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Hurting

by Mac 

Posted: 12 May 2004
Word Count: 72


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Hurting

It was a defining moment. He swayed in front of the hearth and tried to face me down, defiance burning through glazed eyes. I drove my fist into him like a hammer, catching him just below the eye. His skin ruptured and tore as he fell backwards into an armchair. A little bit of the blood that’s thicker than water trickled from the corner of his mouth. “Don’t get up, Dad.”






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Comments by other Members



Anj at 08:02 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
Mac,

Love the testosterone charge of this, how it illustrates the relationship that's come before, and how it will be different in the future.

Loved "A little bit of the blood that’s thicker than water trickled from the corner of his mouth".

Take care
Andrea

ShayBoston at 17:48 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
That's a great line (the one picked out by Andrea above!) Excellent piece, succinctly put.

Shay


crowspark at 19:19 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
This is short and powerful. I liked the ambiguity in the piece and in the title.

Bill

<Added>

If I were to be picky you might change "defiance burning through the glaze in his eyes" to something like "defiance burning through glazed eyes"

Dee at 19:42 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
Perfick!

Flash fiction at its best.

Dee.

Milou at 21:10 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
Great - also really liked the 'thicker than water' line.



milou

Mac at 07:22 on 13 May 2004  Report this post

Tanks for all your feedback. Bill, glad you picked up on the ambiguity and also thanks for pointing out a means of improving the story - your phrasing is better and I'm going to go with that.

bjlangley at 09:28 on 13 May 2004  Report this post
Mac, an effective piece, you get a lot from so few words. It's one of those snapshots that has something huge going on around it, and I like that.

All the best,

Ben


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