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Sometimes

by joanie 

Posted: 05 July 2004
Word Count: 50
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Sometimes
my hand stretched out across
the miles can calm your troubled heart.

Sometimes
I touch your hair, your face,
and feel your warmth on empty hands.

Sometimes
engulfed in loneliness
I close my eyes and there you are.

Sometimes
reality kicks in -
I just sit quietly and weep.






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roovacrag at 21:44 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
Joan, think you said it all..Sometimes.
You worded it well.

Well done
xx Alice
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miffle at 11:31 on 06 July 2004  Report this post
Joanie, gentle piece... A few thoughts:

* part of me wonders if the title could be 'Sometimes' (?)

* 'I quietly sit and weep' (?): wondered about 'just'. In two minds about it... lifting it could give a stronger image... but then it would also change the meaning... Perhaps lose the sense of resignation 'just' implies.

* wonder how it might work/ look with less punctuation (?) especially felt perhaps you could lose the commas in the first verse i.e. to enact the 'stretching out' (?)

* 'hand' / 'palms' ?

* loved the balanced feel of the poem: almost as if the word 'sometimes' keeps the speaker/ you afloat... i.e. 'sometimes' means that its manageable.

Enjoyed it. Kind regards, Nikki :-)
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joanie at 11:56 on 06 July 2004  Report this post
Thanks, Nikki.
I did think about 'Sometimes' but I wondered if it was too obvious. I have changed it.

Yes, I agree about the punctuation in the first verse; much better.

I want to keep 'just' because of the resignation as you said, but also because I think the rhthym is better.

Thanks for your observations/comments. Much appreciated.

joanie

<Added>

sorry - 'rhythm'
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miffle at 12:30 on 06 July 2004  Report this post
Joanie, no I don't think 'Sometimes' is too obvious - just perfect... And I do like the way that this way as you read the picture of 'Apartness' falls into place... I.e. this you start with a vagueness/ an abstract and the reader is free to paint in the details... Yes, 'just' re. the 'resignation' is important... Nikki
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miffle at 12:31 on 06 July 2004  Report this post
meant: 'i.e. this way you start...' N
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