All-seeing
Posted: 10 July 2004
Word Count: 77
Summary: A first draft as a result of the exercise in Poetry Seminar this week.
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The eye within an eye sees all
and nothing feels of nature's
coldest night as with man's gilded rays of light
it blends as one.
Though treacherous the ice holds
nothing fearful for the fold-bound sheep,
who delicately tread a path where warmth has bled
and cold has gone.
Beside the hearth, as stories of
the day are told, blue toes and fingers
turn to pink. While men reflect and eat and drink,
the eye looks on.
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 08:57 on 10 July 2004
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Joanie
wow !
I especially like the first verse/stanza
take care
david
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roovacrag at 09:55 on 10 July 2004
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Joan.. You have really gone to town on this one.
Great poem.
Love the first stanza,although they each compliment each orher.
Well done.
xx Alice
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 Nell at 16:43 on 10 July 2004
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Joanie, strange and wonderful; the winter scene contrasts with the eye in a peculiar way, making the icy landscape warm by comparison to the machine-like orb. We're seeing what the eye sees - the warm-blooded sheep, the pink toes and fingers, the men and the food, yet one is aware of the eye throughout the poem, standing back like a recorder of some kind. We're aware that we are not this eye, of its separateness to us and the scene. There's a sense too that the eye will do nothing to help, should help be needed, even though (possibly) it could. It seemed to me like a cold God. I love the subtle rhyme in this - 'night' and 'light', 'tred' and bled', 'pink' and 'drink'. Beautifully structured, clever. This exercise has worked so well for you - I'm not sure it suits me at all, I found it really difficult to find a way in and don't feel that I've succeeded. This is brilliant.
Nell.
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tinyclanger at 17:50 on 10 July 2004
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Interesting to trace the progression of this from the exercise Joanie. I enjoyed the atmosphere of this, and If it IS just a first draft, I'll certainly look out for where you take it.
Liked the ryhme of the last lines of each stanza, seems at the same time to bring each to a definate close, yet build a connection, too.
Funny, have looked at Nell's piece too and both seem 'other worldly'...?
x
tc
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Bobo at 09:19 on 11 July 2004
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Joanie - a mesmerising piece of writing - a strong sense of mysticism, though harsh and cold. the structure is inspired - love it!
BoBo x
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miffle at 15:03 on 11 July 2004
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Joanie, this poem evokes for me an older world: a world of 'fold-bound sheep' 'stories' / folk tales (the oral tradition), Hardy-type characters gathered by the 'hearth'.
A poem with a rustic feel created through your use of words (i.e. 'fold-bound' 'stories' 'hearth') and also through your choice of syntax: i.e. in the first verse, in particular, I felt that your syntax sounded antiquated almost Shakespearian, perhaps.
The image of the sheep stole the show for me - loved:
'fold-bound sheep... cold has gone'
And also loved the contrast of the sheep outside in the cold with the images of the rustics by the hearth in the last verse.
I think colours too give this poem cohesion: the 'gilded rays', the 'ice', the 'sheep', the red blood of 'warmth has bled', the 'pink fingers', 'blue toes'. I like this very much, painterly.
I like too the strong sense of rhythm in the poem: gives the poem a sense of continuity beyond itself - a generational march, which, too, evokes the rustic world of cycles, natural, seasonal.
I love too the contrasts in the poem: 'treacherous/ delicate' 'gilded rays/ ice' 'fold bound sheep' / 'men' a the 'hearth'
Actually, however, I wasn't sure about the 'eye' or about the title... I think this is because I love the more definite parts of the poem - i.e the painterly images and find the 'eye' slightly cliche, slightly too abstract... I see, however, how you have used the idea of the 'eye' to frame the poem.
A thought: perhaps you could make the
'eye' more definite? Suggest a more lucid image of the 'eye' / a visionary / the sixth sense / second sight / the maker / the divine... i.e. these are all words that I associate with the abstract idea of the 'eye' at present...
Another thought: have you read much of Hardy (?) both poems and novels (?). If not perhaps try and find a copy of the poem about 'The Fiddler'... In Hardy's work the fiddler seems to me to be the character who remains aloof from all the others - magical, mysterious, wily, and in many ways I interpret him to be the visionary, the one with second sight... I thought perhaps that the idea of the Fiddler might link in with the rustic / old world scene that you paint (?)
Kind regards, Nikki :-)
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 joanie at 16:52 on 11 July 2004
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Nell, tc, Bobo, Nikki, thank you all for your responses.
Nikki, This is as a result of the exercise we are doing in Poetry Seminar, so the eye in the picture is my webcam and the scene an old Winter village scene - a Christmas card, actually.
I had an image of events taking place and being seen by some inanimate, all-seeing 'thing', which records but is totally detached from anything or anyone.
Yes, I am sure that I need to develop who or what the eye is. Thanks for the Hardy reference.
I'm still thinking and re-forming, I hope.
Many thanks everybody,
joanie
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fevvers at 13:07 on 13 July 2004
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Hello Joanie
Sorry I've not been able to comment on your poem over the weekend.
There's a few things about this poem that I found interesting and a couple of suggestions I'd like to make if I may.
I was interested my the form in this poem, especially the last lines of each quatrain - it made me think a little of the villanelle, but moreso the ghazal with its strong refrain (although of courses yours isn't a refrain). There's something in this because it seemed to connect with this 'eye'. In a way I don't care what the eye is, there is soemthing about its presence that is compelling - although you need to clarify wha it is doing there a bit more. The repetition of the strong end rhyme is an aural anchor, a reminder perhaps, so it's possible to not have the eye actually present in each stanza because it is coded by the rhyme "it blends as one", "and cold has gone" "the eye looks on". You need much more of this poem - the landscape has given you a vast world to explore with this eye, take up the opportunity!
I will say a couple of things that I think will enable the poem to move on.
Go through the poem and identify all the inversions. Then write these lines as if you were just saying them to someone (forget the rhythm of the poem at this point, you can come back to that later) or writing them down. eg "and nothing feels" would be "and feels nothing". These inversions make the language archaic and especially in a scene like this twee.
Then go through and take out all the adjectives and adverbs and use a metaphor or simile instead, eg "nature's coldest night" could be "night, a rip of ice in nature's heart" (but don't use that image it's far too cliched, but you see what I mean). This communicates what you want to say by using images and adds to the emotion of a piece. (obviously soemtimes adjectives are important and unavoidable, but I'm suggesting this to push on the exercise). Again forget about the rhythm at this point, you're just 'writing out' from the poem.
Also, you need to think what the senses are doing in this poem. By doing this you can pass on to the reader particular sounds, smells etc which evoke different situations or emotional responses.
Hope some of this helps.
cheers
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joanie at 18:01 on 13 July 2004
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Hi fevvers. Thank you for your detailed comments. I have printed them off and am going to read them carefully before I try to act on them. Interesting and very helpful. Thanks!
joanie
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