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The Castle

by Jubbly 

Posted: 19 May 2004
Word Count: 210
Summary: This was part of my stage collection but I've withdrawn it, not sure.

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The Castle

The castle has been carefully constructed, built to last. A monument and reminder to all who have dismissed this new king. The intense concentration on the young boys face shows just what he is capable of. Go way they told him, leave us be, you're of no use, you only get in the way. And so he went and now he waits with his troops, patient and unconcerned that they may all meet an untimely death.

But it's all too late, the attack is planned, the sun beats down and the sound of the ocean waves lapping the shores where the trenches have been dug are the only future he can contemplate right now.

But he should have been more vigilante, not so trusting, kept lookout, a true soldier would have been prepared, but then again he's only a boy, not really a man of war.

For all its majesty the castle was suddenly and violently crushed. The boy looked up, despair replacing engrossment. He had been betrayed by Owen the mighty, his own brother who until that moment had sat sulking, moody and dripping in ice-lolly, so jealous at his little brothers attempts to create such a magnificent sand castle, huh, that will teach him he thought.

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Comments by other Members

Anna Reynolds at 16:51 on 19 May 2004  Report this post
Julie, why have you withdrawn it? I'm more and more intrigued about how you're going to do these stage-wise- will it give the game away if you say more? I don't think I'll have a chance to get up to the festival but damn, I wish I could, to see your show- do the pieces link? One thing I did think about this, was maybe not revealing it's a sandcastle straight away- cos the last paragraph is so visual and funny and awful- and true.

Jubbly at 18:33 on 19 May 2004  Report this post
Thanks Anna, to be honest it's all a bit of a nightmare. The director came up with a linking device that I felt was quite croaky and extremely difficult to achieve. So this week, I'm basically writing three different versions of the piece to see which works best with the actors. I'm torn between doing it as dreams retold or simple bed time stories as the audience will all be tucked up on mattresses , wearing eye patches and sipping hot cocoa. I withdrew this because it didn't seem to connect with the others, but I've had an idea today for a couple more that might replace it.

If there's a London dress I'll let you know.

All the best


Account Closed at 18:35 on 19 May 2004  Report this post
Hi Julie, I get the impression that you wrote this quickly. You've missed the apostrophes on boys and brothers and the two middle paras start with but - you could defo lose one on the second one.

I didn't get it was a sandcastle straight away (doh!) but I can't work out if the 2nd para is before or after the last one.

Surely this line:huh, that will teach him he thought. needs to be on it's own and maybe punctuated for speech (but that's stylistic, I suppose)
Otherwise, it's got a good twist like the other stories - reminds me of Haunted's RLG about the stuffed toys fighting.


Jubbly at 20:19 on 19 May 2004  Report this post
Hi Elspeth, you're right, I wrote it on a sun lunger in Thailand, me showing off, whoops sorry. Then quickly typed it up. I'll sort out pronto, thanks as always.


crowspark at 17:13 on 20 May 2004  Report this post
A lovely piece of writing. Loved the "voice of legend" in contrast to the child's voice. Also, "the sun beats down and the sound of the ocean waves lapping the shores where the trenches have been dug" is very evocative.
Great stuff

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