Login   Sign Up 



by strangetantrum 

Posted: 05 July 2004
Word Count: 68
Summary: not sure this is finished. any criticism welcome. harsh as you like.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

rusted, throat-stalks

like tired voices in dry grass.

sickening, thought's

the stench of spent speech
it clings -

as memories of hopes linger in the skin of damp hospital sheets, and
dare not stir. i dare
not stir. i am apart,

but no further from you, this hour, than the stammering
of the unborn within
this perpetual decay of echoes.

we pray, nightly,


Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 11:31 on 05 July 2004  Report this post

This is astonishing; extremely disturbing in the way it takes you inside a situation/many situations; almost a universal song of the evils of human rights abuse of all hideous sorts. Very fine piece.


roovacrag at 15:04 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
Another great piece from you.
Every stanza complimented the other in the most bizarre way.

I loved it,will look for more of your work.

Well done.
xx Alice

eyeball at 18:37 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
Dark and puzzling. Made me think of childbirth. (Not something I like thinking about) Sharon

Okkervil at 20:19 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
Egad! Not sure what to say really. It's an excellent poem... the way it blends thoughts and reality- 'as memories of hopes linger in the skin of damp hospital sheets.' Yeah, it is disturbing, full of brilliant, horrible phrases. I shall now trail off and stare at something for a while.

miffle at 20:37 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
Had a stuck/ static/ stale feel up to the word 'apart' - effect created I think through use of all those 'st' sounds...

Dark poem, somewhat puzzling... Oppressive feel... 'perpetual decay of echoes' no hope there...

'spent' reminded me of Shakespeare 'nought's had/ all's spent' i.e. sexual reference.

Wasn't sure about idea of sheets having 'skin'?

Seemed to relate to a love affair/ liason broken up...

'we pray nightly': hmmm... wondered who the 'we' was, did you want to leave it ambiguous? Could be 'the unborn'/ all people in the speaker's place...

Vivid piece, Miffle

Rai15 at 22:22 on 05 July 2004  Report this post
I really liked this, and yet I can't explain why...

When I was reading it, I just saw an image of me, but a different side to my personality, standing in front of me reading it. Doubt that has any relevance to you, but hey nevermind.

It's very good, I feel, so well done.


strangetantrum at 21:40 on 06 July 2004  Report this post
thanks all. wasn't very sure about this one. your comments are much appreciated.

i'm also not sure that sheets have skin but it just seemed right to me. i don't mind if it sits a little uneasily.

stuck / static/ stale feel? yes. i'm happier - well, less unhappy - with the second half.

thanks again.


Lawrenco at 23:34 on 07 July 2004  Report this post
It`s like the poem has a hinged dramatic effect of shock; a bit like a ghost train owah!I like it when something really common and ineffensive can sound so menacing!I like the way it doesn`t conclude.


Sorry yes blood I meant see above.

gard at 22:39 on 09 July 2004  Report this post
Hi strange tantrum

vivid piece. Thought the second "it clings" not necessary....the first having its own drama, just thought


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .


Other work by strangetantrum:      ...view all work by strangetantrum