Elderly Audiville residents were reeling today after the introduction of pensioners’ schools in the borough was mooted. The idea, which would end compulsory education for under-16s, is the brainworm of controversial councillor Denison Scrud.

Scrud yesterday defended the new system, citing the appalling joblessness among the over-65s. “Forget the kids,” Scrud said today, “87% of school-leavers are in work, but the Government figures conveniently gloss over the oldies. Last year, not a single wrinkly was working in this town. I aim to make these wizened leeches less of a burden on the state.”

The move follows last year's introduction by Scrud, 7˝, of special kiddies’ streets with 18-inch streetlights, jellied pavements and Cadbury’s bollards.