The core, the cage
Posted: 14 June 2004 Word Count: 250
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This comes out poor, and stale, and sour, A nasty taste in my widowed hour. I've peasant power and poverty dive, And only clouds to which to strive Towards now I'm flat and sore, I'll eat my way out from the core. The core, the cage, the falcon's rage, I'll flap my wings and to prey engage. My time, my will, my every need, My empty chest I hope to feed. To fill and fly from my despair, To wave to mud, to kiss the air. I'll seek my cloud - to hibernate, To freeze my pain, sleep through my fate. Ah! To sleep! A thousand year! - Awake, no cloud, the coast? Clear. To comatose, dismiss my foes, Feel the ache of the Cupid's bows. They bruise my feathers, hurt my red. I'll lose too much and die instead. My waiting grave, unlike my cloud Lets out no cries, lets in no sound. No..I think I'll fly once more, Too young to be outside His door. I'll lick my wounds and cross the seas, Smile at fish, converse with the breeze. Once it's past, my red will ease. I'll backward eye and her I'll tease. For Time is taking and filling in, With fresh eyes, shall again begin. Out of egg, regenerate, Follow nature, search for mate. But if I get shot once more, And find it too much to endure, I'll spread my wings and seek my cloud, Cocoon in it; my whitened shroud, Disintegrate, for tis allowed.
Comments by other Members
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Account Closed at 21:03 on 14 June 2004
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A very disciplined piece of poetry here, snoozy. I really enjoyed reading it. As a whole, it had great dramatic impact.
Your poem seemed to read almost as if it's a countdown to fate.
A poem to be read in one fast, fury of a breath. I read it twice I liked it that much.
Particulalry liked:
"My waiting grave, unlike my cloud
Lets out no cries, lets in no sound." - thought that was extremely powerful.
Cant wait to read more!
Ste
x
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gard at 23:14 on 14 June 2004
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Hi snoozy!
I agree with Ste
your piece has a good dramatic overall flow and ideas. There is a really good rhythm also. And there are lines that stand out to be much stronger than others, in that the feeling of forced rhyme is never apparent, seeming natural and relevent..
Liked especially
To comatose, dismiss my foes,
Feel the ache of the Cupid's bows.
They bruise my feathers, hurt my red.
I'll lose too much and die instead.
My waiting grave, unlike my cloud
Lets out no cries, lets in no sound. |
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G
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deblet at 09:15 on 15 June 2004
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Hi Snoozy
I agree with gard and ste.You've written something really powerful and elemental feeling here. There's a great inner and outer rhythm and sometimes it seems to move into its own language or somehow a more archaic, arcane (?) one - ie:
And only clouds to which to strive
and
...hurt my red
which perplexes me, but which I like.
yep, I think it's great!
deblet
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snoozy at 21:44 on 16 June 2004
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Thanks for your comments SMcNay, gard and deblet,
I'm glad you liked it, I thought people might not as it's meaning is a bit elusive. I'll post another one soon but have to pick which one and I'll have a look at your own too which I'm sure I'll enjoy.
Snoozy
P.S. 'Red' refers to the heart but is meant to give it a sore and alarming impression.
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Lawrenco at 00:19 on 17 June 2004
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Yes really liked this, it had some really good lines .
I was trying to pick out my favorite but I just can`t decipher as that if you read again you see more to it.
I saw in your profile that your poetry is dark,but I do find it does have a positive upbeat feel and I love your sublimanal abstraction it allows the reader to interpret in different ways which isn`t such a bad idea.
Look forward to hearing more stuff.
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Ticonderoga at 15:37 on 17 June 2004
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Very rich imagistic writing, packing a hefty punch. Keep on scribbling!
Best,
Mike
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Rai15 at 15:05 on 18 June 2004
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This really is beautifully written, I think its wonderful, absolutely brilliant.
My favourite line, would have to be; "The core, the cage, the falcon's rage,"
Well done,
-Rai-
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strangetantrum at 21:46 on 06 July 2004
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a very powerful piece. the content seemed to be wrestling with the structure, trying to break out. loved it.
i look forward to reading more.
steve
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Epona Love at 16:02 on 18 July 2004
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Wonderful, deeply beautiful. One that I know i will wish to read over again and again. So full of images and feelings.
Keep writeing... I'd love to read more.
Emma x.
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snoozy at 14:01 on 19 August 2004
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Thanks all for your comments, I'm chuffed that you liked it. I will post another one shortly but need to work on some before I post them as not really up to scratch.
Snoozy
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