Summer died one day
Posted: 03 July 2004
Word Count: 199
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Summer came unexpectedly.
Burst upon me like a bolt from the azure blue sky,
I didn’t see it coming, how could I?
It just crept up on me, where the hell did spring go?
But I KNEW when it arrived.
I could smell it in the air, spring that is,
the smell of roses blossoming
and life beginning
but then……
Summer came into my life.
It began…..my life began
with summer.
Glorious blue skies, sunshine and heat
like the summer days your Grandparents tell you about
I KNEW this was my one chance of summer.
And it was.
The sun burst into my life, glorious, hot and illuminating,
warmed the world up with the radiance
of it’s orb.
Wasn’t always hot and sunny though
that summer.
Sudden storms burst upon the world
pissing forth rain like a devil
possessed drenching.
Dark, storm tossed waves
crashing against the cliffs
thunderous claps and flashes of lightning.
Mother Earth awesome.
Then
The rainbow, the one we should all follow
I should have chased it, but
why?
It was always here.
I left it.
Now it’s gone
It’s gone,
but summer is always here.
Always here.
Summer will always be here won’t she?
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 08:51 on 03 July 2004
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Baldur
a niece piece with great images and one which stirs so many memories spoilt in my view by one word , that is your use of the word 'pissing'in the 4th stanza, please find another word it really does spoil the work.
I also think you should look at the punctuation and remove the automatic use of upper case letters at the beginning of each line they also spoil the flow of the work. ( but you should know that I have a thing about the use of capitals and consider they are a convention which spoils many fine pices by making the pice uneven in its overall flow).
however a nice poem
take care
david
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baldur at 09:51 on 03 July 2004
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david...thanks for the comments, I may look again at the punctuation, however.....I can't think of another word for the 4th stanza.......'pissing' stands I think
but again I do thank you for your comments.
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Okkervil at 10:35 on 03 July 2004
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Hello! Nice poem- it's animated and conversational and I think 'pissing'can work okay, especially with the occasionally bitter perspective the piece slips into. Maybe to soften it a little, you could move it up onto the previous line? Indeed, the sentence in which it is placed seems to offer no alternative word, but there are other similies for rain! Anyways, it doesn't spoil it for me. The confused voice, wandering, repeating...it sounds like he has no one to help him.
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roovacrag at 13:01 on 03 July 2004
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Baldur...very good poem.
I agree with David cut the pissing out, it spoils the poem.
If you want to use the word then throw our spewing.
Pissing down like the devil.
Drenched.
xxAlice
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 James Graham at 10:53 on 05 July 2004
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In the grey light before morning the pine trees piss
And their vermin, the birds, raise their twitter and cheep.
At this hour in the city I drain my glass, then throw
The cigar butt away and worriedly go to sleep.
Bertold Brecht. |
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'Pissed' should stay!
I'll comment more on this poem later.
James.
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baldur at 12:05 on 05 July 2004
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I took on board some of what David and Alice said and changed things slightly...and moved the word 'pissing'. On reflection it DID look a little incongruous where it was, but it was how I felt at the time I wrote the piece and I felt that to remove it entirely would have taken something away, at least for me. I hope it looks a little better this way?
Michael
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Ticonderoga at 16:45 on 05 July 2004
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Looks very fine to me; never take the piss out of a fine poem!! Keep scribbling.
Best,
Mike
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James Graham at 11:47 on 06 July 2004
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There's something I like about the tone, or maybe I should say the manner of speaking, in this poem. It reads as if the speaker is spontaneously telling it. For instance, 'Spring that is' holds on to the thread of the thought in case the listener misunderstands. And 'Wasn't always hot and sunny though' is a sudden change of direction, the kind of thing we all do when we recount an experience. I can 'hear' the speaker's tone of voice changing at some points, and imagine him/her making eye-contact at 'But I KNEW' or 'My life began', or even smiling at 'the one we should all follow' or giving a shrug at 'but why?'
Where I feel there's weakness is where the speaker seems to try to heighten the telling of the experience, but what comes out are rather flat, conventional 'poetic' phrases. The most obvious example is 'like a bolt from the azure blue sky'. You've got 'bolt from the blue' in there - a cliché - and 'azure', an over-used old-fashioned 'poetic' word, like 'zephyr' for breeze. What if you were to imagine this line again...I mean imagine the speaker (or yourself) just in the middle of telling it and taking a second to think of a good phrase. 'Burst upon me like...' and try to get a surprising simile, one that would make the listener's eyes open a bit wider.
This may seem a bit drastic, but I think you could leave out the lines from 'I could smell it...' to 'came into my life'. You've got poetic 'roses blossoming' there - but as well as that I feel there's a real continuity between 'But I KNEW when it arrived' and 'It began...' The one follows naturally from the other, and you don't need the bit in between.
'Glorious blue skies, sunshine and heat' - this doesn't really inspire us, doesn't describe summer in a refreshing way. You could try to find a new line, maybe a simile, or just leave this out. You'd still have the line - a much better line - 'The sun burst into my life, glorious, illuminating'. (I didn't quote this exactly! Missed out 'hot', which doesn't exactly tell us anything new about the sun!) If you left out 'Glorious blue skies, sunshine and heat' you'd have something like
It began...my life began
with summer -
summer days your grandparents tell you about... |
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This way, you get a better effect of someone actually being there, telling the experience, talking spontaneously and interestingly.
After 'illuminating' I feel you could leave out 'warmed the world up with the radiance/of its orb', which is another rather artificial line, doesn't sound natural for the poem's speaker, and labours the point.
I'm sorry if it seems as if I'm pulling your poem to pieces. I'm trying to pinpoint as carefully as I can the thing that tends to spoil its effect. (It's not the p... word that spoils it! Those are good lines - just need a comma after 'possessed'. And I like your storm description better than your blue skies. 'Mother Earth. Awesome' - maybe with that full stop - is a good line too). The ordinary speech/conversation-like lines and expressions all through the poem sound natural and are fine, e.g. 'I didn't see it coming, how could I?', the line about grandparents, the whole of the last ten lines. There are just some lines that seem to run counter to these. Otherwise there's a real effect of spontaneity which I think is the poem's strength, and could be greatly enhanced by revision.
There's also a mood that the poem conveys - quite a complex one, regretful, needing reassurance but with a touch of resignation, as if giving a shrug. The mood comes across very clearly. This person, telling this experience to someone, betraying underlying feelings - that's the heart of the poem.
Best regards
James.
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baldur at 13:21 on 06 July 2004
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James
Thanks for taking the time to read it, I appreciate your comments. And please, don't apologise for your analysis of it....I joined this site to learn how to write again, after a LONG time, and reading other peoples comments and suggestions is all part of the learning curve. And part of the fun too! I'll look at it again and see how it could maybe be improved. Again, thanks.
Michael
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gard at 00:58 on 07 July 2004
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Hi Baldur
all of the above! Interesting write! When I read this piece I almost felt it to be prose-like (that is not a criticism)..
G
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baldur at 15:06 on 07 July 2004
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Gina,
Thank you! I actually wrote it in prose (and belive me it's better that way), it's lost a lot in the transition....but I DID want to put it to poetry,
Michael.
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James Graham at 15:19 on 07 July 2004
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Hello again. Michael. If you want to revise this poem and post a revision some time, that would be interesting. But I do know (from my own experience) that sometimes what you really want to do is put it away and write something new instead. Either way, I look forward to seeing a new post from you.
Regards
James.
<Added>
Maybe not quite what I meant! I don't mean you should put it away, it's potentially a very good poem and well worth revising.
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