The bleast

A golden dragon with awful breath, an abundance of small talk, and the ability to do bad voiceovers, the bleast has the head of Nana Miskouri and the body of a flatbed truck. As the bleast runs, its belly emits the sound of a pack of 40 hounds, although some feel it could be 41.

It is said that the bleast is so old that it has seen the destruction of the world three times over, and daytime TV almost every day. One of Heracles' 12 labours was to rid the world of the bleast, but his efforts were hampered by his inability to find the appropriate section in Yellow Pages.

The somewhat negative bleast, which repeatedly intones ‘some you lose, some you lose’, has huge testicles that cover 90% of its body area. It is said that if one is bitten by a bleast, the only cure is the sound of its roar, which it withholds out of revenge for the crude vasectal surgery.

The gamooku

The Japanese gamooku is terrifying, evil and practically illiterate, with an enormous flaming head, and eyes the colour and temperature of hot coals that have been set aside to cool slightly. It has the body of a domestic Bengal tiger and the face of a Lithuanian peasant caught up in a speed-gelding game.

The gamooku’s arrival is said to herald news of a feast, or a three-for-two offer at Tesco. It is so big that it can carry very, very small elephants, all at once. The gamooku is continually roving – seeking running water to slake its thirst, though why it doesn’t simply stay put when it’s found it is up for debate.

Some accounts suggest that the gamooku has a nest in the Tree of Wisdom, although its daily insistence on calling 24/7 Kleening to enquire about opening hours would suggest otherwise.

The kikidee

The kikidee had the head of a lion and the body of the Swedish Prime Minister. The kikidee was entirely self-assembly and remains the only mythical beast available from IKEA, although, in 2004, the Liverpool store will feature a neon-lit, winged-horse, onyx coffee table. According to Norse legend, the kikidee used a specially adapted Chris Tarrant mask to render its human victims immobile, but this is unproven, as the unlucky kikidee predated the Allen key by several centuries, and remained flat-packed in its box.

The kikidee comes to earth so that humanity may return the beast's good deeds, but it usually winds up tutting and checking its watch. There are four classes of kikidee: heavenly, divine, earthly and hoodlum, depending on their function in guarding the heavenly palace, giving rainfall, draining rivers, or setting fire to pets.

One of the twelve labours of Heracles was to steal the kikidee’s golden apples, but every time he fought his way to the top of the Sacred Staircase, battling the savage Minosaurs, the sleepy beast simply groaned, rolled its eyes and insisted it sold them on E-bay. The creature failed to gain a foothold in Mythology Monthly’s coveted Most Classical Beast list, through its refusal to do stuff like drink from the Sea of Knowledge, and its insistence on calling itself Pauline.