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Elements

by joanie 

Posted: 26 May 2004
Word Count: 203
Summary: My attempt at Terza Rima, which we are looking at in Poetry Seminar this weeek. This took off in a totally unexpected direction!! I just let it go.


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This landscape bathed in silver by the moon
reveals a figure, stooping, bowed, bereft,
who questions whether he might go home soon

and wonders how on earth he could have left.
Behind a veil of cloud, coquettish, peeps
the moon, to taunt him till his heart is cleft.

Despite his macho image he still weeps.
Is all laid bare in moonlight, as in day?
The lunar tenant smirks, smiles down, and keeps

his promise. Back at home she has her way.
Revenge is sweet, like honey on the lips.
The elements join forces. To the fray!

Fresh storm clouds gather, closing ranks; the chips
are down. He stumbles, tries to stand, ... no-one!
Electric flashes sizzle - tension grips

his body! With a final splut, he's gone.
She opens up her curtains, ventures out,
and scans the skies for where the moon had shone.

A wink, a thumbs-up, "Cheers for that!" Without
your help, I don't know what I'd do! I know
it's naughty, but it works and has some clout!

Some people scoff and say it isn't so,
but I prefer to cast all doubts aside.
I hardly understand, but this I know....

It pays to have all nature on your side!











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Comments by other Members



fireweed at 19:37 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
I admire the rhymes and the iambic flow - the earlier part is perhaps stronger. I don't know where you first let go - but you start to lose me with " A wink, "thumbs up."What is "she" so pleased about. Was it an unwelcome lover hovering outside her window who got struck by lightening?? I'm not sure if I'm on the right track here.

Interesting ideas at the beginning - is the man a former inhabitant of the moon who has abandoned his love and come to earth?

Forgive the rambling uncertainty - it's been a long day and I 've had a glass or two of wine.

fireweed

Nell at 20:04 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Joanie, is this a wicked little poem?! I've read it four times, and at last I think it's clear. She's a witch, (his wife/partner) and has summoned the elements to get her revenge. He's been struck by lightning? and is no more. You did well to allow this to run away - an exercise in liberation - Write on!

Nell.

roovacrag at 20:28 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Joan, I got all hot and bothered here.
Like Nell read it several times and i got to go for the romance. Lust, sex i don't care it is there.
6th stanza did it.
Still reading it.7th well what can i say.

Great one .
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ALICE LOL ;D

joanie at 20:34 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Exactly right Nell!! You got it in one!! Like I said - I don't know where it came from really. Must be of the same mind!
Thanks for reading four times!!

fireweed, hope it's clear now.

Alice, thanks, as always, for responding. much appreciated.

joanie

fireweed at 21:04 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
I'm beginning to see the black humour in this poem - a wicked poem as Nell says. You've got to get into the vein of images - but once you've done that - it works well. I like the triumph of the female at the end - feel sorry for the poor figure bereft in the opening verse, though. Will he ever learn?

fireweed.

gard at 23:21 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Hi Joannie

very good!!! liked it loved the last line ha ha!


G

joanie at 23:27 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Thanks, G! Glad you liked it.
joanie

The Walrus at 08:53 on 27 May 2004  Report this post
Revenge is sweet. Fabulous stuff Joanie!

The Walrus

joanie at 19:40 on 27 May 2004  Report this post
The Walrus, sorry I'm a bit late in replying. Thanks!
joanie


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