The Government was last night denying that school exams had been 'dumbed-down'. All pupils passed everything with an A*, and a Mrs Eczema, 62, of Torquay, who is medically stupid, even got a large A** wrapped in gold foil and delivered by Postalfarce. A Mr Butterball of Preston gained seven when he bought the wrong brand of bleach, and a man from St Eejit-in-the-Wind was awarded a qualification in Fuzzy Ceramics, despite local records indicating that he was a foul-mouthed, 14th-century publican.

The nature of subjects studied has also been called into question. Last summer, exams on offer included Caring for Your Pepsi Multipack, Opening Cereal Boxes the Titchmarsh Way and Could My Name Be Malcolm? Well, Could It? Controversy also surrounds the abolition of F for fail. This has now been replaced by NMNLCLMTYUIB, which experts believe stands for Never Mind, Nana’s Little Chicken, Let Me Tuck You Up In Bed.

Typical questions from this year’s Science paper, which pupils were under no obligation to answer, included: Wool-fired electricity – the future?; Lego buggies as naval warfare systems; and Hey, Kazza, have u seen meye nu fone?

In Biology, pupils were not even admitted beyond the examination-room door, once it was established that they could keep a firm grip on their genitalia while breathing reasonably efficiently.

“The alleged dumbing-down has opened-up entry for almost anyone to previously competitive professions like medicine and the law,” said Education Minister Spaszlo Ferlung, who is unable to sue over the ineffectual sambuca poultice covering his recently severed legs. “And that has simply got to be a good thing”.