|
|
 |
The Colour of Envy
Posted: 08 June 2004
Word Count: 126
Summary: Bit of a work-in-progress.
|
Font Size
|
|
The malachite maiden envelopes her ivory torso
in jade-encrusted gown,
slips her alabaster feet
into the chartreuse of her shoes
and adorns one slender finger
with a single emerald rock.
A fool-proof disguise -
apart from the ring of keys
gently jangling from her willowy waist
as she soundlessly pads her windowless palace -
unfastened even - entombed in her bedroom.
A somewhat unusual hobby, kleptomania
wiling away the endless evenings
fingering her padlocked treasure,
and the slaves know better
than to disturb her pleasure -
welts still smarting from those aquamarine nails.
Perhaps more bitter than sweet - the covenant -
protection for freedom.
The green queen rules alone
upon her covetous throne
listlessly licking her thin lips
her white-knuckled grip upon
the suspicious sceptre.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Fearless at 16:40 on 08 June 2004
 Report this post
|
Finally....very good. Very good use of language, combined with steady, story-style rhythm, with strong imagery and a very subtle suggestion (fear and silence often go together) of sound.
Had a thought that 'soundlessly' could have been followed by 'soullessly', perhaps helping to complete the portrait of the lady. Perhaps.
Anyway, rated ten. Out of ten.
Fearless
| |
roovacrag at 16:41 on 08 June 2004
Report this post
|
Christina, great poem.
Seems to be a day to clear the air.
Well written,words used wisely.
xx RED MUM.
| |
The Walrus at 16:51 on 08 June 2004
Report this post
|
Fearless, thanks - good point soundlessly/soullessly - will have another look at it.
Red Mum, this has been on the backburner for a while - was a follow on from 'Guilt' - really enjoy personifying powerful negative emotions - it's such fun!
Thanks again guys.
Red
xx
| |
 Nell at 16:52 on 08 June 2004
Report this post
|
Walrus, beautiful mysterious imagery, I've read three times yet the story behind the poem remains tantalizingly elusive. Would love to see more. Should full proof be fool proof?
Nell.
| |
The Walrus at 17:04 on 08 June 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Nell, actually there is no particular story behind it (sorry to disappoint) - I was just getting carried away with exploring the idea of envy based upon some, thankfully, very distant memories. Glad you like the imagery - I wanted to make Envy female since I've already personified Guilt into a man in a previous poem!
Think you're right on your 'full proof' comment - will change.
Thanks.
The Walrus
| |
Mooncat at 21:49 on 08 June 2004
Report this post
|
Walrus, wonderful stuff! I loved the imagery.
All the best,
Marie
| |
word`s worth at 09:48 on 09 June 2004
Report this post
|
Christina
I was reminded of the Wicked Stepmother/witch in Snow White (the first ever movie I saw in a cinema!) I imagined grey castle walls and there was a distinct coolness/chill to the atmosphere of the poem. Fantastic imagery. Just reading it again, while commenting. I love the whole thing. Are you doing a series on all Seven Deadly Sins? (although I know Guilt isn't one of them).
Nahed x
| |
miffle at 09:57 on 09 June 2004
Report this post
|
The Walrus, A convincing character indeed! And she sounds sexy but damn lonely too: v apt for 'Envy'! New Writer Mag's Poetry / Prose competition includes a section for sequences of 6 - 10 poems: you could send yours there (?!) A few of thoughts:
* 'welt' love the word!
* 'an emerald rock' (?)
* 'a fool-proof disguise -' perfect phrase!
* Title: 'Envy' (?)
And a thought re. the 3rd verse:
Can't quite get me head around it. She has treasure (?). Isn't Envy about not having something that somebody else has got ? Hmmm... Something out of reach (?) I may have misread this, of course, just curious about the idea :-)
You naturally use a lot of latinate words in your poems: have you noticed that? I.e. I have noticed that I don't seem to! Interesting...
Emerald Rock On, Miffle :-)
<Added>
* www.thenewwriter.com.
Closing date 31 Oct 2004: so plenty of time ;-)
NB Catherine Smith edits the Poetry Section and the poems are very strong. She was listed by Mslexia Mag as one of the top 10 female poets in the UK and also, recently, listed as one of the 20 New (New) Generation Poets in the Guardian.
| |
The Walrus at 19:46 on 09 June 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Marie - glad you liked it.
Nahed, series on the seven deadly sins... interesting idea... will definitely look into it. Thanks.
Miffle, thanks for the suggestion re: 'Envy' mag - will check out. Re: third stanza - you've actually picked up on some difficulty I originally had (and probably still have) with the character personifying envy - you're right in the sense that envy is about coveting other peoples 'possessions' but I kind of spilled over into the character zealously protecting her own as well... I suppose the poem touches on jealousy - which was incidentally the original title of the poem - jealousy within a 'relationship' sense - in this particular context the treasure represents the so called loved one who is metaphorically imprisioned.
As far as my usage of latinate diction - nope had no idea lol.
Thanks again all for your comments. Always appreciated.
The Walrus
x
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
