, it has never been my strong point, and I shall at some stage go over it again, with punctuation in mind.
The removal of "herself", I considered this as I was writing it initially, I think I left it in to see if anyone else noticed it, obviously you have, so when I go over it, i will indeed take it out.
And as for the last stanza, I do agree, though I shall have to come back to it at sometime, when I have enough peace and time to.
As always good advice, thank you, David,
-Rai-
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