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by Lottie 

Posted: 24 May 2004
Word Count: 37
Summary: The feelings felt when heartbroken etc etc
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a clenched fist
holds together
fragments of muscle
that once
pumped passion
through these veins
pulling tight beneath
the pit
pangs of salacity
stir gut emotions
consumed
with green disire
that is regurgitated
leaving a bitter taste.






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roovacrag at 15:05 on 24 May 2004  Report this post
Hi good poem.
Start with a capital at the beginning.
regurgitated is the word i think you was looking for.
Not great at spelling so have a collins at the side of me and still make mistakes.
Well written.
xx Alice
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Kipper at 18:41 on 24 May 2004  Report this post
Loved the bile imagery of (regurgitated) "green desire". HeartSickness (with jealousy?) described gut-wrenchingly! Like too "once pumped passion". A pungently physical poem Lottie. Kipper.
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poemsgalore at 18:41 on 24 May 2004  Report this post
I don't think a capital at the beginning is strictly necessary as it gives the impression of coming in mid-sentence, which adds more strength to the poem - which is already very strong. Good work Lottie.
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The Walrus at 19:15 on 24 May 2004  Report this post
Not nice feelings to have to be sure, but you have crystallised them really well - the body imagery hangs together so naturally - fist, muscle, veins, gut - good stuff. Well done!

The Walrus
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Lottie at 22:18 on 24 May 2004  Report this post
Hi everyone

Thank you for all taking the time to read and comment. As always very much appreciated.

I wanted to try to do this slightly differently and am so glad it's worked!

Definately not nice feelings to have for sure.

Best,
Lottie :-)
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