Provision
Posted: 20 June 2004
Word Count: 87
Summary: My response to the Gerard Manley Hopkins which we have been looking at in 'Poetry Seminar' this week.
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The sun-bathed sandy beach, the rocky cove -
the coastal path, exquisite flowers along the way,
Your gift to me, the tapestry you wove;
exotic colours, luscious scents, no price to pay -
In your beneficence, I only gaze
in wonder, and adore your name.
A supermarket trolley, dumped in haste
bears witness to abundance I would fain belie;
my package, crumple-cheerful, laid to waste
on nascent mounds of myriad hues – love gone awry.
In your beneficence, I only stare
in stupor, and accept the blame.
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Comments by other Members
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 miffle at 10:02 on 21 June 2004
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Joanie, I think you definitely catch something of the rhythm of Hopkins' poem... 'Profusion' 'abundance' 'beneficence' definitely Hopkins' words...
Wasn't sure about the 'supermarket trolley' lines (?) Wasn't entirely clear to me what you meant by 'abundance' in this context (?): the abundance of being able to buy whatever we want without working the land/ without the toil of our forefathers - i.e. relating to Hopkin's time (?)
Hmmm... also not sure about these lines because I find Hopkin's poem in essence uplifting and though that feel is elsewhere in your poem, perhaps, you lose it here (?)... That said, an injection of things modern is an interesting spin on the original...
Kind regards, Miffle
<Added>
Also a sense of God in creation...
whoops... think it should be Hopkins' (?)
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 joanie at 11:05 on 21 June 2004
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Thanks, miffle. Yes, I know what you mean about the trolley - I was thinking about the contrast of things modern and the fact that even a dumped trolley can be a witness to God's goodness, plus the fact that we can/should praise him in everything.
Thanks for your comments - much appresiated.
joanie
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joanie at 11:06 on 21 June 2004
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Aaargh! Saw the mistake as soon as I posted and it won't let me edit! 'appreciated'
joanie
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 Nell at 12:34 on 21 June 2004
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Joanie, the supermarket trolley was a shock, and pulled me up short, juxtaposed as it is between the lovely images before and after. I feel that this could be longer, it seems that the emotion that prompted it has yet to be fully realized. I also wanted to defer the trolley image till later so tried a little juggling below (hope you don't mind), which gives the whole poem a different impact. I'm not suggesting that you adopt this, rather perhaps that there's room for development.
The sun-bathed sandy beach, the rocky cove -
the coastal path, exquisite flowers along the way,
Your gift to me, the tapestry you wove;
exotic colours, luscious scents, no price to pay -
In your beneficence, I only gaze
in wonder, and adore your name.
A supermarket trolley, dumped in laziness and haste
bears witness to abundance I accept with shame.
Nell.
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joanie at 13:07 on 21 June 2004
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Yes, you are absolutely right, Nell. I'll play about with it a bit more. Thank you.
joanie
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gard at 00:21 on 23 June 2004
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Joanie
I see what you mean about the supermarket trolly, all things under the sky and the like,
very well written and in the spirit of GM Hopkins.
G
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joanie at 10:52 on 23 June 2004
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Nell, Miffle, I have changed it a bit. Sorry Miffle - it isn't very uplifting! The contrast between the old-fashioned and more modern language is deliberate in the second stanza. Does it work any better?
Thanks for your response, Alice and G.
joanie
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Nell at 15:50 on 23 June 2004
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Joanie, you've done it! There is such subtle delight in the rhythms that I have to keep reading aloud, and even examined the rhyme scheme, which I'm sure has a name, although I don't know what that is. The similarity of the penultimate line in each stanza, the only difference in the word chosen to mean 'look', then those final lines in each stanza, so very different - this is very very clever and (I have to say it again ) subtle - lost in admiration. This really works beautifully.
Nell.
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joanie at 15:59 on 23 June 2004
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Thank you Nell! I didn't expect such exuberant praise! Oh, look - the GMH is affecting the vocabulary in my responses now!
I appreciate your return to the piece. Thanks again.
joanie
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gard at 01:26 on 24 June 2004
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Hi Joannie
I read your re-write and it really is so different, it has really lifted itself up! Lovely flow!
G
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fevvers at 10:21 on 24 June 2004
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Hi Nell
I think there are some lovely things in this poem, - especially the list in the first verse but I'd like a more in depth look at them - we can clearly see the rose-moles on the trout in Hopkins, but I can't see your flowers, your exotic colours, I can't smell the perfume and I really want to. I love the first line, and the acceptance of blame - it makes me think of a sonnet
cheers
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joanie at 10:05 on 26 June 2004
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Hi again, fevvers. How about, for the first stanza, a total change of the fourth line;
Your gift to me, the tapestry you wove
of pink-blushed cobalt, moon-kissed gold, diffused bouquet.
I don't really want to change the length or the rhythm of it.
joanie
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fevvers at 11:24 on 28 June 2004
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Hey Joanie
When we write (esp poetry), we need to look at every word and ask 'is this word doing enough work?', and similarly with every line. Words become cliche because we allow them to, because they stop giving us specific meaning. Think about words like 'hue' and 'exquisite' and 'exotic' for example, are they really working hard for this poem? Words are all we have to work with, and for them to do us justice we must do them justice.
cheers
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