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Sins And Redemption

by CrazyPete 

Posted: 26 May 2004
Word Count: 139
Summary: An experimental piece: A tiny vignette
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Sins And Redemption.

She looked at me, her eyes pleading for forgiveness. I held her gaze, chin up, staring deep into those large round eyes. I shook my head slowly, showing a casual contempt not mercy.

She trembled slightly and walked, head bowed from the room. Only then did I realize the damage that I had done; I had turned her mistake into a sin. In my silence I had gone too far.

Her tears echoed in the darkness of the hallway.

Suddenly I craved her forgiveness; atonement for the pain I had had caused.

I went to her and folded my arms around her, pressing her body to mine.

Time passed.

We forgave each other in that embrace. A sweet redemption filled my soul. Never again did I want to cause that much pain to one so dear.






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Nell at 13:01 on 30 June 2004  Report this post
Hi Pete, you say this is an experimental piece, but it's difficult to comment on without knowing your intention. The piece is heavy with emotion, but at the moment, although their encounter is described with accuracy, this feels somewhat abstract and the writing selfconscious - something in the following descriptions: pleading for forgiveness; large round eyes; trembled slightly; her tears echoed in the darkness; one so dear... Cliched perhaps. I'd say begin again, but rethink those actions, those emotions and try to surprise the reader with new ways to describe what's happening here. Look carefully at the adjectives and adverbs, if possible remove them and select unexpected verbs to intensify the meaning. I like the sentence 'I had turned her mistake into a sin'- it says so much so economically, and the reader's mind can race away and make up its own story as to what exactly she has done. I'm not sure that this is much help to you, but this is a short piece and I think it's worth trying it in a different way.

Best, Nell.
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