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Kevin`s Point of View - Chap. 3

by Colonist 

Posted: 30 June 2004
Word Count: 703
Summary: Short chapter where we finally meet the bad guy, Devin Talon.

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Kevin's Point of View
By Del Shannon

Chapter 3

Devin Talon scowled and slumped in an expensive leather chair in an abandoned cavern of the Hardscrabble Mine, 1,000 feet below his home on Maple Street in Black Hawk, Colorado. One hundred years earlier the mine bustled with men hoping to find a vein of gold and follow it to prosperity. But this mine, like most of the others in this nearly forgotten town, only brought backaches and disappointment. This thought deepened Devin’s scowl. Today he felt like the ghost of one of the Hardscrabble’s miners; chasing something you knew was there but unable to find it.

It wasn’t his fault, he convinced himself. Pudge had panicked. The little imbecile probably wasn’t even being followed. With a groan he picked up the phone and punched the number Pudge had given him several days earlier.

“Hello,” Pudge answered on the third ring.

“This is Devin. You’re sure you mailed it?” Devin asked. “You didn’t leave it on the subway? Or maybe you decided to get greedy. Maybe you thought you could sell it?”

“Oh, er, um, Mr. Talon,” Pudge stammered. “Yes. I mean, no. You see…Yes. I did mail it because I was being followed by two men…”

“Right,” Devin interrupted. “Green parka, tan raincoat. We’ve been through this, Pudge. But I still don’t have it. I need it. I need the Influxitron.” Devin snapped.

“I, I, I, don’t know what happened,” stuttered Pudge. “I mailed it. I know I did. It was at that post office on Canal Street. It cost $8.75,” Pudge fumbled, immediately regretted saying that last part.

“I don’t care how much it cost to mail!” howled Devin. “All I care about is the Influxitron!” he continued, unwilling to dampen his anger any longer. “It’s your responsibility to make sure we get it back.”

“Mine? Well, the thing is…”

“Pudge,” Devin cut him off, “I don’t need excuses. I need the Influxitron. I want you to get out here as soon as possible. Take the usual precautions but I need you here by tomorrow night.”

“To Colorado?” Pudge asked.

Devin sighed again. “No, I thought you might look for the Influxitron in South Africa. Of course to Colorado, you dolt. And if its not too much trouble, you might even come to Black Hawk.”

“Oh,” Pudge answered sheepishly. “I guess I could try to get a reservation.”

“Just get on a plane, Pudge. I don’t care where it’s headed as long as its west!” Devin screamed, slamming the phone down. He paced the room for several seconds then stopped, took a deep breath and tried to think. Pudge’s blunder was unexpected but he might be able to figure a way out of this. If Pudge had mailed the Influxitron, and it was actually lost in the mail, he might be able to get some help from a few contacts he still had in the U.S. Postal Service in Washington D.C. Or maybe the Influxitron would show up on his doorstep tomorrow morning with the rest of the regular mail.

Devin thought back to the first time he saw the Influxitron. It was such a long time ago, or at least it seemed that way. It was just a prototype then and in the hands of a physicist he was helping escape to the U.S. It was a simpler time back then. You knew exactly who was right and who was wrong. Now the world was a mess. Every conflict, every war, every assassination wasn’t about right and wrong, it was about money. It was that simple. And it was a world Devin found he didn’t belong in, so one day he simply left. But he took with him the gift of a dying scientist, the Influxitron.

It took five years, but he had finally perfected the Influxitron. This latest round of testing in New York had proven it worked flawlessly. And now he nearly had the one thing that could bring nations to their knees, ruin billion dollar companies in one day, change the path of history, create or stop wars, and make him the wealthiest and most powerful man ever to live. This thought cheered him up.

End Chapter 3

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Comments by other Members

eyeball at 20:33 on 02 July 2004  Report this post
I’ve just read through chapters 1 – 3. I think you have a great character in Kevin. The constant escaping into day dreaming reminded me of Calvin in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. (Although I’m not suggesting that it’s derivative) When they were younger, my kids loved C and H even though the humour is aimed at adults. I can imagine kids liking the narrative slipping into the adult’s POV because it shows the adult’s ignorance of Kevin’s internal world.
I notice in your comments to Terry that you’ve had this read in a school. What a great way to get real feedback from your target audience!
One phrase that struck me as odd was the ‘at hand’ in ‘the tangible world at hand’. I thought it would be better without it. And I didn’t understand the baking soda reference when he gets detention from Mrs Schmidt.
I liked the list of Floogonians nasty jobs, and Tony doing a blowfish on the window. There are a lot of funny images in it.
I don’t have much of a feel for the villain Devlin, but I haven’t yet read the prologue so maybe his character is stronger there.
As you’ve had so much feedback from children, what kind of feedback are you looking for? Do you want general style stuff, or overall plot or just anything?

BTW you asked about the Euro footie. We wuz robbed by the crooked Swiss ref in the quarters. :P


Colonist at 21:12 on 02 July 2004  Report this post

I've heard all these excuses before and they're falling on deaf ears. My Manchester friend still won't return my emails so I know he's hiding in disgrace. But what an odd Euro Cup it's been so far, eh?

Thanks for taking the time to post a response. As far as comments, give me both barrels. Whatever strikes you (good or bad) is fine with me. To answer you baking soda question, to Kevin's nose this was the odor Mrs. Schmidt was exuding when she sneaks up behind him. Not Chanel. Not Este Lauder. Baking soda. And, by design, very little is known about Devin just now. Don't worry, you'll get your fill of him later on.

Yes, reading at schools has been a hoot. Each time I do it (it's approaching a dozen times now) the kids have just devoured the story. I even left a copy at my daughter's elementary school (ages 6 to 11, I don't know the British equivalent) and it's been checked out several times already. This is one of the reasons I believe so strongly in the story. But, for whatever reason, I'm not connecting quite as well with publishers (read adults). All the biggies in New York have passed on it. From what I could gather the story is too unconventional and plot driven for their tastes. I tried to tell them Harry Potter is an unconventional and plot driven story as well, but they were having none of it. I guess HP was a fluke and the lesson is we shouldn't use the opinions of children when writing for them.

Have a great weekend. We Yanks will be celebrating our independence from the British Isles this weekend. With any luck it'll be a right proper piss-up and I won't remember a thing except the fireworks on Sun. night.

Cheers! Del

eyeball at 08:00 on 03 July 2004  Report this post
Hi Del
I can see that you wouldn't want to reveal much about Devin (Not Devlin as I called him earlier. Shouldn't make a mistake like that with a guy like him! :) ), but if he's an MC, I'd like to feel more of a presence and maybe some physical description (even if jsut from his point of view). I'm getting the sense that he's mildly pissed off and slightly weird (being down a mine), but not a strong sense of his personality. But, yes, I can see that you might just want to introduce him here and then build all this up later. Like a mysterious snapshot of a villain at the start of a film.

BTW when I was scanning for this, I noticed
'“Right,” Devin interrupted. “Green parka, tan raincoat. We’ve been through this, Pudge. But I still don’t have it. I need it. I need the Influxitron.” Devin snapped.' and wondered if you need both dialogue tags?

Do you live in Colorado? I always imagine it to be beautiful. Is it? Or only in parts?


BTW Had you thought of joining a group? You might get more comments that way. I think there are spaces in fiction 1 if you fancy joining us.

Colonist at 21:16 on 03 July 2004  Report this post

Quite right. Don't need both tags. I'll take one out.

Yes, Colorado is quite beautiful. We have 54 mountains over 14,000-feet-high (I've climbed none of them, of course) and a host of other spectacular things to gaze upon. In fact, we're heading up into the mountains this weekend for the Independence Day weekend. If you're the curious sort, do an internet search for Rocky Mountain National Park and you'll see some of things I'll be doing this weekend. If you're the adventurous sort, British Air has direct flights from London to Denver. No idea what the fares are like, but it's pretty easy to get here from London.

I live in Boulder, which is at the foot of the Rocky Mtns - I'm looking at them right now as I type this.

Thanks again for taking the time to look this over. I'll get chapter 4 up soon. And yes, I'd be delighted to join Fiction 1 (if you don't mind reading some kids stuff).

Take Care,


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