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Silent Release
Posted: 26 May 2004
Word Count: 103
Summary: two versions of the same, would appreciate honest feedback critique - as still work in progress!!
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i
Sharp silver slices her arm
burgundy tear drops drip
to give her silent release.
bracelet scars remain a reminder
of bent knee abuse.
"our secret" whispered
as hot breath echoes his force.
cuts numb to edit membrane film
which cannot be erased.
ii
a sharp silver blade engraves my arm
burgundy tears drip.
Daddy's whispers echo today a secret
I didn't understand why he stripped me ugly naked
bracelet scars of bent knee abuse
the cuts numb to edit but cannot be erased.
pull me out of the past, I'm an insane
daddy's little girl; "is he all that I could be?"
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Comments by other Members
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 Fearless at 22:04 on 26 May 2004
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Lottie
Sparse, yet very powerful. Of love and other demons, demons being secrets, love that shouldn't be betrayed (unless I have interpreted this incorrectly). Reminds me of the forthcoming Almodovar film, 'Bad Education'.
Write on - you're onto something,
Fearless
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roovacrag at 22:05 on 26 May 2004
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Not sure i am reading this right.
Sounds like a fathers abuse.
Yet on ther other hand, like a father helping his daughter.
Perhaps a daughter helping hr dad.
Bracelet scars can be a few things.
As A chef you get them.
Please explain.
Well done.
XX Alice
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Sazmac at 22:16 on 26 May 2004
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Hi Lottie
Sparse, bleak, terrifying. I liked the first version more - the language was sparser and bleaker - things that must not ever be said.
Saz
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 Nell at 08:17 on 27 May 2004
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Lottie, I'm glad I read the first poem first. I can't tell which is better - the first allows one to write one's own story, the second is deeply shocking and powerful in its explicitness. No room for interpretation here. The overall impact of shock, the heartbreak of the question in the last two lines makes the second version the one that will stay with me.
Nell.
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The Walrus at 10:27 on 27 May 2004
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Hi Lottie! I like both! Prefer first stanza on first one though. Is it possibly to interweave them? I think both are very good. Terrifying subject matter - tackled extraordinarily well.
Bravo!
The Walrus
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Lottie at 10:29 on 27 May 2004
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Hi everyone,
Once again thanks for your input, like I said this one is work in progress, will probably have to leave it for a while and go back to it in a month or two.
Alice.....this poem is about a person who self harms. self harming is renowned as being, to some people, a way of escaping from what's happening around them. I used to work with young people and a lot of them self harmed - after doing a course "why people self harm?" it was said that the majority of people self harm because of abuse.
the bracelet scars are the maks left from the cutting, which go round the arm rather than up and down.
I hope this helps!
I let someone read the first poem and they told me that it seemed to be detached from what was really supposed to be going on, hence the second version speaking as the self harmer.
The feedback as always has been inspirational.
Always,
Lottie :-)
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miffle at 11:59 on 27 May 2004
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Lottie, I prefer the second poem. A few thoughts:
* I like the idea of using lower-case throughout the poem i.e. a 'daddy's girl' speaking. Ideas of dominance / vulnerablity.
* I think the layout (i.e. 2 lines/ 2 lines...) is more balanced. And I like this.
* tense: I find it interesting that the poem pulls back and forth between the tenses. Perhaps this has something to do with the speaker's state of mind and the subject.
You mostly use the present tense and I think this works. This for me gives the poem immediacy and makes it more powerful.
Perhaps try:
'don't understand why he strips me ugly naked'
in place of your current line (?) I am curious too about the phrase 'ugly naked' (?) Wonder why you chose it in place of for example 'naked' or 'bare' (?)
* 'the cuts numb to edit but cannot be erased'
I wondered what you really meant here ? This implies that the cuts cannot be erased ?
Part of me had the feeling that you meant:
'the cuts numb to edit what cannot be erased' (?)
* in the first poem you are writing as 'she' in the second you use 'my'. Yes, I think it is good to experiment with both the third and the first person - and if it is a poem drawing deeply on personal experience then perhaps you will find that one feels right/ or more comfortable than another.
* 'pull me out of the past' I like the way that this phrase lifts the poem forward to a new idea.
'pull me out of the past! I'm a daddy's little girl -
'is he all that I could be?'
How would this work ? Wasn't sure if within the context of the poem as a work of art that you needed 'I'm an insane'. I can't entirely put my finger on why though :-) Think perhaps it may be because it is judgemental and also, perhaps, because within the context of the poem perhaps it does not ring true (?). Perhaps just leave the actions in the poem to speak for themselves (?).
'is he all that I could be?' Found this a curious phrase. Read it with the emphasis on 'all' i.e. the idea of following in your father's footsteps only in this case he's not much of a role model (?). This did seem an enigmatic line i.e. I had the sense of a drama beneath it.
* I think there is a stronger sense of voice in the second.
OK, so that's my case for the second! Just ideas, of course, and subjective at that.
Look forward to seeing how this develops! All the best, Miffle :-)
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Lottie at 22:22 on 27 May 2004
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Hi Miffle
Thank you for taking the time to read and give such constructive comments on "Silent Release", all of which are very valuable and informative.
I chose "ugly naked" because I thought it showed how the speaker felt when being abused, basically not very nice, dirty - I was trying to get across low self esteem.
I like "cuts numb to edit what cannot be erased" instead of "but" :-) and also the use of non capitals throughout.
The question at the end "is he all that I could be" - is the speaker's voice terrified of becoming the same as the abuser, exactly how you read it.
I'm sure there's room for improvement in both versions.
With regard to the use of the word "insane" - I know it is rather judgemental - but so are a lot of people in society when it comes to self-harmers - most people think they do it for attention, cry for help - but it's there way of coping under very extreme circumstances.
I will be taking on board what everyone has suggested and said about both of these poems and hopefully will come up with the writewords (pun) next draft!!
Once again, thank you so much for your healthy comments,
All the best,
Lottie :-)
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