RLG Betrayal
Posted: 04 June 2004 Word Count: 389
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The moon lit a path towards the shore, as though pointing the finger of guilt at me.
I heard footsteps on the pier and I knew they were hers. I recognised the measured clickety clack of those perilously high heels only just making a safe landing with each step.
I prayed we wouldn’t be seen, but then he groaned and animal like she was drawn to her mate. The footsteps grew closer then nothing.
I heard her gasp – the shock at such treachery settling like poisonous dust particles on a clean surface.
He pulled away from me too suddenly, his shame a barrier to our closeness.
Just moments earlier we’d been locked in a hungry embrace our bodies entwined in an all-consuming passion. My dress riding high above my thighs with no consent to modesty or propriety.
We’d got carried away, a simple romantic stroll along the waterfront had led to a kiss, soon our limbs were clamped together and we were making love on the sand, oblivious to reason and ignorant of our responsibilities.
“No.” she said, softly at first, as the united betrayal found its target and wounded with intent.
“No!” she shouted, soon this sordid scene would be public knowledge reminding us that all those months of flirting and subtle caresses should have been our lot.
“Ssh Kate, please.”
He tried to calm her, tell it wasn’t what it looked like the poor simple fool. But it was too late, I was driven and now I’ve destroyed everything.
Instead of spending my inheritance on my family, my home, our future I’d squandered it all on myself.
After 14 operations and over £150,000 of cosmetic surgery I was no longer a frumpy, drab, overweigh middle aged woman, comfortable in baggy pants and elasticised waists, content to seethe with envy every time a luscious young filly with low slung jeans and a concave midriff on display passed by.
I had stemmed the flow of ageing, fooled the world, I was one of them.
My young lover raced to placate his furious spouse and I turned to finally face my accuser.
Kate sobbed and shook her fist at me; all that we’d had together was in ruin.
She spoke and I heard the last words she’d ever say to me.
“I’ll never forgive you for this Mum never.”
Comments by other Members
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Account Closed at 17:56 on 04 June 2004
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Jubbly, this is so fast at the end it's comical! Reminded me of that country & western song ' Jolene, please don't take him just because you can..." until it turns out to be her MUM!!
That was one hellovan expensive screw!!
Elspeth
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anisoara at 19:25 on 04 June 2004
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Jubbly -- This is a great mother-envying-her-daughter story. While reading, I was confused by the "I" and "he" and "she", trying to figure out how many people could be involved in this carnal event, and wondering if the narrator was a transvestite! Then - BANG! - you tied it all up with that last line. Darkly funny.
Ani
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Sue H at 07:54 on 05 June 2004
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Jubbly,
How brilliant! What a truly horrible thing to happen to anyone. The thought of Nick and my mother......, in fact my mother after all that plastic surgery! Oh dear...
Sue
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SamMorris at 09:14 on 05 June 2004
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Hi Jubbly,
This is a great tale about vanity and jealousy. I really loved the line :
I had stemmed the flow of ageing, fooled the world, I was one of them.
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All the best
Sam
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Dee at 12:15 on 05 June 2004
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Oh gruesome! What an awful situation… what a brilliant story…
Nice one, Julie, as we’ve come to expect from you.
Dee
x
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Jubbly at 12:15 on 05 June 2004
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Thanks Sam, Sue, Anni and Elspeth. Sorry to give you nightmares Sue, my woman is only in her mid to late forties and believe me if I could afford it, I'd go for it too, the surgery that is and I don't have a daughter.
Cheers
Julie
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Jim Beard at 14:01 on 05 June 2004
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Jubbly
What an ending. I was a bit confused on the first reading but second time around it hit home. When ‘he pulled away from me too suddenly,’ was it only him that felt shame, could it be ‘our shame’ and not just his that was a barrier to closeness, or am I just being picky? Maybe this Jezebel has no shame at all.
Bit of a typo on the word overweight.
Regards
Jim
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Anj at 19:38 on 07 June 2004
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Julie,
I love the idea of this story and the denouement was to die for but found the journey confusing, had to re-read a few sections before I could go on.
"The moon lit a path towards the shore, as though pointing the finger of guilt at me." Because you say path towards the shore, I initially read this to mean the moonlit path lay ahead of the narrator, had to re-read to understand it. It's a wonderful image, but could you clarify?
"then he groaned and animal like she was drawn to her mate" This is just fantastic, makes them all exist on their under-the-human-surface level.
"the shock at such treachery settling like poisonous dust particles on a clean surface" Obviously subjective, but this line didn't work for me.
"My dress riding high above my thighs with no consent to modesty or propriety" fantastically wanton image (but do you mean "concession"?)
"We’d got carried away, a simple romantic stroll" - seemed contradictory - for them to get carried away, wouldn't it have initially been an innocent stroll, to have gone horribly/pleasurably wrong?
I found the change of perspectives confusing at first, although I liked them once I understood them, but could you find a way to signal them more clearly?
"content to seethe with envy every time a luscious young filly with low slung jeans and a concave midriff on display passed by." This was brilliant, oozed jealousy (might have been a bit too close to my knuckle for comfort though!)
Great stuff
Take care
Andrea
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Jubbly at 10:17 on 08 June 2004
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Thanks for the feedback Andrea. Can't do anything about the first line as it's an RLG set piece for this month, you know the random line generator thingy we sometimes do, so I didn't write it. Yes I did mean concession, well spotted. I'll take another look at the other lines and see if I can clear them up.
Cheers
Julie
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crowspark at 22:39 on 14 June 2004
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Julie this is excellent. It has great erotic touchs. After all the passion this was so funny; "After 14 operations and over £150,000 of cosmetic surgery I was no longer a frumpy, drab, overweigh middle aged woman, comfortable in baggy pants and elasticised waists, content to seethe with envy every time a luscious young filly with low slung jeans and a concave midriff on display passed by."
You setup the reader beautifully.
Regards
Bill
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