“We’re running late Mr Samson, shouldn’t be long now,” said the receptionist smugly.

Shit, shit, shit, that’s the third time she’s said that. I scratch my crotch unashamedly and check my watch. If I’m here much longer I’ll have to start thinking up more lies to spin my wife.

Nurse Josie shuffles past and my blood starts to boil. I hate that bitch, she’s been here years and probably seen my dick more times than my wife has. She looks at me as if I’m a piece of shit but fuck her, or I would if she wasn’t such a dried up old cunt. I don’t know who she thinks she is, just because I’ve had a few cases of the clap. I earn more in an hour than she does in a week.

I tell a lie, it’s been more than a few cases, I’m a regular here. I’ve had them all, crabs, syphilis, gonorrhoea. I’m a veteran of venereal diseases. It’s a miracle my wife’s never caught one off me, but then again, when I think about it, maybe it’s not that ridiculous after all. She hasn’t been interested in sex for years and on the odd occasion that she is it’s strictly missionary with the lights off. She’s not my type anyway, never was. I prefer my women cheap and dirty, that’s why I spend so much time in here and so much money on prostitutes.

The mug waiting next to me looks nervous so I break the ice, “First time?” He looks surprised by the sudden interaction, and nods gingerly. I introduce myself, first names only naturally, “I’m Tom, nice to meet you.” He squirms with embarrassment as I shatter his invisibility, “Harry Parkes,” he replies and I smile benevolently. I would have taken the conversation further, partly out of curiosity and partly for fun but Nurse Josie calls me into the examination room.

I shut the door behind me and take a seat. Nurse Josie is standing opposite me, arms crossed and ready to settle some scores on behalf of womankind. No matter what my complaint is she always gives me a rectal examination and she enjoys it too. Not in a sexual way but she knows I hate it and that’s enough for her. She’s been fucked in the arse by men like me enough times to bear a grudge and I’m sure this is her way of getting a bit of revenge.

We go through the usual questions, age, marital status, sexual partners in the last year. I answer her, poker faced, 110, 120. She treats me with contempt and she does it well. It’s her only saving grace.

When the treatment is over I thank her for saving my marriage yet again. I know this annoys her so I say it everytime. As I leave I can’t resist turning back, “Same time next month.”



I’m glad to see the back of him y’know, but he’ll be back, always is. It’s no way for a man of his age to carry on but y’know what they say the higher the class the lower the morals. He makes my skin crawl but it’s his poor wife I feel sorry for. Does she know and turn a blind eye or is she completely in the dark?

As I peel off my latex gloves and throw them in the bin I thank the Lord that I have a good man waiting for me at home. I wipe the couch down with disinfectant and go to fetch the next patient on my list.



“Harry Parkes.”

I look up as soon as I hear my name and see a friendly looking nurse beckoning me over. She introduces herself as Josie and I follow her into the examination room.

She asks me some questions and I try to answer them as quickly as I can so that I can get out of here. I shouldn’t even be here, I don’t sleep around, Margot’s the only woman I’ve made love to in years. I tell Nurse Josie that but she thinks I’m just spinning her a line.

She asks me to get undressed so I grit my teeth and disrobe. The examination’s over quickly enough but I wouldn’t want to go through it again in a hurry. I’m shown back to the waiting room and after the longest twenty minutes of my life the results arrive, the shame’s official, I have syphilis.

My first thought is to phone Margot although I don’t know what I’m going to say to her.



Trrring-trrring…

Why does the phone always ring when I’m up to my elbows in scone mix? I debate ignoring it but it might be important, one of the children perhaps, so I answer it.

“Hello Margot,” murmurs Harry from the other end of the line, I was glad I’d answered it. He has something to tell me but he wants to do it face to face so he’s on his way. I tidy my hair and put some lipstick on for him.

He arrives and I can tell by the look on his face that it is serious. Syphilis he says, sorry he says – then everything turns crazy. I fly at him, claws bared, screaming accusations but he just takes me in his arms and holds me tight, promising over and over again that he has been faithful until I eventually believe him and things start to make sense. It was me that was still married; it was me that still slept with my husband.

God I need time to think but it’s too late; I can hear his key in the door.



“Is that you Tom?” Margot called from the kitchen. Of course it fucking is, who else would it be? There’s a tenseness to her voice that sets me on edge and her eyes keep darting away. I follow them and realise we’re not alone.

“Tom, this is….” Margot begins but I interrupt “Harry Parkes, we’ve already met.”