Flaming crucifix, voodoo dolls, souls of burning demons, eternal lies in serpents’ eyes, call before 9, or preferably at zenith of full moon, reasonable pact can be agreed, also child’s bike, ashes.

Chest freezer, very cold, very effective, will swap for Kenwood Breast Defroster, £21.

Hard of hearing? Immobile? Digital pop-in scooter, put it in your ear and forget about it, heavy, hurts, hence £22.

Nuclear oven, well-done meals in seconds, also very, very large plot of unhabitable land the size of Bradford, in Bradford, call me on my mobile (landline down).

Child’s piano teacher, impatient, alcoholic, violent, sadistic, unstable bastard, hence £3, refs available from Home Office.

Furniture mover, light items only, e.g. children’s chairs, small distances preferred, e.g. same room, from £11.

Fridge-freezer, relocation forces sale, as no longer able to find, also unable to locate table, chairs, children, no reasonable offers of help refused. Please, God, help.

Laura Ashley car, in deep cherrywood, with six lattice, leather high-back dining chairs, lace engine, totally impractical, but great conversation piece, £38.

Aston-Martin Lagoona, very wet, too wet (God, it’s wet), also scuba gear, £46.

Get your dog groomed and dressed in time for Easter. Easter Sunday is only six days away! Time is running out! Call immediately or risk disappointment.

Italian, real ox-blood leather suite, ox legs and stomach too, in onyx, £53.